Tools and their uses

Discussion in 'Games, Jokes, and Fun!' started by allen wranch, Apr 6, 2008.

  1. allen wranch

    allen wranch Overrun With Chickens Premium Member

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    Jan 11, 2007
    San Marcos, TX
    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh darn!"

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
  2. ilovemychickies

    ilovemychickies Chillin' With My Peeps

    [​IMG]
     
  3. JANDRFIRE

    JANDRFIRE Out Of The Brooder

    I seriously think that coffee just came out of my nose. that was great. and true. lmao [​IMG]
     
  4. Lunachick

    Lunachick Chicken Slave

    Mar 19, 2007
    Brick, NJ
    [​IMG] I've done the pry bar, and hose cutter! [​IMG]
     
  5. amystours

    amystours Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Feb 23, 2008
    Alexandria, Louisiana
    Love it, love it!!! That's just about the most accurate description of tools I've ever heard in my life!!! (And I'm a hobbyist [is that a word???] mechanic!)
     
  6. MRNpoultry

    MRNpoultry Chillin' With My Peeps

    Mar 2, 2008
    Gibsonville, NC
    [​IMG]

    Did you come up with them? They are good, do you mind if I copy this and email it to my friend?
     
  7. TheOLDNewChick

    TheOLDNewChick I'm an original

    Jun 12, 2007
    Tioga, Louisiana
    Dude, it'd be a whole lot funnier if it wasn't so freakin' TRUE!
     
  8. allen wranch

    allen wranch Overrun With Chickens Premium Member

    3,609
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    Jan 11, 2007
    San Marcos, TX
    Feel free to pass it on. It came to me in an email from a friend.

    My favorite is :
    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short

    .​
     
  9. MRNpoultry

    MRNpoultry Chillin' With My Peeps

    Mar 2, 2008
    Gibsonville, NC
    Thanks
     
  10. dakinsmimi

    dakinsmimi Chillin' With My Peeps

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    Jun 16, 2007
    Mississippi
    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] I thought my hubby and I were the only ones who used tools in the manner you described. All of our projects are done by "Lucy and Ethel" or "Laurel and Hardy".
     

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