Some Short Ones.

[CapricornFarm]

Hugh Blewit gets a job working at the sawmill, after a couple of days he ends up in an accident, he leaned over too far and got his arm cut off.
Luckily the guy working with him, thought quick and put his arm in a plastic bag and they rushed him to hospital.
After a couple of days the guy went to visit Hugh in hospital and was told that Hugh was in Rehab, so he goes to Rehab and there is Hugh playing tennis, 'Wow! the wonders of modern science,' the guy thought.
So a couple of weeks past by and Hugh returns to work in the sawmill, again another accident, Hugh got his leg cut off.
Well you know the rest, they put his leg in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital. After a couple of days the guy went to visit and was told Hugh was in Rehab.
So he goes to Rehab and there is Hugh playing soccer, the guy thought, 'Wow! The wonders of modern science.'
So after a couple of weeks Hugh returns to work in the sawmill, you guessed, another accident.
This time Hugh got his head cut off, so quick thinking they put his head in a plastic bag and rushed him to hospital.
After a couple of days the guy goes to visit Hugh, but this time he was told they couldn't save him and Hugh had died.
Shocked, the guy asked why after the other times they saved him, the doctor said, "Well we could have only some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated!"

 

[Col1948]

Have you been a victim of faulty double glazing?
Could you be entitled to condensation?

The self deprecation society are opening a club in my home town and I've put myself down already.

 

[Col1948]

Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for local boy scouts.

 

[Col1948]

I tried cooking corned beef fritters for tea... But ended up making a hash of it.

My pet name for my girlfriend is copious... She says it means a lot.