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Tons of Hilarious jokes!

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by chickenbarn-gal, Sep 7, 2010.

  1. chickenbarn-gal

    chickenbarn-gal Chillin' With My Peeps

    Jun 6, 2010
    Michigan
    One day a man and his wife were driving to work, they had just gotten over a fight. As they drove by they saw goats, cows, and pigs, the man said to his wife sarcastically, “relatives of yours?” then his wife answered in a proud tone, “Yup, in-laws.”

    -----------------

    The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

    His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

    "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking!"
    -------------------------

    I regularly do my exercises first thing in the morning.

    Immediately after waking, I sternly say to myself, "Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down."

    And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, “Okay, now try the other eyelid."
    -------------------------

    A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.

    As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"

    The mom asked, "What is it"?

    "I think it's Adams underwear!", replied the boy.
    -------------------------------

    A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

    Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

    "I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

    At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

    "You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"

    --------------------------------------------------
    After losing another tooth, young-old Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.

    Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

    Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”

    Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.

    But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”
    ------------------------------------------------

    A man was part of a national wildlife preserve before he died. He loved to clean up areas for all kinds of animals, and thought he had done a lot of good in the world. So when he died, he expected to go to heaven.

    He was very surprised when the angel, who told people whether they were going to heaven or hell, said, "I'm sorry, but you were sent to hell."

    "Are you quite sure you haven't made mistake?" the young man asked.

    "We never make mistakes and never have." The angel replied.

    So the young man thought, well, okay, and went with the devil to hell.

    When the young man got there, he thought, "What a mess! I am NOT going to be living in such a pigsty." so he started to clean the place up.

    A few weeks later, the angel came down to hell to tell the young man that they indeed had made a mistake and he was supposed to go to heaven.

    "Woah, you can't just take him! He's mine now and this place looks great!" Said the devil.

    "Oh, well then we'll just sue you!" The angel said back.

    "And do you plan to do that?" taunted the devil. "We've got all the lawyers."

    --------------------------
    Fitting Glasses
    The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.

    "After you have fitted the customer’s glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, ’$100.’ Then see if he winces.

    "If the customer doesn’t wince you say, ’For the frames. The lenses will be another $50.’

    "If he still doesn’t wince you say firmly, ’Each.’"
    --------------------------------------

    A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

    The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

    One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

    Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

    There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

    ----------------------------------

    at the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

    With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"

    Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

    "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

    "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

    "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

    "No way. It's just too risky!"

    "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"

    "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

    "Oh yes you can. Please?"

    "NO, no. I just can't."

    "Pleeeeease?..."

    Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
    --------------------------------------

    so far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.

    But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

    Thank you.

    Amen
    --------------------------------

    pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I have a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

    "Great. Where do you live?"

    "Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." "Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

    Pete Answered, "Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
     
  2. Gabi

    Gabi New Egg

    6
    0
    7
    Sep 7, 2010
    Good stuff [​IMG]
     
  3. duckluv

    duckluv Overrun With Chickens

    Aug 20, 2010
    Ohio
    [​IMG]
     

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