Share stories about taking care of older parents.( and advice too)

[MelTilocco]

I have checked the other related threads, and this one seems to be the best fit for what I need. May I chime in with my "elder care" situation, or is that hijacking the thread?

Don't know if I can help. Willing in give it a try. I have helped care for a few of my elders.

 

[BullChick]

I do see that this thread died a year ago. By sharing here, though, I KNOW some people will see it because alerts are sent.
So, here goes. DH was a spoiled boy that went from house to house until he got what he wanted. He got what he wanted mostly from his Great Aunt. She is now 94. A few years ago, she got kicked out of one relative's house. Her late husband told her that if she were ever alone, a man would attack her. So, she walked down the lane to another nephew's house to sleep in their recliner. When she would get sick, she was always sent to my house. I have no real training but I have dealt with IVs and MRSA. That has been a re-occurring problem for her. After getting kicked out of that house, she would come to my house at night, and spend a few weekends a month with yet another relative because we went to different churches. It didn't take long to get kicked out of there too. She was just too mean and demanding. After about a month of just spending the night with me, she would insist on spending 24/7. My husband had nothing (and I do mean NOTHING) to do with her, so he didn't care. When I complained about the stress, he would tell me he couldn't make her leave. Then she got really sick, had a heart attack and stroke, another bout of MRSA, and then her thyroid became a problem. In and out of the hospital, I always stayed on her side. She is terrified of nursing homes, so I would talk to the doctor about why he wanted her in a nursing home. I hated the stress she was causing me, but fear is fear. She wasn't kidding about that.
She began to take seizures, and it was no longer a choice. She HAD to live with me. One night while my truck driving husband was home, she began yelling at me. I don't know if she had been having a bad dream or what, but she demanded I leave the house, and sleep in the chicken coop. Yes, my husband allowed it. No, I haven't forgiven him, It was a cold night.
The next morning she was told to either apologize or leave. She left. She was told by her sister and her sister's children that she couldn't stay with them. She was kicked out of a nursing home, and my DH's mother finally had enough of her yesterday. She is back here, and already telling me what to do.
Of all the stupid things, she is furious that the fresh eggs were not IMMEDIATELY refrigerated. I live in PA. It is cold, and the eggs were just laid. I cannot convince her that they will be okay for a few hours (or days, or even weeks) until I get them cleaned up. She is convinced margarine belongs on the counter for weeks until it is all used up.
I am more than 20 years younger than my husband. I want a baby not a granny. I put my life on hold at 17 to raise a nephew and little brother. I finished that job (a pleasure to raise my sweet nephew) only a few years ago. I cannot have Easter, my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, a vacation ... I must be with her inside the house when the sun sets or she cries. Longevity is on her side. She can live another 20 years.
Not that I wish her ill will! I just don't know how I am going to survive another two years (or was it three?) like I did before.

 

[chiques chicks]

MCc, I will pray for you. I don't have any answers, but I do understand your stress. I may even, with your permission, ask a pastor friend to advise me on any help I can emotionally give you. People at that age are demanding.it seems their worst attributes intensify. I know you need support and an ear.I can only really provide the second.
People do care about you.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Ok, I am just going straight from the gut here. I would find another nursing home. It really is your husbands deal to help. Now that might include you helping out too but it would not be ALL YOU, and only YOU taking the yelling and abuse. Sounds like the family has found a sucker(soft heart) to take care of their problem. That is just my 2 cents.

I take care of my parents and yes they drive me up the wall sometimes BUT they are MY parents. My husbands helps a ton but I would never just sit back and let him handle all of it and not even offer any type of support. You might even say that she can come stay so many weekends a month or whatever but she needs more than you can give right now.

 

[BullChick]

MCc, I will pray for you. I don't have any answers, but I do understand your stress. I may even, with your permission, ask a pastor friend to advise me on any help I can emotionally give you. People at that age are demanding.it seems their worst attributes intensify. I know you need support and an ear.I can only really provide the second.
People do care about you.

Of course you can talk to others about it. My pastor has been no help, and her pastor visits occasionally, but even he seems exhausted by her.
Heather, I am not offended by you using the word "sucker". I took it how it was meant. I know that is what I am. Sometimes I am glad for it. Just not when I am so miserable.

 

[Spookwriter]

Abigail, if you find comfort in this thread...
then know, thats it's not dead.

And if you feel the need to talk, all you have to do is post
away, or PM me if need be.

We all know it's not an easy path. But it's one you don't need
to walk alone.


Spook

 

[MelTilocco]

I do see that this thread died a year ago. By sharing here, though, I KNOW some people will see it because alerts are sent.
So, here goes. DH was a spoiled boy that went from house to house until he got what he wanted. He got what he wanted mostly from his Great Aunt. She is now 94. A few years ago, she got kicked out of one relative's house. Her late husband told her that if she were ever alone, a man would attack her. So, she walked down the lane to another nephew's house to sleep in their recliner. When she would get sick, she was always sent to my house. I have no real training but I have dealt with IVs and MRSA. That has been a re-occurring problem for her. After getting kicked out of that house, she would come to my house at night, and spend a few weekends a month with yet another relative because we went to different churches. It didn't take long to get kicked out of there too. She was just too mean and demanding. After about a month of just spending the night with me, she would insist on spending 24/7. My husband had nothing (and I do mean NOTHING) to do with her, so he didn't care. When I complained about the stress, he would tell me he couldn't make her leave. Then she got really sick, had a heart attack and stroke, another bout of MRSA, and then her thyroid became a problem. In and out of the hospital, I always stayed on her side. She is terrified of nursing homes, so I would talk to the doctor about why he wanted her in a nursing home. I hated the stress she was causing me, but fear is fear. She wasn't kidding about that.
She began to take seizures, and it was no longer a choice. She HAD to live with me. One night while my truck driving husband was home, she began yelling at me. I don't know if she had been having a bad dream or what, but she demanded I leave the house, and sleep in the chicken coop. Yes, my husband allowed it. No, I haven't forgiven him, It was a cold night.
The next morning she was told to either apologize or leave. She left. She was told by her sister and her sister's children that she couldn't stay with them. She was kicked out of a nursing home, and my DH's mother finally had enough of her yesterday. She is back here, and already telling me what to do.
Of all the stupid things, she is furious that the fresh eggs were not IMMEDIATELY refrigerated. I live in PA. It is cold, and the eggs were just laid. I cannot convince her that they will be okay for a few hours (or days, or even weeks) until I get them cleaned up. She is convinced margarine belongs on the counter for weeks until it is all used up.
I am more than 20 years younger than my husband. I want a baby not a granny. I put my life on hold at 17 to raise a nephew and little brother. I finished that job (a pleasure to raise my sweet nephew) only a few years ago. I cannot have Easter, my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, a vacation ... I must be with her inside the house when the sun sets or she cries. Longevity is on her side. She can live another 20 years.
Not that I wish her ill will! I just don't know how I am going to survive another two years (or was it three?) like I did before.

Know YOU are a Wonderful person!

Be sure to takecare of yourself at times, that is not selfish! Tell her out right that you care about her but, that she needs to be nice because you are the one and only person left who is willing to care for her. She really needs to hear you tell her that you will not allow her to talk so badly to you. And Never leave your home for your chicken coop! Demand Respect from her. You are AWESOME for taking her in! There are many nursing homes out there, she could end up at one that will not be nice to her. If you try whispering to her she might stop yelling to listen. I will get you in my prayers.

 

[HeatherLynn]

Heather, I am not offended by you using the word "sucker". I took it how it was meant. I know that is what I am. Sometimes I am glad for it. Just not when I am so miserable.

I use sucker because I often feel like I am one myself. I know how that tendency to always say yes and always be the one who takes the beating though can wear at you. Because of that tendency I am feeling very worn, very old and I am not even 40. You can push yourself till your mental and physical health is in real trouble. I will pray it gets easier for you and you find the right path.

 

[RedneckGurl]

Wow, MotorcycleChick, you are a better woman than I! I would not stand for it, not even from my own flesh and blood. I have a soft heart and I don't like to see people or animals suffer, but there comes a point when you have to stand up for yourself and INSIST that she show you the respect you deserve for taking her into your home. If she refuses I would say that is it - into a home she goes - period. And if she gets herself kicked out she cannot come back to your home. You have a life to live and you sound young - too young to be saddled with an ungrateful harridan who isn't the slightest bit willing to change her horrid behavior. I understand about fighting age with everything you've got but a person can be graceful and kind while doing it too.

 

[BullChick]

Wow, MotorcycleChick, you are a better woman than I! I would not stand for it, not even from my own flesh and blood. I have a soft heart and I don't like to see people or animals suffer, but there comes a point when you have to stand up for yourself and INSIST that she show you the respect you deserve for taking her into your home. If she refuses I would say that is it - into a home she goes - period. And if she gets herself kicked out she cannot come back to your home. You have a life to live and you sound young - too young to be saddled with an ungrateful harridan who isn't the slightest bit willing to change her horrid behavior. I understand about fighting age with everything you've got but a person can be graceful and kind while doing it too.

Thanks. I am only in my early thirties. I am actually looking into apartments for her. First, find her a place she can be by herself, then get the doctor to sign the papers allowing her to be by herself. It is kinda sad that the Dr. in town will be happy to do it. He believes that making the patient happy is more important than their health. It is frightening at times (like when my husband had MRSA, and the doctor wasn't being clean, and when Aunt Lee had a blood clot, and he said she was fine. That is when she had her stroke). It can also be nice. No waiting when you have a sinus infection!