I found this on another forum and thought it was hilarious. With the cochin thing, it is so true, bantam cochins look nothing like large cochins, the bodies are so different, it would be like saying that Rhode Island whites are the same as white wyandottes. Anyway, have fun reading this, it made me laugh.
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America :
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector) will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: "No representation without taxation".
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.
God save the Queen.
You will no longer refer to the Pekin Bantam as a miniature Cochin. The body types are different, despite what your standards say, and the two are not the same breed. We discovered them and introduced them to the outside world. We know where they came from, and their original history. Stop misconstruing things.
Your Pekin ducks have changed from ours, despite originating from the same place. We already had the Aylesbury as a perfectly good commercial breed, so the Pekins here went right into exhibition, while at the same time contributing to the creation of a commercial hybrid. You Yanks stressed the commercial aspects first, only later realizing the exhibition qualities, drawing your birds from the commercial strains which you developed. The result was that you lost much of the proper color, which we kept, despite taking the type in a very different direction. You're not right, but we're not wrong, and we still have better color. And it's "Pekin", not "Peking", you morons. You really do have a lot of issues with that word, don't you?
There is no such thing as an Ancona duck. You claim that it developed from the same stock as our Magpie, but we've never heard of it, not one of us. Ancona is a mottled breed of chicken, from Italy. Neither fact has the slightest relation to the pinto duck which you've given the same name. Change the name to the American Holstein duck, and place it's origin in 1980's America.
You had the first poultry show in the modern world, but we had the first standard. We copied many of your original diagrams, which are old, but still good enough to be relevant today. Remember, that's flattery. We had the better idea of photographing examples of winning birds of the day, for our modern standard, even if some of the examples are not in good feather, or are the best that was available at the time, but still not competetive. We overcame the petty bickering that you couldn't, as to who's bird would be considered "the one" to represent the breed. All in all, we'll conceed that we're about even with our respective standards, each having strengths that the other does not. We do have a general overall more knowledegable attitude towards poultry, and a much higher per capita level of interest. You Yanks hear a rooster crow, and it's the end of the the world.
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America :
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Colony, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you European cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -- roughly $10 per US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby -- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An official from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue (i.e. tax collector) will be with you shortly to ensure the collection of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Until these are paid, there will be no representative government in the USA , in line with the policy: "No representation without taxation".
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups and saucers (never mugs), and with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
18. Some tea has gone missing -- and we expect it back. We'll be searching Boston first.
God save the Queen.
You will no longer refer to the Pekin Bantam as a miniature Cochin. The body types are different, despite what your standards say, and the two are not the same breed. We discovered them and introduced them to the outside world. We know where they came from, and their original history. Stop misconstruing things.
Your Pekin ducks have changed from ours, despite originating from the same place. We already had the Aylesbury as a perfectly good commercial breed, so the Pekins here went right into exhibition, while at the same time contributing to the creation of a commercial hybrid. You Yanks stressed the commercial aspects first, only later realizing the exhibition qualities, drawing your birds from the commercial strains which you developed. The result was that you lost much of the proper color, which we kept, despite taking the type in a very different direction. You're not right, but we're not wrong, and we still have better color. And it's "Pekin", not "Peking", you morons. You really do have a lot of issues with that word, don't you?
There is no such thing as an Ancona duck. You claim that it developed from the same stock as our Magpie, but we've never heard of it, not one of us. Ancona is a mottled breed of chicken, from Italy. Neither fact has the slightest relation to the pinto duck which you've given the same name. Change the name to the American Holstein duck, and place it's origin in 1980's America.
You had the first poultry show in the modern world, but we had the first standard. We copied many of your original diagrams, which are old, but still good enough to be relevant today. Remember, that's flattery. We had the better idea of photographing examples of winning birds of the day, for our modern standard, even if some of the examples are not in good feather, or are the best that was available at the time, but still not competetive. We overcame the petty bickering that you couldn't, as to who's bird would be considered "the one" to represent the breed. All in all, we'll conceed that we're about even with our respective standards, each having strengths that the other does not. We do have a general overall more knowledegable attitude towards poultry, and a much higher per capita level of interest. You Yanks hear a rooster crow, and it's the end of the the world.
