Take a 5 year old to a funeral or not ?

[Lydia]

I haven't had a chance to read all the other responses but I have worked in funeral service for some time and I would like to say that I feel children should be included in funerals the same way they are included in weddings and other important family events and milestones. In my experience, people in our country don't talk about or acknowledge death very openly, especially in urban areas. It's something that's done in secret (almost). I have worked many funeral services where I've seen parents detouring children away from the open casket and not answer questions about why grandpa or their sister is in that box or is "sleeping". It was very disturbing to me because we are all going to die and like birth and high school graduation, death is something that is a part of life and we are all going to experience it at one time or another. I once heard a child ask her mother at a funeral mass, "Is Grandpa dead?" The mother refused to even talk with the child or acknowledge her very pointed question and directed her into the church sanctuary to sit and color.

The last funeral home where I was employed, we served a diverse ethnic range of families. I found that families who have come to the US from other countries, like Mexico and Thailand, were much more open with their children about death and included them in every part of the preparation and funeral process. Remember that a little more than hundred years ago, people were caring for their dead at home and now some people in the US are choosing to go back to caring for their dead at home.

I truly believe that children deserve the right to mourn the loss of a loved one as their emotions are just as valid as an adult's. I think one of the most important things we can do for children is let them know, as soon as they can understand, that death is a part of life and the emotions they feel when they lose a person or pet they love is part of grieving and is totally normal. You can keep information age appropriate and answer their questions in a way they can comprehend. I agree with the posts that talk about telling children the truth.

My husband and I used to live at one of the funeral homes where I worked and my daughters saw just about every aspect of what happens after someone dies. I believe it was an important experience for them and they have a completely different perspective on death than most adults I know.

 

[NS2A]

Quote:
Well, we are and that's kind of the issue. My wife says she doesn't want my daughter to see other people sad and crying because she'd get confused as when you die you go to heaven. So according to my wife if you are a "believer" death is actually a happy time. I disagree. Even if that is your faith, we are still humans and will feel sad when someone dies because, well, we're human.

 

[wegotchickens]

I took my daughters to the visitation & funeral of both of their grandfathers. But I let viewing be a choice. We've gone to the funerals of several friends of the family since then, both people we knew and people we didn't know but are related to close friends of the family.

I didn't go to funerals as a child and regret it. When my Grandpa passed away we'd never been to a visitation or anything before, so it made an already unhappy time even more stressful. We didn't know what happened or how things were done. So we couldn't focus on saying goodbye because of the awkwardness. That makes me sad even to think about even now.

I think kids should go. They should learn about the receiving of friends and things to say & ways to behave. If we take them to christenings and weddings, then funerals are another natural part of major life events. It is a social function for the living. They will be expected to deal with this as adults, so why not start teaching them about it all now?

 

[Katy]

Being farmkids my kids were exposed to death at an early age. I know a family member passing and a calf dieing aren't the same thing, but they did grow up with an understanding about death. I don't think trying to protect children from seeing death does them any favors. It's a fact of life and I think it's easier on them knowing about it from the beginning than having to deal with it for the first time at an older age. I think sometimes protecting the kids from it comes from the parents being unwilling or unable to deal with talking to them about it.

 

[cheeptrick]

The most thoughtful gift is not only donating to the charity of the families choice, but buying a memorial tree for them to plant in their yards. I'm a member of the American Forests Association and order these shortly after the funeral for the living loved ones! I get yearly spring fall winter and summer pictures of the trees we have given over the years. They are so proud of it and nurture it...some even bought plaques and benches to place under the branches.

Try this site...
http://www.historictrees.org/store.html

My mother planted a cherry tree for her grandmother...it was a cutting from the historic Japanese Cherry Trees in Washington! The original cherry trees that surround the Tidal Basin at the Jefferson Memorial were first planted in 1912 by First Lady Mrs. William Howard Taft and the Vicountess Chinda of Japan

 

[Sonia]

I would take the 5 yo to the viewing and the burial personally. I went to family members funerals at a very young age and if handled correctly by the adults in the childs life will be good for her/him actually. Will it be painful? Yes. Losing a loved one is always painful but being there and seeing that others miss her just as much will let the child know that it is ok to grieve and cry. It is also an opportunity to share a great loss but derive both comfort and strength from it. Families need to share not only the good times but the not so good as well.


My prayers are with you and your family through this difficult time. (((HUG)))

 

[okiemommy]

So according to my wife if you are a "believer" death is actually a happy time. I disagree. Even if that is your faith, we are still humans and will feel sad when someone dies because, well, we're human. smile

The first statement is true in a way...the happy part is that there is no more suffering and they are with the creator of the universe, and they are completely happy. The second statement is true. It still does hurt. Very much, to not have someone with us in this life anymore.
God bless you and I am sorry for your loss.​

 

[The Chicken Lady]

It sounds like you and your wife need to sit down and discuss the religious beliefs you want your children to have and how you plan to instruct them so that your children are not confused by different teachings.

Maybe you can use the story of the death and resurrection of Jesus (if you are Christian) as an example of a time when a death was both sad and happy to help your children understand why people react to death in different ways.

 

[TheMartianChick]

I think that you should definitely take your older child. She has already demonstrated that she has an "understanding."

I was a "sheltered" child and I had very little exposure to death and funerals,other than animals. As a result, I never attended a funeral until 2001. That's right... I will be 38 years old in a couple of months.

As you can imagine, that first funeral was extremely traumatic and I didn't even know the deceased very well. I boo-hoo'd because everyone else was crying. I was nauseous and everything else. It was horrible. I still suffer with this, though it is getting better as I learn to block out everyone else's emotions.

It did open my eyes, though. I saw that my children were traveling the same path that I was. Several months ago, we had a death in the family. It was someone that they barely knew. I took them to the funeral so that they would have the experience. I figured that if they can experience the ritual without the emotions that it will be easier when the time comes to bury someone that they are truly close to.

 

[d.k]

* It's NOT easier, exactly-- but, you are more attuned to the REALITY of death-- that everybody dies--and anybody COULD; old, young, sick, well. That HERE, nobody lives forever. I really think that is IMPORTANT to know!!!! JMO.