Even if you liked the movie you'll still think this is funny. Found this in a magazine a month or so ago.
I was in the middle of a book store and I was trying so hard not to die from really loud laughter, I was practically sufficating myself while I read it. LOL enjoy.
*Warning: Spoilers*
TWILIGHT: the abridged Script
FADE IN:
KRISTEN STEWART moves to FORKS, WASHINGTON and is INSTANTLY POPULAR at her new school.
ANNA KENDRICK: Oh my God, I love your hair. Will you be my new best friend?
GREGORY TYREE BOYCE: Can I take you out sometime since youre so awesome?
KRISTEN STEWART: I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular girls daydreams get published into a bestselling book?
Suddenly, ROBERT PATTINSON enters. His paleness reaches blinding levels while the squeals in the movie theatre reach deafening levels.
KRISTEN STEWART: Whos the albino Wolverine?
ANNA KENDRICK: Thats Robert. Hes acknowledged as the hottest boy in the whole school but he doesnt date anyone ever because no girl is good enough for him.
KRISTEN STEWART: No girl is considered good enough for him, eh? Lets see if thats still the case in 10 minutes time!
KRISTEN STEWART: Hey, your eyes are changing colour from gorgeous to ultragorgeous. Whats going on?
ROBERT PATTINSON: I totally love you. But you should know, Im a vampire. And not a bada$$ vampire, but an emo bi*** vampire.
KRISTEN STEWART: The only way Ill believe you is if you carry me up a mountain using 70s special effects.
He DOES.
KRISTEN STEWART: You are a vampire! How old are you?
ROBERT PATTINSON: Over a hundred, but Ive spent most of that time working on my hair.
They GAZE into each others eyes forever. Eventually, KRISTEN goes to meet ROBERTS FAMILY.
INT. GLASS MANSION
KRISTEN meets ROBERTS VAMPIRE FAMILY.
PETER FACINELLI: Welcome! Dont let my effeminate appearance mislead you. There must be something special about you for Robert to risk the lives of his family. Tell us about yourself.
KRISTEN STEWART: Me? Oh, no. Im just a hollow placeholder for the teenage girls in the audience. What do you guys do for fun?
PETER FACINELLI: Vampire baseball. Want to watch?
KRISTEN STEWART: Actually the very last thing on earth any sane person would want to watch is vampire baseball, but go ahead.
They play vampire baseball, which is as stupid as its sounds. The game attracts some EVIL VAMPIRES. They ATTACK KRISTEN, but ROBERT and his FAMILY save her.
INT. HOSPITAL
KRISTEN is with ROBERT.
ROBERT PATTINSON: I think we should break up. To keep you safe.
KRISTEN STEWART: From vampires?
ROBERT PATTINSON: no, from being typecast forever.
KRISTEN STEWART: No, I want you to make me a vampire.
ROBERT PATTINSON: So, the next generation of young women is flocking to see a female lead in a movie by a female director from a book by a female author and in this movie the main character wants to become submissive for a male.
KRISTEN STEWART: I love you. Put a baby in me.
ROBERT PATTINSON: At least the next three movies cant possibly be more misogynistic.
They WILL BE.
END