Starting new support group - EOLWDP

[ruth]

I'm forming a new support group: Eternal Optimist Living With Depressed Pessimist "EOLWDP". I could use any helpful ideas about how to successfully live with someone who constantly thinks (and says) the sky is falling and we are going to be "selling pencils in the snow" (my term for their "we're going to lose everything" comments) and all is hopeless. I've tried humor, prayer, trying to lay out all the positives, rational debate, couples therapy - the list goes on and on.

Do any of you live with someone who wants to dump their negative beliefs on you every day, all day long, and there's nothing you can say or do to change their minds or get them to stop?

It's really hard to stay happy and whistle "Zip-A-Dee Do Da" all day when the person you love most (husband) is having a full blown panic attack over every little thing or is so depressed he can't function.

 

[WriterofWords]

I don't know what to tell you there, I divorced my downer. I do teach with some who can't see the good in any student and they want to constantly complain and belittle them. I tell them flat out I don't want to hear it, if you can't say something nice don't say it at all. UNLESS it is something that make a difference in how I teach a child or someone is endangered by their behavior.
I asked my students what they do if a student was like this and the best suggestion I had was this:
Tell them if they are going to say something negative they have to say something positive, BEFORE they say the negative.
Advice from an 11 yr old boy!
Kate

 

[chickflick]

I had a friend like that...a real downer. After a few years, I couldn't take it any more and told her I couldn't be her friend any more. It was hard, cuz she was such a needy person, but every time I was with her, I was depressed!! No matter how I tried to build her confidence up, she just saw sadness.
I hope you find a way to reach the person you are living with. Maybe just sit down and tell him that you can't take it any more and something has to change. There is so much beauty around us, he has to learn to see it. You have to be willing to try and help him. You probably feel at your wits end, and don't know what to tell you to help you. Only you can decide it you want to stick it out or not. Good Luck and my thoughts will be with you.

 

[Katy]

As a rule I'm the "glass is 1/2 full" person and my hubby is the "glass is 1/2 empty" guy. I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to let his attitude get me down too. He's a good husband and a hard worker....it's just that we don't look at some things the same way. You can either let it ruin your life, or decide to just let him look at life his way.

 

[WriterofWords]

Quote:
I had a friend like that too, it seemed she fed off of everything I said that was nice and supportive and used it to come up with something even worse. I hated to lose a friend, but I lost a lot of weight off of my shoulders.

 

[Buff Hooligans]

I'm a "not only is the glass is less than half-empty, it might as well be a freakin' Dixie cup" kinda person.

But it hurt my DH when he himself was having a bad day. So he told me. And I've learned to clam up when I don't have anything helpful to say. Nobody wants to hear it.

And I guess it's better for MY mental health to not voice the falsely negative stuff that goes on in my head.

 

[speckledhen]

Eternal Optimist Living With Depressed Pessimist

Sort of, but he says he's a realist, not a pessimist. Says he lives day to day and wont have dreams or make plans because there is no money, nothing will get better, it can only get worse, etc, etc, etc. I, on the other hand, have to look ahead, make plans, dream, even if none of them will ever happen or I will become depressed!I'm not in la-la land, I'm a realistic optimist, I tell him. It's hard always being the one to look at the positive, the one to stay cool when the other one is in a state of panic, etc. I so hear you, Ruth and I empathize. No answers here, but I know the feeling.

 

[nccatnip]

I do not know anything about your DH, but is it possible the stress of the move, taking on such a project is getting to him? I will tell you, moving is stressful enough but to then take on refurbishing a place as grand as your is just might be overwhelming at times. I did the same thing and sometimes it is very difficult to see the progress I have made, I only see the stuff that needs to be done. Then I get crabby too.

 

[karri25]

Ruth-I love you!!!!!! I am SURROUNDED by mostly downers and I didn't even realize how bad it was starting to affect me until I got to visit my mom the other day. I just started crying because I was so happy to be around someone who was happy again!!!! It made me remember that I in fact am not unusual. It really gets me down that downer people act like we are stupid just because we don't go out of our way to be sad.

Don't worry.....wait for it.....BE HAPPY

 

[Katy]

Quote:
Sort of, but he says he's a realist, not a pessimist. Says he lives day to day and wont have dreams or make plans because there is no money, nothing will get better, it can only get worse, etc, etc, etc. I, on the other hand, have to look ahead, make plans, dream, even if none of them will ever happen or I will become depressed!I'm not in la-la land, I'm a realistic optimist, I tell him. It's hard always being the one to look at the positive, the one to stay cool when the other one is in a state of panic, etc. I so hear you, Ruth and I empathize. No answers here, but I know the feeling.

Are we married to the same guy Cyn? Mine always say he's a realist too!! I always tell him a person can be a realist without just seeing the negative!!