Relationship Advice.

[michickenwrangler]

I would be *almost* completely honest with this new guy. Tell him the truth, that you like him, but you just need some time.

I was widowed last February, began dating again in May. Probably wayyy too soon (and please, no judgment calls. I've already been through this on another thread here) but I was honest with the guy who--on our first phone conversation--said that marriage was one thing he wanted. That scared the heck out of me hearing it so early in the relationship with him. But I was honest, telling him I wasn't ready yet. He and I had some ups and downs our first month, we both had misgivings. I felt he was moving too fast, he felt weird about being the first guy after my husband died. At the end of last August, he had to go out to work in New Jersey for a few months after the flooding from Hurricane Irene. In retrospect, it was a bit of a blessing because he and I were able to use that "time apart" to sort ourselves out while still being in a long distance relationship and talking frequently. I warned him early on that there was going to be an emotional roller coaster ride (which may have scared him off early) but we stuck it out and almost 7 months later, we're still together and going strong.

The two most important things in a relationship: HONESTY & COMMUNICATION

It doesn't matter how much you have in common or how good looking you guys are, if you can't be honest and can't communicate, then there is nothing. My relationship with my late husband was based on passive-aggressive manipulation on his part and silent martyrdom on mine. Though we loved one another, we weren't completely happy.

 

[sonew123]

Quote:
No judgement here hunny--you rock on and take care of you-no one has walked in your shoes to judge anything...

I agree with you though...open book and open the flood gates-if the new BF chooses to stay even after she tells him ( which she did I believe) then it's all on him if he so chooses to stay for the either the long haul-or getting dumped possibly

 

[CherryChick]

Quote:
Aw hunny..a month is nothing..seriously..It may seem like being together for a month straight is amazing, great, and full of laughter/love but it's not reality. Now Im not saying the ex isn't a great guy or anything but the man your with now seems so sweet and kind. I'll tell you this from my owm personal experience. A long time a go DH and split up..we were getting divorced...I started dating a guy who I fell madly in love with-madly...( I had known him or thought I knew him for 2+ years prior as a friend) It was awesome-my stomach hurt from laughing so much, my cheeks hurt from smiling, my heart hurt from missing him when we couldn't be together ( the days when I had my girls he was not allowed over and my children never knew of him-I wasnt ready for that and neither were they in my opinion) We dated for 10 months? Then reality hit...My blinders slowly came off and seeing him in his true light made things come to a screeching halt. He was ignorant, selfish, shady, impatient, and downright mean. When he became comfortable with me..that's when the real him came into existance. I dumped him asap-no looking back-no regrets...What Im saying is that if you were to live with your ex for 6-9 months straight-youd see him in a totally differently light. People can only "fake it to impress" for so long and then BOOM-the real people emerge. Now, I just happened to have gotten involved with a loser

BUT your ex might be different-your gaga feelings might remain and be even stronger after living with him for 6-9 months straight or only reassure you that you had made the right decision long ago to break up! Like I said before..It's life -you have to live it first before you make such massive decisions in your life. You are at an age where you need to go out and live your life for you right now-settling is not an option-ever.

tell me this..Are you still in contact with your ex?

I am still in contact with my ex. ( know that definately doesn't help) We had be together for so long it didnt seem right not to talk to each other. He still talks to me and I talk to him. He tells me he loves me and all the things I want to hear. But then seems to go back on those words. And what is even worse is he has a girlfriend and he tells me these things. It has really showed me a differnent side of him. I always knew he was very flirty ( even thou he states he doesnt know what flirtying is) And that part of reason we did break-up besides the distance.

All of Everyones experiences do help me to look at things differently. And I think not talking to him for a while will help a lot with my feelings.

 

[RHRanch]

Quote:
Aw hunny..a month is nothing..seriously..It may seem like being together for a month straight is amazing, great, and full of laughter/love but it's not reality. Now Im not saying the ex isn't a great guy or anything but the man your with now seems so sweet and kind. I'll tell you this from my owm personal experience. A long time a go DH and split up..we were getting divorced...I started dating a guy who I fell madly in love with-madly...( I had known him or thought I knew him for 2+ years prior as a friend) It was awesome-my stomach hurt from laughing so much, my cheeks hurt from smiling, my heart hurt from missing him when we couldn't be together ( the days when I had my girls he was not allowed over and my children never knew of him-I wasnt ready for that and neither were they in my opinion) We dated for 10 months? Then reality hit...My blinders slowly came off and seeing him in his true light made things come to a screeching halt. He was ignorant, selfish, shady, impatient, and downright mean. When he became comfortable with me..that's when the real him came into existance. I dumped him asap-no looking back-no regrets...What Im saying is that if you were to live with your ex for 6-9 months straight-youd see him in a totally differently light. People can only "fake it to impress" for so long and then BOOM-the real people emerge. Now, I just happened to have gotten involved with a loser

BUT your ex might be different-your gaga feelings might remain and be even stronger after living with him for 6-9 months straight or only reassure you that you had made the right decision long ago to break up! Like I said before..It's life -you have to live it first before you make such massive decisions in your life. You are at an age where you need to go out and live your life for you right now-settling is not an option-ever.

tell me this..Are you still in contact with your ex?

I am still in contact with my ex. ( know that definately doesn't help) We had be together for so long it didnt seem right not to talk to each other. He still talks to me and I talk to him. He tells me he loves me and all the things I want to hear. But then seems to go back on those words. And what is even worse is he has a girlfriend and he tells me these things. It has really showed me a differnent side of him. I always knew he was very flirty ( even thou he states he doesnt know what flirtying is) And that part of reason we did break-up besides the distance.

All of Everyones experiences do help me to look at things differently. And I think not talking to him for a while will help a lot with my feelings.

I think you know that if someone really loves you and wants to be with you, they will make that happen. They will not betray their current girlfriend to lead you on, only to "go back on his words" - Take it from me, when a man really loves you, he will do nothing to jeopardize your relationship or to hurt or confuse you. Think about it - When something or someone is important to you and you value it - do you act conflicted, lukewarm, or unsure about it? If that person or thing asks you to do something, do you hesitate, or change your mind? No, not if you are really committed. When you think about this Long distance boyfriend, consider that you may have accepted a lot of bad behavior by attributing it to the distance or difficulty of a long distance relationship. When u have to make excuses, you have a problem. I have been involved in a LD relationship for some time - and let me tell you - this man would do anything for me - and he has made countless sacrifices for me. No excuses, no hesitation, no lies or broken promises. YOU deserve no less from a man, don't accept less.

 

[sonew123]

Quote:
Aw hunny..a month is nothing..seriously..It may seem like being together for a month straight is amazing, great, and full of laughter/love but it's not reality. Now Im not saying the ex isn't a great guy or anything but the man your with now seems so sweet and kind. I'll tell you this from my owm personal experience. A long time a go DH and split up..we were getting divorced...I started dating a guy who I fell madly in love with-madly...( I had known him or thought I knew him for 2+ years prior as a friend) It was awesome-my stomach hurt from laughing so much, my cheeks hurt from smiling, my heart hurt from missing him when we couldn't be together ( the days when I had my girls he was not allowed over and my children never knew of him-I wasnt ready for that and neither were they in my opinion) We dated for 10 months? Then reality hit...My blinders slowly came off and seeing him in his true light made things come to a screeching halt. He was ignorant, selfish, shady, impatient, and downright mean. When he became comfortable with me..that's when the real him came into existance. I dumped him asap-no looking back-no regrets...What Im saying is that if you were to live with your ex for 6-9 months straight-youd see him in a totally differently light. People can only "fake it to impress" for so long and then BOOM-the real people emerge. Now, I just happened to have gotten involved with a loser

BUT your ex might be different-your gaga feelings might remain and be even stronger after living with him for 6-9 months straight or only reassure you that you had made the right decision long ago to break up! Like I said before..It's life -you have to live it first before you make such massive decisions in your life. You are at an age where you need to go out and live your life for you right now-settling is not an option-ever.

tell me this..Are you still in contact with your ex?

I am still in contact with my ex. ( know that definately doesn't help) We had be together for so long it didnt seem right not to talk to each other. He still talks to me and I talk to him. He tells me he loves me and all the things I want to hear. But then seems to go back on those words. And what is even worse is he has a girlfriend and he tells me these things. It has really showed me a differnent side of him. I always knew he was very flirty ( even thou he states he doesnt know what flirtying is) And that part of reason we did break-up besides the distance.

All of Everyones experiences do help me to look at things differently. And I think not talking to him for a while will help a lot with my feelings.

I knew it I could tell-RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!!! Please open your eyes..if he has a girlfriend and you gave him the chance-he would cheat on her in a heart beat-just like he would do to you..Im glad you are seeing the true side of him!..OK now my mom side is kicking in---Dont you dare speak to him again--YOU have a boyfriend and you are decieving/lying him and fooling yourself...IVE BEEN THERE--I was in your exact place--the calls--the baby I miss you crap--I wish I could see you--I love hearing your voice-BLEAH BLEAH BLEAH ...He says the same crap to his girlfriend, trust me on that!. YOU want to be spoken to in a way that YOUR man ONLY speaks to you-not every girl he is with in the same language...You said before "Should you settle?" Sweetie you would be settling with the ex if you settled- your guy you have now is the prize! Does your BF now know your in contact with ex??? I cannot imagine he does-he could call it quits ASAP if he finds out about it-Would it be worth it?? The guy I was with tried to stay in contact with me for 3 years-I NEVER called him-NEVER emailed him-NEVER nothing..He was "the love of my life" He kept a Gf the whole time while screwing around behind her back AND trying to win me back... DIRTBAG!!! I'm not saying your ex is the same guy..but boy does it sound familiar save yourself..keep the good memories you do have--lock them in a box-thank God for that experience and move on with your life in an upward motion-not steps backwards...

 

[ChickInDelight]

Parting makes the heart grow fonder. With your X - the wanting /anticipation / infrequent visits kept everything in the early excitement / euphoria stages. When you were together, it was vacation mode - not sharing a life. Let go of him.

Give your reality relationships a chance over your foriegn fantasy man with the sexy accent.

 

[Marcymom3]

Quote:
X2!!

The current boyfriend sounds like a wonderful guy. My advice is to let go of the ex once and for all. If he wanted to make your relationship permanent he would have done it long ago. The LD relationship is fun and exciting and very limiting if one party wants to keep it that way. My guess is that he was playing fast and loose the whole time you two were in a "relationship."

It is not fair to keep current boyfriend on the string if you do not have feelings for him. I feel sure that once you cut off ex permanently and give yourself time, you'll figure out how you really feel about #2. It is clear he cares deeply for you, so I hope that if you decide you just need to be friends you will do it gently and with dignity. It is also fitting to mention here that friendship is the most important and lasting part of a marriage. It's trusting and caring for another person, speaking honestly and openly about our feelings without feeling judged, respecting each other, and being at ease in each others presence that are the keys to success.

Sorry to sound so preachy there, but I'm just trying to describe to you what it's been like to be married to hubs, who is also my bff, for 37 yrs. We obviously don't always agree, but it doesn't mean we don't love each other.

 

[CherryChick]

My current bf has known about me talking with the ex (since we are still friends) I have told him since the first date that I just got out of a very serious relationship and would take time to heal. I didnt really give myself time to heal from that last one. But I have been honest with him and told him when I've spoken to him which isn't too often. When he asks questions about what we talked about I dont lie to him. I"m very honest with him about it. We had a chat a week ago and we decided that i need some time to myself and to get on the road to forgetting the ex before moving on. We are still going to be friends and he even said he would wait on me.

I've told him plenty of times that I dont deserve him and that he is too good!

 

[CherryChick]

Quote:
X2!!

The current boyfriend sounds like a wonderful guy. My advice is to let go of the ex once and for all. If he wanted to make your relationship permanent he would have done it long ago. The LD relationship is fun and exciting and very limiting if one party wants to keep it that way. My guess is that he was playing fast and loose the whole time you two were in a "relationship."

It is not fair to keep current boyfriend on the string if you do not have feelings for him. I feel sure that once you cut off ex permanently and give yourself time, you'll figure out how you really feel about #2. It is clear he cares deeply for you, so I hope that if you decide you just need to be friends you will do it gently and with dignity. It is also fitting to mention here that friendship is the most important and lasting part of a marriage. It's trusting and caring for another person, speaking honestly and openly about our feelings without feeling judged, respecting each other, and being at ease in each others presence that are the keys to success.

Sorry to sound so preachy there, but I'm just trying to describe to you what it's been like to be married to hubs, who is also my bff, for 37 yrs. We obviously don't always agree, but it doesn't mean we don't love each other.

we decided together that I should take time alone to get over the last one and to see where I want to go with #2. It's only been about half a week and it feels so weird without him around. He is my best friend we have our ups and downs but most are ups.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Just make sure you don't fall into the trap that it to be your current boyfriend or your ex. There are many guys out there. I would take some time to yourself to see what it is you are looking for in a relationship, and continue dating. I'd be careful about stringing the new guy along. It sounds to me as though you haven't found what you are looking for yet.