really need to air some feelings...

[key west chick]

So heres the short story. While I was in college, I found myself pregnant by my boyfriend. I was 20, he was barely 19. He never was a part of DD life, we lived 1000 miles apart. I moved back to my college town about 20 years ago, when DD was 2. Never really was in touch with him after the first year or so back. I meet DH, been married for 17 years now. Have our ups and downs, but who doesn't. 2 years ago, DD decides to meet bio dad. Ok, fine, I can help her, sure. Short lived relationship. He wasnt what she expected. I could have told her that but wanted her to find out on her own. My deal is, I am still madly in love with this guy. In my head, I know that our relationship was never meant to be. I love DH and will never jeopardize my marriage. But this guy was my first true love, and its just something Im still having a hard time getting over. And its been over 20 years. Hes married with a 6 month old baby boy. He has no interest in me and thats the way it should be. We dont see each other, or talk to each other. Now DD has moved back to college town. I have to go right by his parents house every time i go see her. No other way there unless I want to go 30 extra minutes. Memories come flooding back every time. I keep hoping time will ease the pain/love, but after 20 years, maybe Im just stuck with these feelings. Sorry about the ramble, I really just needed to air my feelings.

 

[silkiechick236]

First loves are hard to get over.

 

[zippitydooda]

In my opinion, you have attached the feelings you have for your DD's father to a memory. The memory of what could have been maybe? But, you should look at "what is" instead. For 20 years he has had little, if any contact with you or your DD.

I'm certain you have many unanswered questions, such as why did you leave? why didn't you care enough to be a part of our child's life? what made the relationship end? These questions will probably never be answered, but you know in your heart you got the best part of the deal.... your daughter. She needed to contact him to get some of those same questions answered, and she found out that he wasn't the "daddy" she wanted. What she will discover (as she gets older) is that your DH is the man who stepped up to the plate, HE was the one who was there for her. You need to remember that your DH accepted you both, and he loves you both.

Don't look backward to the past.... look forward with your hand holding the hand of the real man, the one who is with you NOW.

 

[CallyB57]

Quote:
AMEN!

 

[chickenshagg]

Quote:
I second that opinion!

 

[key west chick]

I was the one who ended everything. I knew by his first reaction (your not having it are you?) that he would never be a father to her. I even take her out of the picture and I truely still love him, DD or not. I often wondered if having this connection has kept my heart tied to him. I know first loves are hard to get over but jeeze, 20 years!

 

[terrilhb]

I third the other comments. Been there done that. Good luck.

 

[zippitydooda]

Quote:
What about him do you still love? Thing is, I could tell you what a rat he was to bail on you but that won't change anything. I suppose you need to figure out what was so awesome about this guy that you still have any feelings after 20 years. I am considerably older than you (old enough to be your mom), so my memory of my first love has faded to the point where the feelings are no longer there. Are you sure you love HIM, or do you love that he was your first?

Just wondering.... oh, and here's a hug.....

 

[key west chick]

Sometimes I think that Im in love with the idea of being in love with him. We had some really awesome times together, those stupid things you only do when your young. It was a fast, crazy whirlwind romance. DH is a level headed, mature man, nothing like my old BF, who is still fun and sporadic. And while I have matured and find nothing wrong with my marriage, a part of me that has never grown up misses the spontanious crazy things I did while with BF. Things DH and I would never do! My love for DH is deep, and strong. For BF, its a giddy school girl feeling with butterflies in my stomach. 2 totally different feelings. I know I made the right choice all those years ago, and never regret 1 second. He has never and never will get in the way of my relationship with hubby. He will just always be a special person in my life, even if hes technically not in it. Im sure one of these days he will be just a memory, but for now, hes got a very special, though very small, place in my heart.

 

[Annschooks]

I'm sorry if this sounds hard, but what have you done for the past years without him?? Spent every day thinking about him,wishing you were with him? Obviously not or else you would have done something about it.

You've got on with life and raised your daughter and generally enjoyed life. You ended the relationship because you knew that it wasn't going to work. You knew your daughter wasn't going to like her bio dad. What was it that made you think that? I think you're just reminiscing over your first love and your youth.

If you had really wanted a relationship with this guy you would have long since done something about it.

Get on with your life and put this guy behind you. He wasn't there when you needed him most and he thought so much of you and his daughter that he hadn't seen anything of either of you until your daughter went looking for him.

That speaks volumes to me, you've probably saved yourself a lot of heartache and misery.