Trails of Emira!

[Symphony]

OK, still writing.

 

[horsecrazychicklovingkid]

*waits*

 

[Symphony]

Chapter 3!


I finally awoke, it was a horrid dream I had. I walked up to Fiona and asked her how she was, she said:
“I’m tired, but I’ll make it.”
“I’m glad, my wound feels so much better, I don’t think it will bother me anymore.”
“That’s a good sign, you would not want to fall in the middle of battle, due to infection.”
“I’ll go check on the others.”
I came up to Dixon, I was glad my dream wasn’t true. Dixon declared it was time to move. Thaqaf was complaining: “We should speed this up! I’m very hungry!” I ignored him, but Dixon, being another stallion, turned and said: “You have to stop whining, if you want to eat something, then turn around, until you can finally catch your tail.”
Thaqaf was about to say something, but he didn’t, he just backed off behind Afra.

The forest became very dense, it was hard to walk through as we followed the deer trail. Then rays of light, started peaking through, the forest became lighter. The air wasn’t as thick. We walked through a patch of grass, then at the edge of the forest where many thorny vines. I tried to press them down with my foot, but they scratched my leg. Dixon said we should jump it, yet that was impossible for the tree’s branches were low. We decided to walk in the forest as close to the edge as possible. It was hard to get through due to the trees having many low branches. We finally found an area we could go through, and I took a deep breath. We started trotting into the large field, Domenica stopped and said: “We should eat while we can, this field looks very delicious.”
I agreed, and we all took our spots. Suddenly, Elma yelled out: “I found a clean pond of water! Let’s get a sip.”

Elma, was a strange character, she always suggested we get plenty of sleep, food and water. She started drinking, before we got there, once Dixon reached the pond, he sniffed it and snorted, then yelled: “Elma! No!” She turned and said: “What? I didn’t drink all of it.” She started to drift, saying: “I’m tired, lets rest.” She fell over. I quickly ran to her, trying to awaken her, but she was dead. Tears rolled down Imelda’s eyes, for Elma and Imelda were sisters. Dixon said. “The water is poisoned, yet I don’t see how the enemy knew we were coming.” Then turning toward Thaqaf and Afra, he said: “Unless of course, something else happened.”
I walked up to Fiona, and asked her: “Did they slip away last night?” She replied: “I don’t know, unless they cut the string that I tied to their tails and my ankle.” Dixon was interrogating them, Dixon started threatening him, but stopped. He was looking in the woods, he stepped back, and Afra jumped to Dixon’s side, also looking into the woods. I slowly walked over, curious of what was going on, then I started sensing something strange, and I saw what they were looking at. Thaqaf didn’t understand what we were doing, as we slowly backed up. Afra said, “Get over here you idiot! Or you'll get killed, were all waiting for you!” Then Thaqaf let out a very high pitched scream, and he crumbled to the ground, he looked back and saw that a lion had his back left leg. Dixon went to attack the lion, but I yelled out at him saying “No!”
But Afra, being Thaqaf’s sister, pounded on the lion’s back with her front legs, trying to make him let go. I felt like an idiot just watching all this happen, so I jumped in to help. I reached under and grabbed the lion’s throat with my teeth, and bit down as hard and as long as I could. I didn’t think there would be more lions, but there where, it must have been one of those packs of male lions that kill for fun. All of the sudden I felt cold teeth on my wound, out of all the places on my body, he chose where I was already injured. I finally killed the lion I had in my teeth, Dixon quickly got the other lion off of me. Thaqaf had already run like a chicken from a hawk. Once all of us had gotten free, we darted to where the others were. They had found a so-called 'safe' place to hide, at least, we thought it was safe. Suddenly, another lion leaped onto Vanda's back, digging his claws into her side. We're surrounded! I thought in panic. Luckily, there weren't as many as I thought, just a wise and sneaky few. It was easy to help Vanda, but then the others appeared. At first, there had been five lions. Only three of the deadly creatures remained. Fearful of our lives, we bolted after Thaqaf. Fiona caught up to me, and Vanda was lagging behind, with blood dripping down her side. I slowed down and went by her side, incase a lion were to attack.

We finally caught up to Thaqaf, then we all stopped and turned around. We didn’t see the lions, so we figured they were gone, yet Dixon said we should move at a fairly fast pace. Vanda replied: “I don’t know if I can, I feel so weak.” I said: “Ok, you me and Thaqaf should go ahead now, while the rest guard behind us, they will start later and catch up to us by dawn.”
We went along, as we were the injured ones, I made sure Thaqaf stayed behind us, so if something would attack, it would get him first, maybe he would learn something. Each jump or side step hurt because of the wound on my side, and Vanda kept getting weaker. It was starting to get dark, I could see small horse silhouettes behind us. My side was burning, and Thaqaf was limping very badly, Vanda acted like she was doing better, as she was leading us. She took us up a hill and sat down at the top. I stayed standing so the others would be able to see us.
They finally came, Fiona came up to me and said: “We saw no lions, so I hope they found a goitered gazelle to eat or something.”
“Yes, that would be good if their not on our trail, now we should rest and start again tomorrow.”

 

[Symphony]

People stopped reading?

 

[horsecrazychicklovingkid]

Whew! So glad that other part as just a dream!

No, this time of day, most people aren't on. School or jobs mostly. You'l have more readers by tonight.

 

[horsecrazychicklovingkid]

That was good, lot's of plot, I like the plot, but it was mostly just the plot. A good plot needs good detail, and this was lacking on detail. Also, remember to correct run-on and stringy sentences. Another thing, when writing, it's good to refrain from using numbers. For example:

Once we got free we all darted to where the others were, in a so-called safe place. We thought it was safe, until another lion jumped on Vanda’s back, I felt like we were totally surrounded, but there weren’t as many as we thought, they where just wise and sneaky. It was easy to help Vanda, but then the other lions came out, there where only three lions now, as before there where five. We all darted in the same direction as Thaqaf had gone when the lion had jumped on Vanda’s back.

vs.

Once all of us had gotten free, we darted to where the others were. They had found a so-called 'safe' place to hide, at least, we thought it was safe. Suddenly, another lion leaped onto Vanda's back, digging his claws into her side. We're surrounded! I thought in panic. Luckily, there weren't as many as I thought, just a wise and sneaky few. It was easy to help Vanda, but then the others appeared. At first, there had been five lions. Only three of the deadly creatures remained. Fearful of our lives, we bolted after Thaqaf.

 

[Symphony]

Quote:

I was in a hurry, and haven't had much practice,

 

[Symphony]

Quote:
I changed it, hope you don't mind,

I would have written pretty sentences if I wasn't so tired,

 

[horsecrazychicklovingkid]

Quote:

I was in a hurry, and haven't had much practice,

That's why I'm helping you! Just between you and me, I've seen a lot worse.

 

[horsecrazychicklovingkid]

Quote:
I changed it, hope you don't mind,

I would have written pretty sentences if I wasn't so tired,

Not at all! I know the feeling.