- Dec 22, 2010
- 86
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Waiting to Exhale ~ A Short Story
By Ada
It was foggy, and the rain was coming down hard. She could barely make out the outline
of the trees that lined the road her family was driving on. She leaned forward, trying to see
out of the front car window. Then everything turned upside-down. A huge splash, lights,
jolting, a crash. Darkness.
Alicia DeCostella woke up in a cold sweat. She stared at the room around her, trying to
remember where she was, and how she got there. Pain. She looked down at her wrist,
which was bandaged neatly. Then it all came back to her, everything about the accident
that happened only hours before, calling her Aunt, the ride home, her family still at the hospital.
Alicia got up and wandered out to the kitchen to get a drink of water. She sat down at the table
and tried to sort through her thoughts, but could only think of the jumbled moments of and after
the accident
Alicia, her brother, and her parents were driving home after attending a friend's birthday
cook-out. It was storming, the rain was coming down in sheets, and the fog was thick.
Suddenly, there was a huge splash as they drove over a dip in the road that had filled
with rainwater. They saw faint headlights coming straight towards them, and their Dad
swerved to avoid a collision Maybe instead of 'a collision', 'the collision' I think it reads smoother, merely seconds too late.
Alicia couldnt remember much of what happened in the time between just after the
accident and going to the hospital. She remembered them saying something about a
severe head injury but who were they talking about? No one would let her see the
car before they left the accident scene. But as they 'They' is a bit to vauge, maybe write 'the ambulance' instead? pulled out to head to the hospital,
she caught a glimpse of it. The front and left side Of the car?, instead of 'it' was completely demolished.
At the hospital, they told her she had fractured her wrist, and had suffered a minor
concussion. Other than that, she was fine and could go home. I think you should take out this period, make it a comma, and take out the 'and' And the rest of her
family? The doctors would tell her nothing. She was to call the closest family member to
take her home.
The rest was a blur. Her Aunt Corrine came to pick her up, and this 'and' might need removal as well before they left, Corrine
had a brief conversation with the Doctor. Alicia could only pick up bits and pieces:
" be okay?" "We think he suffered head..." " What...telling Alicia?" " no sense worrying.
Her concussion don't tell her."
Alicia did not bother asking her Aunt about the conversation. this period changed to a comma? She knew she would be told
nothing. But what was it they weren't telling her about her family? They were her family,
she had a right to know!
Anything that is my suggestion is in purple text
I am trying to be helpful, I am so sorry if anything I said hurts your feelings.
I really like how this story starts, and want to encourge you to keep up the good work!
I really don't care if you take any of these suggestions, I just wanted to try and help you out a bit.
By Ada
It was foggy, and the rain was coming down hard. She could barely make out the outline
of the trees that lined the road her family was driving on. She leaned forward, trying to see
out of the front car window. Then everything turned upside-down. A huge splash, lights,
jolting, a crash. Darkness.
Alicia DeCostella woke up in a cold sweat. She stared at the room around her, trying to
remember where she was, and how she got there. Pain. She looked down at her wrist,
which was bandaged neatly. Then it all came back to her, everything about the accident
that happened only hours before, calling her Aunt, the ride home, her family still at the hospital.
Alicia got up and wandered out to the kitchen to get a drink of water. She sat down at the table
and tried to sort through her thoughts, but could only think of the jumbled moments of and after
the accident
Alicia, her brother, and her parents were driving home after attending a friend's birthday
cook-out. It was storming, the rain was coming down in sheets, and the fog was thick.
Suddenly, there was a huge splash as they drove over a dip in the road that had filled
with rainwater. They saw faint headlights coming straight towards them, and their Dad
swerved to avoid a collision Maybe instead of 'a collision', 'the collision' I think it reads smoother, merely seconds too late.
Alicia couldnt remember much of what happened in the time between just after the
accident and going to the hospital. She remembered them saying something about a
severe head injury but who were they talking about? No one would let her see the
car before they left the accident scene. But as they 'They' is a bit to vauge, maybe write 'the ambulance' instead? pulled out to head to the hospital,
she caught a glimpse of it. The front and left side Of the car?, instead of 'it' was completely demolished.
At the hospital, they told her she had fractured her wrist, and had suffered a minor
concussion. Other than that, she was fine and could go home. I think you should take out this period, make it a comma, and take out the 'and' And the rest of her
family? The doctors would tell her nothing. She was to call the closest family member to
take her home.
The rest was a blur. Her Aunt Corrine came to pick her up, and this 'and' might need removal as well before they left, Corrine
had a brief conversation with the Doctor. Alicia could only pick up bits and pieces:
" be okay?" "We think he suffered head..." " What...telling Alicia?" " no sense worrying.
Her concussion don't tell her."
Alicia did not bother asking her Aunt about the conversation. this period changed to a comma? She knew she would be told
nothing. But what was it they weren't telling her about her family? They were her family,
she had a right to know!
Anything that is my suggestion is in purple text
I am trying to be helpful, I am so sorry if anything I said hurts your feelings.
I really like how this story starts, and want to encourge you to keep up the good work!
I really don't care if you take any of these suggestions, I just wanted to try and help you out a bit.
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