Rant!!!! Another Mother Yelling And Dissing My Kid!!!!

[Camelot Farms]

Quote:

Exactly! If this woman didnt already have a history of being a bully, I bet Nat's response would have been different. But she knew what she was up against and went with what worked. In my world, you fight fire with fire. That is obviously the only thing that this woman understands. And we all 'know' this woman. Isnt there one in every community?

 

[seismic wonder2]

dealt with fools like that... I just get real close(Violate their "personal space") eye to eye and speak calmly and quiet, almost whisper "Listen to me very carefully....You will stop what you're doing right now and apologise. If not, when I'm done, you will be able to kiss your elbow. "


That works 99% of the time. for the 1% you dot their eye.

 

[Rozzie]

First, I want to say that I very much respect welsummerchicks opinions. She gives good advice very often on the boards and really does seem to think out her responses before typing them up. I am also friends with the OP. I don't think I've let that bias my response here. Just putting it out there, though, so you can judge any bias for yourself.

I understand that welsummer is coming into this with professional experience dealing in not just conflict resolution, but the resolution of severe conflicts - the type that can be not only dangerous, but deadly. So, her advice is given based on that. I think it should be respected. Her approach is probably something that we should all consider of great value. Any action that we take in a situation like this could escalate a tense situation. Our actions, whatever they might be, could help trigger a person into responding in a way that is dangerous and/or deadly.

I also understand the OP's response, as I stated earlier. I truly believe that as adults we must stand up to behavior that is abusive, especially when the actions are committed by people with power, as this woman has been described, directed at people who are "weak" in comparison- especially those unable to stand up for themselves for some reason. Thankfully, the vast majority of times when we do this, we are not in a situation where it is likely to lead to danger. However, we should recognize that there is always some risk.

Let me illustrate this with something personal -- and I don't often get this personal online.

I grew up in a situation that was not ideal. I learned coping techniques that included NOT standing up to people who acted inappropriately. I learned to say "I'm sorry" even when I'd done nothing wrong. It was part of a set of self-protective mechanisms geared at avoiding escalating conflict. This was not just at home. It was necessary at school too. Anyway, as a result, I did not learn OTHER coping mechanisms that are needed in life. I learned how to avoid problems, sure. I could de-escalate a situation like a pro. The outward appearance was one of calm, a perfect child/teen, etc. It all looks hunky-dory to an observer. But, there are other consequences that are not visible to people looking on from outside. I still deal with those to this day.

In this case, sonew, the OP, taught her daughter that she did not have to accept blame for things she did not do. She let her see that she WOULD stand up for her and would protect her from stronger (in any sense of the word) people who were abusive. Her daughter did not internalize blame for things she did not do. Does that mean she may have been 100% perfect sitting back there? No. She's a teen out with her friends, after all. Expecting her to act perfectly is ridiculous. I seriously doubt the adults in the audience were all silent & acting like angels. If they were, well it's unlike any junior high or high school concerts I've been to in the last ten years,including a couple where half the adults were carrying on full fledged conversations, including on their cell phones.

Were there other possible approaches that would have been usable in this situation? Sure. We can usually look back on any situation and see ways we could have done better in that particular scenario. I'm sure that the OP looks back and sees words she said that she might change, or something else she might have added. However, she also may have taught her daughter a lesson that people should not use their position of power and authority (even if only perceived authority due to social position) to dominate someone who is "weaker." By standing up to a bully, she also may have helped teach her daughter that this (bullying of a less powerful person) would be an inappropriate way for HER to act in the future.

Could this conflict have escalated? Let's be honest. Yes. It could have. The woman could have gone berserk. She could have raged and pulled out a weapon. Or, she could store up the hatred and it could explode later. There could be effects in the future, directed at the OP or her daughter. We'll hope that isn't the case.

In this case, the OP has to ultimately judge for herself if it was worth the risk of a potentially greater conflict. Assessing risks and acting in response to them is something we all do constantly. Some of us are just more aware of it than others and most of the time, our assessment and decision is subconscious. In most cases, our actions aren't going to result in violence. However, there is always a chance. I don't know about others, but I can NOT live my life in constant fear that every word I say or look I give someone will result in violence. This is how children / teens (and even adults) in gang ridden neighborhoods live. This is how children living in abusive households live. This is how women in a domestic violence situations live. I personally "choose" not to live the rest of my life that way. (That said, I also have relatives with whom I go into automatic conflict resolution mode to keep a situation from going haywire...it's an adaptive technique that I've chosen to use with them quite regularly.)

That said, we DO have to recognize when a situation is getting out of hand and take steps to turn it the other way. I believe that welsummer has lots of experience and practical advice that could help us all with this.

 

[texasgal]

You did the right thing, Nat .. Don't let the negative post bother you .. some people think they are the authority on every subject ..

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

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Disagree. "I'm sorry" is often understood as an admission of guilt. Does it always mean that? Of course not, but given the situation, I think most people would have taken it as an admission of guilt, not as "I'm sorry I met you today."

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
it is in her "Name"-know how there's always folks in a town that "mean something" like old ties?? She was one of them. I mean her name rings a bell to everyone in our town and surrounding areas=not her-her name. also she is a very involved parent at every function-volunteers for everything-so very well known-my DD thinks because of that -"she's a powerful influence" I told DD unless your God, no one has Powers-only if you let them-she got knocked down off her soap box and that was that-sometimes thats what it takes for people like that to chill out.

Sonoran-there were no guardians or school officials around as they were all inside watching the show. We really do have a calm drama free town-as far as problems with students and functions-aLways goes off without a hitch The only people meandering were the folks like me taking their chicldren home after they completed their band portion of the show-since our kids aren't in chorus, we don't stay for the whole show-I could have but I was whipped and it didnt get over until after 10pm and I live 1/2 away:-( I have a feeling that woman would ahve waited until after the show and done the same thing except in front of a much larger crowd! I realy am glad not that many people were around-the bigger the crowd the bigger the drama and uuuuugh...what happened was big enough in my book

With my kids, there have always been teachers or volunteer parents that help monitor kids waiting their turn. Doors closed, so even if there were noise from the lobby or outside, no one would know who, IF they could even hear it.

However, concerts for the most part have been scheduled so that only one group performs on a given evening. Older son;s school was different and had a single CHristmas concert for band and the various choirs, but it was a small school, and the length of time was pretty reasonable for a single concert. They usually alternated between the different groups, too, so no real way to leave early.

 

[cluckcluck42]

That lady deserved a slap in her face. People that bully children deserve no better. It is one thing if she actually had the offenders in her line of sights but no, she didn't. So the smart ass kids who don't care get off scot free and a complacent shy child who doesn't have the nerve to talk back or misbehave gets blamed. That is not right and good for you for defending your child AND putting that old bat in her place.

Did I miss this- who is the lady? Why does she think she is such a hot shot? ETA- oh so she just comes from an old family with a well known name? HA. Talk about tooting your own horn. Go ahead and gossip, you old fruit loop. Most of the people she blabs too will probably secretly take your side.

 

[sonew123]

Quote:
it is in her "Name"-know how there's always folks in a town that "mean something" like old ties?? She was one of them. I mean her name rings a bell to everyone in our town and surrounding areas=not her-her name. also she is a very involved parent at every function-volunteers for everything-so very well known-my DD thinks because of that -"she's a powerful influence" I told DD unless your God, no one has Powers-only if you let them-she got knocked down off her soap box and that was that-sometimes thats what it takes for people like that to chill out.

Sonoran-there were no guardians or school officials around as they were all inside watching the show. We really do have a calm drama free town-as far as problems with students and functions-aLways goes off without a hitch The only people meandering were the folks like me taking their chicldren home after they completed their band portion of the show-since our kids aren't in chorus, we don't stay for the whole show-I could have but I was whipped and it didnt get over until after 10pm and I live 1/2 away:-( I have a feeling that woman would ahve waited until after the show and done the same thing except in front of a much larger crowd! I realy am glad not that many people were around-the bigger the crowd the bigger the drama and uuuuugh...what happened was big enough in my book

With my kids, there have always been teachers or volunteer parents that help monitor kids waiting their turn. Doors closed, so even if there were noise from the lobby or outside, no one would know who, IF they could even hear it.

However, concerts for the most part have been scheduled so that only one group performs on a given evening. Older son;s school was different and had a single CHristmas concert for band and the various choirs, but it was a small school, and the length of time was pretty reasonable for a single concert. They usually alternated between the different groups, too, so no real way to leave early.

They just started it this way-There is a mens and a ladies choir-then they mix and do a bunch of songs-then the jazz band-then the regular band-its likea 4 hour show! The students have been given permission to leave after their part is done. Two year ago My DD was on first and done by 7:30-it didnt get over until after 10 and we had to stay! Too many parents complained about it-so no after each "performance" by a certain group they allow 5 minutes of time to get up and leave so there is no diruptions when the new group begins their performance-works out much better this way for all of us

 

[PepsNick]

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She by ALL MEANS has a right to stand up for her daughter if someone is treating a child this way. With the way she reacted it's NOT going to happen again! Did the woman yell back? No. Arguing in public is someone's choice and right and it's no different from arguing at home. As long as no one's hurt, no one is going to jail here. That says nothing about her daughter being raised the wrong way, it says that her daughter can also stand up for herself the way she did. Which was the right thing to most. Pretty much everyone on here but you said she did the right thing. I completely disagree with you. Heck, it's her daughter's concert, couldn't the fat lady at least congratulate her on the performance?

 

[PepsNick]

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Do you really think the big volunteer community school mom would pull out a gun?