Sometimes we're born into the wrong family **long**

[punk-a-doodle]

Talking anonymously can actually be a very healthy way to express one's frustrations and get input. I do not know who any of these people are or who their families are. That is distinctly different than having someone I know talk about such things in a community where everyone knows those involved. No one being anonymously discussed needs to "defend themselves" because no one here knows who they are. Truth is something of a human construct, and most are aware of this..as is anyone who comes from a family where family members openly try to shame the other amongst people they do know and try to manipulate how others view said person for various reasons. Very different situations.

 

[kara_leigh]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Quote:
Oh Baby.

Father's Day is a man made creation a designated day to honor people that we either honor or don't every day. What silliness. A sperm donor does not a father make..... social norms that push you to honor them does not mean you have to...


About the book --- I read my first copy at the library!! Remember them?? They're also lovely places to just BE.

Breathe. Exist. You are OK exactly as you are. Today, right now.

Print that last line. Stick it to your bathroom mirror. Tape it to your front door. Repeat it until you believe it. Start with: repeat it until you believe that I believe it, you'll believe it later......

I agree. My husband and I think those holidays created by the greeting card companies are ridiculous. We don't treat them any different than any other day, other than maybe a special dinner or something. We don't do Valentine's Day or Mother's/Father's Day.

I would go to a library, but the closest one is at least an hour away.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

Quote:
Oh Baby.

Father's Day is a man made creation a designated day to honor people that we either honor or don't every day. What silliness. A sperm donor does not a father make..... social norms that push you to honor them does not mean you have to...


About the book --- I read my first copy at the library!! Remember them?? They're also lovely places to just BE.

Breathe. Exist. You are OK exactly as you are. Today, right now.

Print that last line. Stick it to your bathroom mirror. Tape it to your front door. Repeat it until you believe it. Start with: repeat it until you believe that I believe it, you'll believe it later......

I agree. My husband and I think those holidays created by the greeting card companies are ridiculous. We don't treat them any different than any other day, other than maybe a special dinner or something. We don't do Valentine's Day or Mother's/Father's Day.

I would go to a library, but the closest one is at least an hour away.

There you go then, no need for guilt in not calling him today if you would not call him any other day. You cannot control how he feels about greeting card holidays, but you think they are ridiculous so don't bother with them....

 

[boykin2010]

I dont know exactly what to say but i am praying for you and your family. Dont let your families problems get you down. Enjoy fathers day with your husband. I am sure he appreciates it way more than your dad would.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Because we're us, and you're you. We were actually all born to be individuals, with individual choices. I may choose to post something you may not. Is that sad? Maybe to you. The only thing I see that's sad in this picture is that some of us were raised with such guilt and shame that it takes a message board to talk to someone else who might hopefully understand, because our own families who are supposed to love us and understand don't. You say "not to down anyone" but then go ahead and post how sad it is that we are sharing our feelings on this board. It's absolutely meant to "down" us, you could not possibly have any other intention or you would have moved on quietly. Fortunately, our bonding and relating of this very serious issue to us will stand out more than your petty remark that clearly comes from a position that doesn't understand or want to understand what we are going through, so why even read or post on this thread? Also, you got your words mixed up there. We aren't "talking bad about family", we're "talking about bad family". Big difference. Now why don't you go look in the mirror and think about what issues you might have that would drive you to post such an insensitive thing on a thread that's otherwise filled with bonding and healing? What you find might be sad.

Just wanted to add, how is talking on this board different than say, an Alanon meeting, where you talk about how to heal and be whole and discuss in a group setting your families? Or are you against things like that too? I just can't understand why anyone would judge a group of people discussing family problems, relating, finding relief knowing we aren't alone, and trying to be happy in life. Why is that so sad? I just don't get it.

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
I read this after the fact, because the day has passed, but when I find myself wondering these things, it's a great time to refocus. What do I want to do? NOT what do others think I should do, or what will others think of me if I don't do what they think I should do.... sometimes the answer becomes painfully clear when you ask yourself these simple questions. "Do I want to call Dad?" Well, no, I don't, but what will mom think if I don't? Or what if others are visiting and see I haven't called? Will I look like a lousy daughter? Maybe I should just call and deal with all the crap, because then I can at least say I tried.... blah blah blah. Now go back in the prior sentence and cut it off before the "but". Do I want to call dad? Well no. Period. That's it. You don't want to call dad, so why should you? These are the types of choices we have to retrain ourselves on, to think from a perspective, "Will this make me whole?" If it doesn't, don't do it. Doing it out of feeling "obligated" or wanting to look good to family is fake, right? Why be fake. If some REALLY wants to know why you didn't call dad, let them call you and ask.

I personally still have a nice relationship with my father, but that's as I said before, because he was willing to change, recognized the things he did wrong, and stopped doing those things. My mother on the other hand, hasn't received a Mother's Day card in years. She doesn't deserve one. It's not spite, it's just me being honest. I could waste hours in Walmart reading these cards that say "thank you for always being there".... scratch that, she wasn't. "Thanks for loving me and showing me support".... nope. It goes on and on. If I could find a card that said "thanks for not actually killing me driving around drunk all those times, because god knows you almost did" or "thanks for technically giving birth to me, because I am now all I have..." okay, maybe. But cards don't say those things. Maybe that will sound harsh to some, but I don't care. I have to believe what I am saying is true. I lived my life humoring her for WAY too long. I will not lie now. And so, she doesn't get cards. That's MY reality at least. I'm the one who has to rest my head on my pillow at night and ask "Did I do good today? Was I honest, and did I live in a healthy-minded way?" Or did I sell myself out again, in an ongoing attempt to appease others? These are just some things I think about.

 

[Momagain1]

I did not, could not read the 10 pages of this thread...

all I have to say is I understand most of what you put down..not all of it..

I am sorry....truly...

Some people are toxic...some people you can take in extremely small doses...

dont be used...I did see the one posts above mine; about sperm donors/real fathers/phone calls etc...

my daughters FATHER, is my husband, her stepdad...altho we NEVER call him her stepdad..neither does she..
it was never thought about...my ex husband is her biological donor...she does NOT call him on fathers day...EVER..
A: she doestn know where he is..and B: why? she wouldnt talk to him any other day..why today?

You have to protect yourself, your life and your family...and thats ALL you have to do in life...

and BTW--- some people on this site are very very judgemental..trust me..I vented once and got a
huge set of PM's...some people have things... the size of soccer balls on this forum..but if it was face to face..it'd
be a diff story...so if you get a nasty private message or a message here..(I DONT KNOW..I didnt read it all!!!)
Please..read each response..take what you will from each response and just know that sometimes..a vent is
helpful...as long as its a vent and not a lifelong choice of hate/sadness...

Mar

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
I got the gist of what you are saying, and thanks for the support. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what others in different situations are going though, but not being judgmental is appreciated. One thing I just wanted to say is about the sentence I put in bold. I do not hate my mother. Despite everything I've said here about the reality of who my mother is, no, I don't hate her. I do resent her, I am hurt by her, etc., but "hate" isn't even in my vocabulary, truly. And as far as sadness? Well, I certainly would have lived the rest of my life in sadness had I continued contact with my mother. Absolutely sure of that. The first 30-something years with her in it were very sad. I finally opted for happiness. In my case, choosing happiness meant a life without my toxic mother in it. Since she refused to change, grow, learn, I had to. But I just didn't want it to come across that I "hate" my mother, I don't. My life is just happier without her constantly infiltrating it with dysfunction and all the horrible destructive feelings that come from that dysfunction. I absolutely want happiness for everyone here, whether or not cutting out a parent is the necessary course of action, or whether a relationship can be healed. Doesn't matter how you come to a place of being happy, as long as you do.

 

[LadyAndHerPeeps]

Quote:
Because we're us, and you're you. We were actually all born to be individuals, with individual choices. I may choose to post something you may not. Is that sad? Maybe to you. The only thing I see that's sad in this picture is that some of us were raised with such guilt and shame that it takes a message board to talk to someone else who might hopefully understand, because our own families who are supposed to love us and understand don't. You say "not to down anyone" but then go ahead and post how sad it is that we are sharing our feelings on this board. It's absolutely meant to "down" us, you could not possibly have any other intention or you would have moved on quietly. Fortunately, our bonding and relating of this very serious issue to us will stand out more than your petty remark that clearly comes from a position that doesn't understand or want to understand what we are going through, so why even read or post on this thread? Also, you got your words mixed up there. We aren't "talking bad about family", we're "talking about bad family". Big difference. Now why don't you go look in the mirror and think about what issues you might have that would drive you to post such an insensitive thing on a thread that's otherwise filled with bonding and healing? What you find might be sad.

Sorry you feel I was trying to down someone here ,that was not My intent and I feel you took it wrong .Read My post however you want to I am ok with that .I didnt get My words mixed up at all.I have always thought it very sad that a person feels the need to post negative things about their family in an open forum,that being said does not mean I do Not feel for a person who is dealing with such issues.My hope would be for the said person to have real happiness in thier lives and leave the past in the past.It makes one a whole lot healthier person mentally as well as physically and after all isnt that what is most important?
What I said was not an attack ,hopefully someone will understand that.
Peace be with you all.And God Bless.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Because we're us, and you're you. We were actually all born to be individuals, with individual choices. I may choose to post something you may not. Is that sad? Maybe to you. The only thing I see that's sad in this picture is that some of us were raised with such guilt and shame that it takes a message board to talk to someone else who might hopefully understand, because our own families who are supposed to love us and understand don't. You say "not to down anyone" but then go ahead and post how sad it is that we are sharing our feelings on this board. It's absolutely meant to "down" us, you could not possibly have any other intention or you would have moved on quietly. Fortunately, our bonding and relating of this very serious issue to us will stand out more than your petty remark that clearly comes from a position that doesn't understand or want to understand what we are going through, so why even read or post on this thread? Also, you got your words mixed up there. We aren't "talking bad about family", we're "talking about bad family". Big difference. Now why don't you go look in the mirror and think about what issues you might have that would drive you to post such an insensitive thing on a thread that's otherwise filled with bonding and healing? What you find might be sad.

Just wanted to add, how is talking on this board different than say, an Alanon meeting, where you talk about how to heal and be whole and discuss in a group setting your families? Or are you against things like that too? I just can't understand why anyone would judge a group of people discussing family problems, relating, finding relief knowing we aren't alone, and trying to be happy in life. Why is that so sad? I just don't get it.

VERY well said. Laura, you always manage to say things much more eloquently than I have the ability to.