Take a 5 year old to a funeral or not ?

[Kristina]

I'm with newnanchic on this one although no decision is wrong. My girl is 5 also and "gets" animals dying. We've talked about people dying and we've been to a graveyard...BUT I don't think she could handle an actual funeral. Think about a 5 year olds thoughts and how scared they would be to see so many people crying...death can be very traumatic. My little one gets scared every time someone gets sick and she doesn't wan't anyone to get old. Not realistic of course but she is only 5. like I said they are only 5 and no decision is wrong but I would hope you think about it. Animal and people death are two totally different things.

 

[d.k]

* My feeling is that it is not so much the funeral you need to explain to a child, but the range of behaviors/reactions she can expect among the living!!! That was what confused me as a child. NOW, I understand that it has a lot to do with a person's beliefs about eternity and other personal issues -- like guilt feelings, and so forth. As a child, though, the vast range of people's reactions to my grandma's death was what really kind of disturbed me.

 

[susanhai]

I'm sorry but taking your kids to a strangers' funeral/ viewing is just wrong! It wasn't a field trip... this was a family grieving and they should have been able to do it with their own friends and family around..

We started with strangers and then people we barely knew and moved up to family friends.​

 

[Southern28Chick]

The worst feeling is being 17 when you first experience death. I believe it's best for people to get a good understanding of life and death at a young age.

 

[The Chicken Lady]

In the lives of our ancestors, children were exposed to death much more often. They learned about it at the same age your children are (or earlier). Often, the deaths they saw were from violence; they may have seen dead bodies, not cleaned up and prepped at a funeral for the viewing.

Death is a part of life's journey, and I think it is important to teach children about life's truths as soon as they are able to handle them. The fact that the older child was asking questions about death shows that she is ready to learn. If you are in any way religious, this would be an excellent opportunity to share your family's religious beliefs concerning death with the children, as well as the proper etiquette for attending a religious ceremony.

I worry more if we hide our children from the bad things in life, rather than telling them the truth. The current generation of kids, for the most part, have been spoiled and are unprepared to deal with failure and other hardships in life. I think we need to move away from that as quickly as possible.

 

[PAChickenChick]

Quote:

Susanhai....I'm catholic and in our parish we are all encouraged as the congregation to go and support our fellow church members. So my Children and I went to the church, expressed our sympathy sat in the back of the church for mass and then went home where my Children then asked me questions. It was not a field trip nor was it disrespectful to the deceased in any way. And then I would take them to friends of my Parents. Which would not be strangers to me but would be strangers to my Children. I'm sorry if you feel this was wrong, but I however disagree with you. I do not feel that offering sympathy to a fellow parishoner is a bad thing or an infringement on privacy as we did not "gawk" or ask questions there. I guess you think it was bad to go to a co-workers funeral too???? I mean you aren't Family or Friend...so I guess you shouldn't be allowed in?

 

[arlee453]

Long rant warning...

Death is part of life. I don't think you need to shove a kids face in it (ie make them kiss Grandma's corpse, etc) but I think it is wrong to not include them at funerals to 'protect' them from the realities of life.

I think smaller children who have no clue and would be disruptive should be left at home, or taken out immediately if they start to get noisy just as a courtesy to the other mourners.

Older children like your 4 yr old should be included. I think asking her is a good idea - most children are more curious that anything at that age. They take what they are exposed to in stride at hat age. I believe they handle death a whole lot easier when they are allowed to experience it as a part of family life at a young age, rather than be told they can't go and wonder what is so horrible about a funeral.

We have a weird attitude towards death in our culture for the most part. We compartmentalize it and try to minimize and hide it. Similar to other normal and natural parts of living like birth and sex. For both death and sex we don't let kids understand that they are normal and natural parts of life, but then they are exposed to sensationalizion of them through media and video games, etc to graphic and way over-done images of death and sexuality.

So if we don't temper what they see in the media with frank talk (sex) and/or exposure to the realities (funerals/visitions) then all they know is what they see on TV - that's it's a Taboo subject for mom and dad, but they can see gratutitous death on TV.

Getting back to the original question...I would ask her if she would like to be included, have a talk with her beforehand to let her know what to expect - how the funeral service will go, what the casket is, what other people may be doing (they will be sad, or crying, etc) what behavior is expected of her. If she decides to go have someone prepared to take her out if she gets overwhelmed and needs to step away for a while.

It's the same advice I give my couples who are considering having older siblings at the birth of their little brother or sister. I've never once had anyone regret having their children present at a birth if the kids were well prepared and a person there to take them out if they decide they don't really want to be there at the last minute.

Death is part of life - a sad part, but also I thnk teaching children about death and how to grieve appropriately is important for their future development.

The people I know who can't handle funerals, don't know what to do to say goodbye to a dying loved one, avoid talking about death or the realities that their loved ones will not live forever are the kids whose parents completely shielded them from funerals and never talked about it with them as kids.

 

[SundownWaterfowl]

When I was around 5, i think, my great grandmother on my fathers side passed away. I loved her so much. I wanted to go to her funeral, by my parents didnt let me go. I regret that I wasnt allowed to go. When I asked my mother about it, she said that she should have let me go.

I say take the kids to the funeral, yes it will be sad, but it is a part of life. And in the future you will regret not taking them.

Sorry for your loss!

 

[Ericasl]

Sorry for your loss, and yes I also think your 5 year old should go with you. I would leave the 3 year old home because he is to small to remember, it also will be easier for you to be with your daughter. I have a 5 and 7 year olds and if I was faced with this I would take mine with me. Mine have also had animals die chicken, goat and they were there and put flowers on the animals grave. My mother always said the death of animals was a way of getting children ready for death. I think you need to go with what your gut tells you.

 

[AhBee01]

When my Dad passed away in 06, my li'l guy(Michael) just turned 4, he was really close with his Pappy. My Dad had been sick all of Michael's life, so he knew this day would come. It was hard to tell him the night he passed. Michael was so brave, but he knew Pappy was happy in heaven. I explained to him that we could say goodbye to Pappy, and that we would see him in his "heaven bed", I didn't think he would understand casket.
He would look like he was sleeping, but his soul was in heaven.
When we got there, Michael went right up to Pappy, he pulled a chair up up the casket and stood there at his side for an hour. I didn't interfere and when he was ready he touched my Dad on the face and said goodbye sweet Pappy, then got off his chair and put it back. For the rest of the viewing, he stayed near the back of the room and greeted the family and friends, and came to check on me from time to time.
He was such a trooper. He did ask all the questions that come up, and I answered them honestly, he had had no ill effects from going, but I believe he would have never let me live it down had I left him home.
We go to the cemetery often and bring flowers, or have a donut with Pappy, which was his favorite thing to do with Pappy! He dreams of him and tells me Pappy is so happy with Jesus!
So I believe if Your daughter wants to go you should let her, and if she gets restless, have someone take her into another room and keep her busy.
We also tag team, with other family members and help keep each others kids in another room while paying our respects. That works well for us, and if the kids want to see the family member they have a chance, and also some family member to keep them company.
I'm sorry for your loss,
Brenda