The Playground (Anna’s chat thread v2)

[Amer]

Anyway I’m trying to make an effort to write one chapter of all my story ideas
Here’s the prologue for reverie. Which I’m revamping to be called Soul of Tempest
Yeah all those old drafts I kept rewriting are all getting ditched. So now this has to be my 237264932th attempt

Spoiler: Long

Soul of Tempest — Prologue



“Petrichor.”
A girl of twelve turns over in her sleep.
“Petri, wake up.” The gentle voice of her mother comes again. “Pola is already up helping your father. I need you to get up.”
Petri opens her eyes. It’s still dark and she can barely see the outline of her mother’s slender profile and wavy hair and lightly feathered ears. But her bed is so comfortable...and her room...
I may never sleep in this room again.
A candle illuminates a corner of the room. Petri squints and finally rises from her bed, unfolding her wings which look golden when bathed in the light. In natural light, they are blue-gray with white stripes going down each feather in a pleasing pattern. They are strong and big and beautiful and Petri’s only pride.
Petri’s mother doesn’t smile. Her eyes have dark circles under them but still harbor a determined spark of energy.
“Get dressed, grab your bag and come help load up our things. I’ll get the baby...remember to be silent as the trees.”
Petri nods and stumbles on shaky legs towards the little closet in the corner of the room. The room is only dimly lit by the candle, but she can still see her wooden-slatted bunk bed by the window. Pola’s bed is on top and already made up neatly. There’s hardly a wrinkle in his earth-toned patchwork quilt. Showoff. She snorts.
Petri reaches into her closet and pulls out the only clothes remaining—a plain gray skirt with a ruffled white underskirt. A Taurskin vest with soft brown fur on the inside. A dark leather backpack on a buckled harness and belt. Black tights. Berry-red gloves and a scarf. And of course, plain white woolen socks and leather boots. Everything else Petri owned—which was a generous amount—had either been shoved in her backpack or discretely burned the night before. So much luxury had been thrown away. There is no turning back.
Petri sighs and pulls on her layers, carefully unbuttoning the short sleeves of the vest so she could pull it up under her feathered arms. Then comes the skirts, and then the socks and boots, and finally the gloves, scarf, and backpack. At last, Petri looks in the mirror and spins slowly, spreading out her arms to showcase the blue-striped feathers tipped at the ends with delicate brown hands. She has her mother’s dark wavy hair, same as her brothers, and her skin is only a shade lighter than her mother’s golden tan. From her father she has a few freckles and soft, desaturated brown eyes in contrast to her mother’s fiery and dark ones. Her appearance had awarded her many envious and perhaps longing glances from peers, but only one had truly caught her attention in return, mostly because he chose to be her friend first and foremost. His loyalty meant everything to her.
Mack! I will have to say goodbye to him somehow. The sad realization sinks in that she may never see him again. Petri tears a bit of paper from mother’s checklist and scribbles down a note. She examines it for a moment or two before shoving it in a side pocket of her skirt.

— — —

“You are taking a while. You doing okay? I understand this is probably hard for you.” Petri’s father is tying rolled-up quilts onto the back of Match, the biggest Taur in their family’s domestic herd. Petri counts her quilt, and then Pola’s similar one. What’s the point of even making your bed if the bedding’s coming with us? Showoff!!
Petri snorts for the second time that night.
“If you need to talk to me, I’m always here for you. Okay?” His vibrant feathers are shimmering in the moonlight like a crystal blue lagoon, and his eyes are gentle.
“Okay. I’m okay.” Petri plops a big leather duffel onto Match’s back. “What’s in here, anyway?” She remembers to keep her voice low. The nearest neighbors are only a short distance from their house.
“Tent.” Now Petri’s father wrinkles his nose. She knows he doesn’t enjoy the elements much.
“I’ve got the provisions!” Pola comes waddling out from behind the giant tree that carries the house. There’s a shed at the base where the animals are kept and non-perishable food is stored.
“Thanks, bud,” Father says, taking the heavy box from the young boy. Pola is younger than Petri at about eight years, which only increases Petri’s disdain at his perfection. He has the same shade of hair and skin as Petri, but his wings are a darker blue which make the white strips stand out even more strikingly.
Mother comes a few moments later, leaping with outstretched wings from the high-up house like a flaming angel. She has her hair braided up with blue beads to match Father’s wings, an old Flighter marriage tradition. She is wearing a long skirt and vest like Petri’s, and she has her own leather harness that goes over her shoulders and across her stomach. Attached to the front of the harness is Pirr, the baby of the family who is too young to fly. His appearance is nearly identical to Pola’s at that age except for one eye being brown and the other being an olive green. He looks around, bewildered but silent. Maybe Mother cast a spell on him.
“The Prophetess determined it to be a mark of especial luck,” Father had said of his colorful eyes. “The gift of foresight...sensing danger. That’s a rare find these days.”
Petri’s gaze lowers to her own blemish, a single black feather amidst the gray and white. The gift of strength and victory in battle, her parents had said. Petri believed it. Her wings had served her well, though it wasn’t necessarily an uncommon trait among Flighters.
“We are ready now. Let’s hurry before the snow comes to reveal our tracks.” Mother shuts her eyes as if she is rethinking everything she’s done up to this moment.
“Can we stop by Mack’s house? I never said goodbye to him. I’ll just deliver a note. That’s all.” Petri pleads, wide-eyed.
Mother squints and purses her lips, but Father butts in before she can speak. “I’m sure you can sneak it under his window. Just make sure you don’t give anything away. Nothing about where we are going or why.”
Petri nods in agreement. “I would never.”
“So let’s go then,” Pola says. “The others are probably waiting by now, you guys take so long.”
“We will hurry then.” Mother shields her eyes from the bright moon. “Let’s travel through the trees’ shadows so we won’t be spotted.” The family begins to walk, slow step after slow step.
“We are in deep now, darling,” Father murmurs to his wife. “There is no turning back. All we have now to trust is luck.”
“No. Not luck.” Mother spits on the frosty ground. “May the Highest Power bless us.”

I kinda like it, but I feel like it’s too unfocused...it’s like one paragraph of exposition followed by 3 paragraphs of tangents/description/flashbacks and then jumping back to exposition. And considering it’s a prologue and most of these characters ultimately aren’t Super Important idk if they really need a detailed description

It’s good and interesting but the description is really confusing, especially in present tense. Less confusing and wordy this way
Petri spreads out her wings, blue and white striped, tipped with delicate brown hands. This, combined with her desaturated brown eyes-her father was to blame here-and wavy brown hair-gotten from her mother-had often earned her envying glances, but only one had attracted her attention in return.
“It’s still dark and she can barely see the outline of her mother’s slender profile and wavy hair and lightly feathered ears.” This is fine, though remove the and.
Her father and Pola don’t need to be described, though you can include the envy.
Don’t describe all of the clothes.
“Petri reaches into her closet and pulls out the only clothes remaining—a plain gray skirt with a ruffled white underskirt, along with a Taurskin vest.” Then say, “With a few warmer clothes on top, Petri was prepared for whatever -season- would throw at her.” Or sometime.
All we need to know about Pri now is his eye color, and connect it to Petri’s feathers.
Brevity will increase our anticipation.
Other than that, it’s really cool!

 

[lilmillefleur]

It’s good and interesting but the description is really confusing, especially in first person. Less confusing and wordy this way
Petri spreads out her wings, blue and white striped, tipped with delicate brown hands. This, combined with her desaturated brown eyes-her father was to blame here-and wavy brown hair-gotten from her mother-had often earned her envying glances, but only one had attracted her attention in return.
“It’s still dark and she can barely see the outline of her mother’s slender profile and wavy hair and lightly feathered ears.” This is fine, though remove the and.
Her father and Pola don’t need to be described, though you can include the envy.
Don’t describe all of the clothes.
“Petri reaches into her closet and pulls out the only clothes remaining—a plain gray skirt with a ruffled white underskirt, along with a Taurskin vest.” Then say, “With a few warmer clothes on top, Petri was prepared for whatever -season- would throw at her.” Or sometime.
All we need to know about Pri now is his eye color, and connect it to Petri’s feathers.
Brevity will increase our anticipation.
Other than that, it’s really cool!

Thank you! This is really helpful.

I wrote another first chapter for my other story, Silent Starling (previously silent cyber). This one is a lot less descriptive and a lot more plot/action, but I may have gone too far the other way. At the same time I think the writing might be a bit clunky and doesn’t invoke a lot of excitement but I’m not sure.
Thoughts/feedback are appreciated!

Spoiler: My other story ch1 first draft

Silent Starling — chapter one

“Hello? Have you seen this patch? I’m looking for the Starling Hunters.”
A grunt in response.
I’ll try somewhere else.
“Have you seen the Starling Hunters? Excuse me?”
“No I haven’t. Move out, kid.”
Without her friends, Alize realized, she had no presence. No one cared enough about her alone. And this place was so loud and colorful, not even her bright pink hair stood out.
“Get me a drink.” Alize slid into a barstool, sighed, and waited. Watched and waited for nothing in particular, except maybe a miracle.
It was then that she saw the androids.
There were two of them, one only a bit shorter than Alize herself and another a whole six inches or so. They had old rewired TVs for heads, which were uncommon as robotic parts, but not unheard of.
But it wasn’t the TVs that grabbed Alize’s attention. It was the clothes they were wearing. More specifically, the symbol on the taller one’s brick-red jacket: a creamy yellow star with angel wings contained within a dark purple pentagon. The Starling Hunters’ patch!
Alize stood up immediately and shuffled her way through the crowd of partiers and gamblers. “Hey!”
The androids turned their blank screens towards her. The emptiness made Alize feel uneasy, since usually androids had some sort of digital face. The taller one drew back a pace and the shorter one grabbed its arm in response. It looked as though they were turning to leave.
“Wait!” Alize began to run. She pulled her patch out of the pocket of her bomber jacket and held it up in the air. “Can you see it? I need your help!”
Sprint, the Leader of the Starling Hunters, had once said that finding a non-member with the patch meant that they knew where someone was in trouble.
“If you’re ever in trouble,” She’d said, “You rip off your patch and give it to the first person you find. That way we’ll always find each other.”
Now the taller android stopped dead in its tracks. Alize was panting. “You need to tell me where you got that patch.”
“I am not authorized to talk to you.” The taller android spoke. Though its appearance was rather boyish with its jacket and cuffed blue jeans, it had a peculiarly refined and feminine voice.
“Authorized? What do you mean I’m not authorized!” Alize turned to the smaller android, which was wearing a pink sweater. “Please. I’m looking for my friends. That’s their patch. Where did you find it?”
The smaller android lifted a robotic finger as if to speak, but the taller one cut it off. “She is not authorized to talk to you.”
“Okay, boxhead. Have it your way.” Alize snorted in her frustration. The taller android seemed to be taken aback again. It turned, one hand still clutching the smaller one’s, and ran out of sight.
Alize had to admit that this was odd behavior for an android. Though many did wear clothes to try and integrate with the humans and Mutants, few were quite so shy and fearful as these ones were. Were they even androids to begin with? Sometimes humans will wear helmets like that.
But they had to be androids. Alize saw their hands. They were artificial.
“Hey! Stop right there!” An angry voice rose up above the din of laughter and mindless chatter.
Soon a huge man in neon garb emerged from the corner of the crowded room, carrying both androids by their shirts with each hand. Their screens were still dark.
“You can run your little metal hearts out, but you won’t be leaving this room.” The man rumbled. “You’ve got a big bounty on your little idiot boxes. And it’s put there by The Starling himself.” He laughed. “Oh look...you’ve even got the Hunters’ patch. Since when did you become part of their little gang? Huh?”
The bigger android didn’t speak, but the shorter one raised her voice. “Let us go!” Her voice was similar to the other android’s, refined and feminine with a bit of static, but slightly higher in pitch.
The man laughed. “Well, if no one else will be claiming this bounty, I’ll be off!”
Dead silence, except for a few murmurs and whispers among the crowd.
“Oh come on. The Starling’s incredibly wealthy, you know. Whoever turns these suckers in would get a huge reward.”
That seemed to wake people back up. The room went wild.
“I’ll take you on!” A woman’s voice. “One on one!”
“Make that one on one on one!” A voice full of lighthearted laughter.
“Not if I get them first!” Someone slid across the floor and grabbed the smaller android by the ankle. Writhing under their grip, the android shot a powerful jet of fire out of its shoe and the person on the floor let out a deafening yell. The other android lifted its leg up to its captor’s face and did it again until both androids were loosened. More people began to crowd around the center of the room only to get sprayed with bright blue and violet flames.
How do these people not know about The Starling? He’s such a large part of my life...Alize allows her mind to drift a little as she inches closer and closer to the chaotic scene. She reaches for her side pocket with one hand and prepares to draw her weapon.
Everyone who enters the cantina has to be evaluated for weapons so no one gets shot up. Which is why Alize’s weapon was perfectly disguised as a handheld electronic device.
Interestingly enough, she had a mini flamethrower. The whole crowd had soon evacuated the building.
It was just her and the androids now. They rose into the air on their jet shoes, ready to annihilate her and make their escape.
“I’m not going to turn you in.” Alize threw her weapon to the side and then raised her hands to shield her face. “I just need you to talk to me. And don’t say you aren’t authorized because I was the one who saved your necks.”
They remained hovering in the air, blank screens focused on Alize’s round brown face.
“Look...I’m sorry about what happened. I just want your help.”
The pair were quiet for a moment, then the taller one spoke. “That depends on what is in it for us.”
“My grandmother is well off. I’m sure she’d pay you generously if she knew how much you helped me.” Alize was nearly begging.
“Money is of little importance to me.” The android said.
“Okay...I’ll do anything you want. Anything. I just...I promise you can trust me. Just tell me what you want.”
The androids turn their heads towards each other for a moment, as if sharing an artificial thought. Then they spoke in unison.
“Vengeance.”

 

[Amer]

Thank you! This is really helpful.

I wrote another first chapter for my other story, Silent Starling (previously silent cyber). This one is a lot less descriptive and a lot more plot/action, but I may have gone too far the other way. At the same time I think the writing might be a bit clunky and doesn’t invoke a lot of excitement but I’m not sure.
Thoughts/feedback are appreciated!

Spoiler: My other story ch1 first draft

Silent Starling — chapter one

“Hello? Have you seen this patch? I’m looking for the Starling Hunters.”
A grunt in response.
I’ll try somewhere else.
“Have you seen the Starling Hunters? Excuse me?”
“No I haven’t. Move out, kid.”
Without her friends, Alize realized, she had no presence. No one cared enough about her alone. And this place was so loud and colorful, not even her bright pink hair stood out.
“Get me a drink.” Alize slid into a barstool, sighed, and waited. Watched and waited for nothing in particular, except maybe a miracle.
It was then that she saw the androids.
There were two of them, one only a bit shorter than Alize herself and another a whole six inches or so. They had old rewired TVs for heads, which were uncommon as robotic parts, but not unheard of.
But it wasn’t the TVs that grabbed Alize’s attention. It was the clothes they were wearing. More specifically, the symbol on the taller one’s brick-red jacket: a creamy yellow star with angel wings contained within a dark purple pentagon. The Starling Hunters’ patch!
Alize stood up immediately and shuffled her way through the crowd of partiers and gamblers. “Hey!”
The androids turned their blank screens towards her. The emptiness made Alize feel uneasy, since usually androids had some sort of digital face. The taller one drew back a pace and the shorter one grabbed its arm in response. It looked as though they were turning to leave.
“Wait!” Alize began to run. She pulled her patch out of the pocket of her bomber jacket and held it up in the air. “Can you see it? I need your help!”
Sprint, the Leader of the Starling Hunters, had once said that finding a non-member with the patch meant that they knew where someone was in trouble.
“If you’re ever in trouble,” She’d said, “You rip off your patch and give it to the first person you find. That way we’ll always find each other.”
Now the taller android stopped dead in its tracks. Alize was panting. “You need to tell me where you got that patch.”
“I am not authorized to talk to you.” The taller android spoke. Though its appearance was rather boyish with its jacket and cuffed blue jeans, it had a peculiarly refined and feminine voice.
“Authorized? What do you mean I’m not authorized!” Alize turned to the smaller android, which was wearing a pink sweater. “Please. I’m looking for my friends. That’s their patch. Where did you find it?”
The smaller android lifted a robotic finger as if to speak, but the taller one cut it off. “She is not authorized to talk to you.”
“Okay, boxhead. Have it your way.” Alize snorted in her frustration. The taller android seemed to be taken aback again. It turned, one hand still clutching the smaller one’s, and ran out of sight.
Alize had to admit that this was odd behavior for an android. Though many did wear clothes to try and integrate with the humans and Mutants, few were quite so shy and fearful as these ones were. Were they even androids to begin with? Sometimes humans will wear helmets like that.
But they had to be androids. Alize saw their hands. They were artificial.
“Hey! Stop right there!” An angry voice rose up above the din of laughter and mindless chatter.
Soon a huge man in neon garb emerged from the corner of the crowded room, carrying both androids by their shirts with each hand. Their screens were still dark.
“You can run your little metal hearts out, but you won’t be leaving this room.” The man rumbled. “You’ve got a big bounty on your little idiot boxes. And it’s put there by The Starling himself.” He laughed. “Oh look...you’ve even got the Hunters’ patch. Since when did you become part of their little gang? Huh?”
The bigger android didn’t speak, but the shorter one raised her voice. “Let us go!” Her voice was similar to the other android’s, refined and feminine with a bit of static, but slightly higher in pitch.
The man laughed. “Well, if no one else will be claiming this bounty, I’ll be off!”
Dead silence, except for a few murmurs and whispers among the crowd.
“Oh come on. The Starling’s incredibly wealthy, you know. Whoever turns these suckers in would get a huge reward.”
That seemed to wake people back up. The room went wild.
“I’ll take you on!” A woman’s voice. “One on one!”
“Make that one on one on one!” A voice full of lighthearted laughter.
“Not if I get them first!” Someone slid across the floor and grabbed the smaller android by the ankle. Writhing under their grip, the android shot a powerful jet of fire out of its shoe and the person on the floor let out a deafening yell. The other android lifted its leg up to its captor’s face and did it again until both androids were loosened. More people began to crowd around the center of the room only to get sprayed with bright blue and violet flames.
How do these people not know about The Starling? He’s such a large part of my life...Alize allows her mind to drift a little as she inches closer and closer to the chaotic scene. She reaches for her side pocket with one hand and prepares to draw her weapon.
Everyone who enters the cantina has to be evaluated for weapons so no one gets shot up. Which is why Alize’s weapon was perfectly disguised as a handheld electronic device.
Interestingly enough, she had a mini flamethrower. The whole crowd had soon evacuated the building.
It was just her and the androids now. They rose into the air on their jet shoes, ready to annihilate her and make their escape.
“I’m not going to turn you in.” Alize threw her weapon to the side and then raised her hands to shield her face. “I just need you to talk to me. And don’t say you aren’t authorized because I was the one who saved your necks.”
They remained hovering in the air, blank screens focused on Alize’s round brown face.
“Look...I’m sorry about what happened. I just want your help.”
The pair were quiet for a moment, then the taller one spoke. “That depends on what is in it for us.”
“My grandmother is well off. I’m sure she’d pay you generously if she knew how much you helped me.” Alize was nearly begging.
“Money is of little importance to me.” The android said.
“Okay...I’ll do anything you want. Anything. I just...I promise you can trust me. Just tell me what you want.”
The androids turn their heads towards each other for a moment, as if sharing an artificial thought. Then they spoke in unison.
“Vengeance.”

This is really interesting! You had me there, until it switched to present tense. It’s fascinating.

 

[lilmillefleur]

This is really interesting! You had me there, until it switched to present tense. It’s fascinating.

I think I was confused with the tenses in this one since I started writing it in past tense but kept getting mixed up since ‘Soul of Tempest’ is in present tense.
Which do you prefer? I kind of wish I committed to present tense again this time

 

[Amer]

I think I was confused with the tenses in this one since I started writing it in past tense but kept getting mixed up since ‘Soul of Tempest’ is in present tense.
Which do you prefer? I kind of wish I committed to present tense again this time

Past tense. When I said first person I meant present tense in my first comment but my brain was only halfway there.

 

[Amer]

Spoiler: State fair open show

the only context I’ll provide is that Chantecler is my brothers and that strange mixed rooster is supposed to be a “Columbian Leghorn.” And the Muscovy is chocolate but I thought it was interesting that there were some black/green feathers mixed in.

 

[Amer]

And @RoosterWhisperer at the raptor show, they had a Peregrine falcon.

Otto or Ollie or something. I couldn’t figure out where else to post this.

 

[RoosterWhisperer]

And @RoosterWhisperer at the raptor show, they had a Peregrine falcon. View attachment 2798025Otto or Ollie or something. I couldn’t figure out where else to post this.

That's cool, thank you! You can post things on my profile if you wan't, I don't like to be in random ramblings.

 

[Amer]

This malamute, this girl doing gymkhana (@Butterscotchbitesfinger look) and this Cochin with creepy vertical pupils (coloboma? Occular Mareks?

 

[Butterscotchbitesfinger]

This malamute, this girl doing gymkhana (@Butterscotchbitesfinger look) and this Cochin with creepy vertical pupils (coloboma? Occular Mareks?View attachment 2799582View attachment 2799586View attachment 2799585

Wow the USA is so different to here. Our gymkhanas are all (or mostly) in English saddles. I can’t say I have ever really ridden in a stock saddle. It’s so foreign to me lol