Update on stepchild...Need advice on wedding now Please !

[unionwirewoman]

Thanks to all the great advice all of you posted on this topic , things are finally looking up ! I recently talked with "A"s mom for 45 minutes and between the 3 of us came up with a game plan ! Both houses have the same set of rules and consequences , and we are able to communicate together finally ! Although I know it will be VERY hard to coordinate at times, I'm glad that both parents are finally willing to realize that there is a problem and to do something about it . "A" isn't very happy about it , but the last couple of weeks has come to realize that she can't play us against each other . Hopefully with time, love and diligence we can steer her in the right direction !

On another note , I have a problem of a different nature that hopefully you guys can give me your wisdom on . My parents divorced when I was 16 and I only heard from my dad twice a year , I called and left him messages every week for 4 years and all I got from it was a short conversation twice a year . He moved up here 3 years ago and I thought things would be different . He started his own business and I helped him every chance I had . After I switched jobs I only heard from him 1 a month , and now that he has a girlfriend I haven't heard from him since my sisters b-day in August . I tried calling him to begin with and left messages which he never returned . He has known about the wedding all this time , and now it's down to the wire . I can't get a hold of him now even if I wanted to because he is switching cell phone companies the last I heard from my gandma . My dilemma is , I don't plan on inviting him to the wedding which is in less than 5 months . I feel that if he wanted anything to do with my life he would keep in contact with me , especially knowing I'm getting married . Why would I want anyone walking me down the aisle when they don't even know what's going on ! Am I wrong in my decision ? I've talked with family and friends and all agree with me . Just thought I'd bring in some fresh ears that aren't tied in to my situation to give me some advice . Sorry it's so long !

 

[hcammack]

I don't think I would invite him I can't imagine what that is like though because my parents are still together.

congrats on getting married,
Good Luck
Henry

 

[BantyChickMom]

Considering the way things have been between ya'll, if it were me, I wouldn't make any more effort to contact him and I wouldn't invite him to the wedding.

 

[Reinbeau]

You shouldn't feel a bit of guilt about not inviting him. I don't want to insult your father, but this kind of behavior really makes my blood boil. Enjoy your wedding and life and realize he's the one that's missing out.

 

[luvzmybabz]

This situation or similiar happpened while I was planning my wedding. Bio dad passed away years ago, mother and step-father work a job where they are gone about 6 months of the year. I did not set a date for my wedding until my mother and Step-father were out of town. My mother expected me to ask step-father to give me away, that is what everyone told me and I was not going to have it. my mother tries to make everything about her and her hurt feelings. She even picked a fight over a song played at my daugther's funeral. Well I waited my oldest son gave me away, I feel no guilt the most important thing to remember it that your wedding day is about YOU. If you would feel out of sorts in cause he showed up DO NOT INVITE him. If anyone (family) asks explain they should have at least a gist of the fact that he has not been the best father and should realize that your wedding day should be perfect for YOU!! Heck I even went as far to ask the sister that is a functional drunk not to showup if she had been hitting the bottle.

 

[MissPrissy]

If he couldn't be present in your life he has no reason to be present at your wedding. I would not invite him.

 

[hsm5grls]

This is your wedding and you get to decide who goes. I really believe that the person who has had the greatest positive impact on your life (be they male or female) is who should walk you down the Ilse. Traditions can be wonderful, but they don't always fit in to our lives. My father did not attend my wedding and my FIL walked me down the isle. Our wedding was beautiful and that is what is important. It's your day make it how you want it.

 

[OHChick]

hey there... i had a similar situation. my folks divorced when i was 5 and by the time i was 7 my dad had moved across the country. i went to see him for a few weeks each summer but never heard from him in between visits and by the time i was in high school he was married again (to his 4th wife) and they we having kids and he was completely disinterested in me. when i got married i struggled with who to ask to walk me down the aisle and finally decided on my stepdad since he had been around since i was 6 and he was the one who always made sure i had money in my wallet, gas in the tank, food in my belly, etc. Stepdad is who taught me how to ride a bike, patched me up when I fell off, and well you get the idea. So I settled upon him.

Then the day before my wedding came, my Dad was due to be in from Texas and I called the hotel probably 10 times only to hear that he hadn't checked in yet. I never heard from him that day, then the day of my wedding, a few hours beforehand, evidently he had called my Mom (rather than my apartment) and had her tell me that he was not coming. He didn't even have the guts to face me himself. Needless to say that cemented, in my mind, that my decision to not have him walk me down the aisle was 100% correct.

Here we are 11 years later and my dad and I really have little to no relationship. I tried for years (just like you have) and he is who made the choice not to be part of my life. Once I let go of the thoughts that I had done something wrong, it really became a lot easier. I just accepted that he is selfish and always will be and its easier on me to stay away.

I'm so sorry you have to go thru this, but I truly do understand. All the best to you with your upcoming wedding.

 

[nccountrygirl]

I feel like every one else, if he never felt the need to be in your life, I would not invite him to your wedding.


Edited to add: I would find someone who you respected to walk you down the isle.

 

[SpottedCrow]

I agree with everyone else!
You've made all the effort and he knows where you are and he hasn't made any contact...
Enjoy your special day.