Some Short Ones.

[Col1948]

Jokes about white sugar are rare. But jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.

Add a touch of magic to your cold by putting some glitter in your mouth before you sneeze.

2 blind blokes were fighting and my wife said make them stop, so I shouted at them, I think the bloke with the knife will win and they both ran off.

I've been invited to the RNLI's Christmas party and they really know how to push the boat out.

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side. I mean, imagine all the peepholes.

I see the new Corduroy pillows are making the headlines.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or not, try missing a couple of payments.

Someone told be down the pub that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, I did not want to believe it. But when I got home all the signs were there.

I walked into a bookshop and said to the girl behind the counter "I'm looking for a book by Shakespeare." "Which one?" She replied. "William" I said.

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst. So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

I bought a new strimmer today, it's cutting hedge technology.

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed. I never knew they worked.

Enough for now, more to follow.

 

[Col1948]

Someone told be down the pub that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, I did not want to believe it. But when I got home all the signs were there.

I decided the best way to get out of debt was to sell the house. The council are furious.

Some local yobs stole 20 crates of Red Bull from our local corner shop. I don't know how they sleep at night.

I'm the kind of person who calls a spade a spade. The police, however, insist on calling it Exhibit A.

Police have arrested a woman for stealing a sign reading "& Emergency". She claimed she found it by Accident.

I went to my mates funeral it was sad, he was killed by a tennis ball Still, it was a lovely service.

Going out with the wife tomorrow to the supermarket. We'll be deciding whether to buy some beef, lamb, pork, or venison... It'll be a joint decision!

Apparently, they're not making shortbread any longer...

More to follow.

 

[Col1948]

I know this thread is for 'Short Ones' but all this talk about chickens and eggs reminded me of a story I heard.

There was a Chinese man who had a chicken that laid an egg almost every day, he looked out the window one morning and saw the man next door picking an egg up from his garden.
The Chinese man rushed outside and asked the man about the egg, the man said, "Your chicken must have got in my garden and laid this egg," the Chinese man said, "Well that egg is mine seeing as it was my chicken that laid it."
The neighbour replied, "Well it's in my garden so it's mine," The debate went on then the Chinese man said, "We can sort this out the Chinese way of timing."
So the neighbour said, "What is 'Timing' ? So the Chinese man explained:

He said, "I kick you between the legs and when you fall down I time you to see how long it takes you to get up, then you do it to me, whoever gets up in the less time gets the egg."

So the Chinese man goes first, he took a step back and kicked the neighbour as hard as he could, the neighbour fell down, after a few minutes he got up and said, "Right it's my turn."
The Chinese man replied, "Tell you what, there is no point in us falling out, you keep the egg."

 

[Col1948]

My kids threw up after I told them I'd put Ginger in the curry.
They loved that cat.

I was looking forward to this tube of Pringles... but there’s only three in there and they’re all tennis ball flavour.

Wimbledon will soon be upon us. My wife's a keen tennis fan, but she hates all that groaning and grunting during the women's matches.
I have promised her I will stop.

I'm looking at starting up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.
I just need help getting it off the ground.

Marriage: Because your bad day doesn’t have to end at work.

My wife thinks I'm nosey, well that's what she put in her Diary.


Went shopping with the Wife yesterday and she got a ladder in her tights, best shoplifter I've ever seen.

I went to see the Red Arrows today.
There were gasps of “Ooh” and “Aah” as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hours worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

More to follow...

 

[Col1948]

My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers. They started the season well with three wins and a draw... All 4-1 and one 4-all.

I think the wife's doing a salad for tea tonight. Either that, or the smoke alarm's broken.

I been perfecting my bread making skills all morning and I've already done baguettes and bloomers. I'm on a roll now.

I was showing an American colleague who was over on a business conference the sights. "Wow, "he said, "I can't believe how small and compact everything is. Your cars, your buildings, your TV's even your food portions." Then I introduced him to my wife, that shut him up.

More to follow.

 

[Col1948]

I couldn't believe it today when my wife reversed into our driveway and knocked down a wall. Could have been worse - she could have been driving.

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier. “And I love you tonnes.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.


I went rabbit shooting this morning, now I'm banned from Pets at Home.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her make up.

I can usually tell if someone is judgemental... I just have to look at them.

We had a minutes silence in our house today. The wife popped next door.

Paddy sent his wife a text message, he typed it all in upper case, she replied asking why he was shouting, he text back, "I had to, there was bus passing and it had a noisy engine."


More to follow.

 

[Col1948]

I went camping twice last week, it was intense.

Albert Einstein was a genius... But his brother Frank was a monster.

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested,
let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

A man walks into an Ann Summers shop, and asks for a see through negligee, size 54-52-58. The assistant looks at him and says, "Why the hell would you want to see through that?"

The BBC are releasing a new programme all about Siamese Ducks.
They're starting with a double bill.

My mate Phillip had his lip removed.
We just call him Phil now.

Apparently they’re making a remake of the Never-ending Story.
It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

I hate people who take drugs especially the Customs and the Police.

Survival tip:
If ever you're attacked by a bunch of clowns, always go for the juggler.

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober... I had no idea I was married.

Boomerang: a frisbee for people with no friends.

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today... Sprayed it all over myself... Still cant fly.

Bought a Parachute yesterday and it came with a free jacket and matching trousers, well I thought that just suits me right down to the ground.


More to follow.

 

[Fields Mountain Farm]

Those are just fabulous!
Look forward to more!

 

[Pork Pie]

I’ve not seen Morcombe and Wise for years - keep ‘em coming, Col

 

[Col1948]

Rang the tinnitus help line this morning, it just kept ringing.

When we got married her parents promised me 4 acres of land and a cow.
I'm still waiting for the land.

I like my steaks rare.
Tonight I'm having panda.

Why did they call it a 'Toothbrush' and not a 'Teethbrush'?

Would you say I'm fat and ugly?". Said the Wife.
"Certainly, love; you're fat and ugly".

My wife was getting ready for a night out when she called me upstairs, "Does my bum look big in this?" she asked, I said, "Well it is quite a small bedroom."

My wife has just left me and ran off with the postman.
I do miss him.

My mate fell in an upholstery machine last week, he's fully recovered now though.

"Your driving is terrible," I said to my wife.
"Oh come on!" She protested, "It's not that bad!"
I just shook my head as I took a deep breath, got out of the car and swam to the surface.

I once tried to make a square but I ended up with an octagon.
I suppose that’s what happens when you cut corners.

I've finally sorted out that annoying noise in the car, I opened the door and pushed her out.

As I lay on the couch, talking about my childhood and sobbing, I said, "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Yes," replied the sales assistant.


More to follow.