Reliving the KIDS issue

[rufus]

And what I am telling you is to not make that mistake. Encourage her to go into the military or work in a hardware store, but don't give up oh her.

Rufus

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Giving up on her is not a choice. She has been to the recruiting office time and time again, but needs to lose 15 lbs. She makes no effort to get that done. Rufus, this is not a decision that has been made at this point, nor is it one we take lightly, however continuing to let her sponge off of us and contribute NOTHING is not an option. When the point comes that we ask her to leave, we will know she has a place to go. We are not planning on inviting her to pull up a cardboard box to the curb. Our ultimate goal is to make her realize that life costs money and she needs to learn how to provide for herself.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Quote:
I worked double shifts at a prison to raise my 16 year old sister. I MADE her stay in school. When she was 17 she went back to my parents even after the reason she was with me was that my father beat her. She didn't want to go to school, she made her choice. I was 21...no other way I would have even gotten custody! Now...she's a drug addict and I keep my niece when she is not in school and she stays with my mother while school is in session. SOMETIMES a person can have every opportunity to have a better life and turn it down. You never know which way it will go. It's NOT the parents fault once the child is old enough to make their own decisions. SHE has a choice to make. You are blessed to have 2 that made the right choices. You can't raise a child forever.

 

[DuckLady]

Quote:
This

 

[WriterofWords]

Debi don't stress over this one, you haven't done anything wrong, neither has Ken, and no one should be trying to guilt you into letting her mooch off of you for the rest of her life.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Oh darlin, one person who doesnt get it will not change my mind. Our goal is to make her successful. *SIGH*

 

[Britney]

O.K am I going nuts? I thought that I read somewhere that Sarah has her 2 year old half brother at your house because it is Easter. Now I can't find that post anywhere. LOL I really wanted to comment on that. If I didn't imagine reading that and you really did say that, LOL that tells me a lot about you and your husband Debi. I know a lot of x spouses would never allow the child of their x in their home. Debi if I really did see that You're a better person then I thought that you are. I think that you are a good person anyway but that would make you more loving. Only between us reading this thread...SSSHHHH I agree with writerofwords. When a student graduates High school if they do not have positive and productive plans then they should have to enroll in the service...SSSHHH You didn't hear that from me.

 

[Zahboo]

Make it where they want to get out of the house. No phone priveledges if youdidn't go to school that day and if you didn't go, don't expect to use anything that is yours (as in yours mrs debbi) Internet HA only people that go to school and get jobs have internet.

 

[EweSheep]

My sister is presently dealing with this by her oldest son, my nephew. He was so lazy and thinking high dollars for a beginning job that does very little. Well he got a rude awakening, nope, you do not take a day off from work when the kids are out of school. Nope you will pay your rent, and your own food and work at your own job! He didn't like that. She did gave him a deadline after graduating from HS that he is to either find a job and pay his way in room and board OR get out. He stayed at home with his parents almost two years now, paid his rent even he got a full time job ut not enough to make it out on his own. His spending habits dont help either LOL! He is not planning on going to college or military either. My sister's next step would be this....time to get out. You got an idea what the real world is like and now it is time to make it out on your own without a safety net. He is now 21 years old.She has not giving him a deadline yet but in due time he will. Hate to say this, but this could be genetics, his own bio father was just like him, a moosher and lazy bum! He lies too and my sister's radar will go off every time he fibs to her and he hates that when confronted about it. He did tell my parents (his grandparents) that the world owe it to him.....WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! My dad was furious and told him he will be in a rude awakening one day that life is not going to be a bowl full of cherries.

Her other son, Luke, was successful and we could not be more proud of him. He worked part time to save up his tution for the tech college down in Nashville, TN, went to school full time and he will be coming back home with his parents, with creditials and good references so he can go down to the police department and get on to be their car repairman/maintaince worker in their car fleet. He didnt care how much he makes but wanted to tinker with police cars, all the bells and whistles LOL! He will be successful since his long time gf is studying to become a RN. So both of them got a good future waiting for them.

So Debi, giving a tough love would be the best thing! I know it is hard but you would never stop loving your children....my parents never stopped loving me after they gave me the ultra. In fact, they were PROUD of me making it out on my own but missed me being around them, the rent money, etc. LOL. With all the threats I put on my parents, it didn't work because they saw it coming and not buying it either. So I lost the battle of trying to stay home. No regrets, no hard feelings (none at all really!) or bitter remorse toward my parents...I am glad they made it known. My hubby's family was different, they had no contact with other family members and particuarly his father, wants to keep his son home as long as he can, depending on him (reversed roles you might say), enabling him and one day enough was enough. However the ramifications of the bond between father and son was hurtful but both of them were so hard headed that they do not see what they are doing LOL! However I agree with his father, he is of age, now it is time for him to make a family of his own and pay his own bills and we are not going to stay around forever. Both of us looking back, in different times, we grew up fast and together as a couple now, a BIG THANKS to our parents giving us tough love! Now we got a 6 year old dd, we will give her choices as my parents did for me and within certain amoutn of time in college, getting work experiences, she will have to make the decision to spread her wings. It is not going to be easy for me nor my hubby since she is our only child. If she becomes successful, we have done our hardest job successfully! Now by that time, she will grant us some grandkids and those kids will give her the paybacks that she created with us LOL!

Hang in there with your husband. I know you two can make the best decisions you can for your DSD.

 

[Knock Kneed Hen]

Quote:
I've so far read this thread up to here....I was waiting for the right moment to express my thoughts on this I guess

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Does the above sound like this girl is living as an adult? You lock your snacks in your room??? If you have to worry about her stealing cigarettes and disobeying the rules that you have made then you have more than just a lazy daughter...she's disrespectful and really doesn't give a hoot as to what you want. She's doing the bare minimum to stay because...well, that's all you require of her. People will rise to the occasion. If you treat her like she's twelve, she's going to stay twelve. The best, and most loving thing, that you can do is tell her to move on. Letting her stay is easing your conscience, keeping you from having to worry about her..but it's not helping her to grow.

Just on a side, I have two adult sons. Both have worked (cleaning toilets & making beds) since they were 14 (they worked for a local lodge). I never let them spend THAT money...if they wanted spending money they had to do chores that were in addition to their regular work around the house/yard. I would pay them for those chores (like washing the car) and that was their pocket money. They got excited watching their bank accounts grow then started to put some of their pocket money into their accounts. When they graduated they had enough money for a car and they both went to college. One has successfully finished college and has better paying job than my DH. The other is a senior in college.

The working son (he's an asst. manager at one of the Four Seasons Hotels) called me a while back and said, "Mom, you were hard on us when we were growing up. I'm so glad that you were...you should see the work ethics of these people I manage." I know he's gotten as far as he has and as quickly as he has because he does have an awesome work ethic.

My point to telling you all this is: It will be hard to give her the push, it will be hard when she shows up wanting to borrow a few bucks to make it to the end of the month and you tell her no, you will worry, you will cry, but you will also be helping your girl become responsible and self sufficient. In the end she will be greatful to you for it. I really do believe she will.

Sorry that you're having trouble with this one. I have three younger children so my record isn't perfect...yet!! I look at them and sometimes ask myself, which one of these ones is going to give me trouble?