Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, I suggest you take this set of simple tests...
This isn't the same battery of test's you have read before. More test's have been added.
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toss toilet tissue on floor around toilet and behind it as well. Pour Kool-aid into your VCR and insert your wedding video. Watch till it freezes.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage
HOUSE OF GLASS TEST Same as Grocery Store Test except you use Oxen. Same principals apply.
TOY TEST Get a big drum of leggo's or small matchbox cars. Scatter them over the floors. Try to make your way from the kitchen to bathroom, blindfolded. If you stand on any, don't scream. (This will wake the baby)
DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. For added bonus try to put shoes on two of the octopus's tentacles and make it stay.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios or Frosted Flakes) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water and vinegar. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 2 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 60% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the food store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
NOISE TEST Purchase a self-looping tape (tape repeats itself) for your tape recorder. Go to a day care and yell loudly "Santa's Dead!!!!". Record the wails and screams. Playback at full blast. (****Extra Credit**** put your tape in a Teddy Ruxpin doll. Let it play the whole time and not kick it.)
SLEEP OVER TEST (BOTH) Borrow every child that your friends have and let them sleep over and party at your home for the weekend. Tell your friends they need some time off without children. Be prepared with 911 on speed dial. Also set VCR to record local news as you are shown going on a violent rampage with a rubber mallet. If you are truly fortunate you can be on an episode of COPS.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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If you have tried these may I suggest another alternative. I've always heard that the most effective contraceptive device available is an hour at a Chuck-ee Cheese's......
This isn't the same battery of test's you have read before. More test's have been added.
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toss toilet tissue on floor around toilet and behind it as well. Pour Kool-aid into your VCR and insert your wedding video. Watch till it freezes.
GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage
HOUSE OF GLASS TEST Same as Grocery Store Test except you use Oxen. Same principals apply.
TOY TEST Get a big drum of leggo's or small matchbox cars. Scatter them over the floors. Try to make your way from the kitchen to bathroom, blindfolded. If you stand on any, don't scream. (This will wake the baby)
DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. For added bonus try to put shoes on two of the octopus's tentacles and make it stay.
FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios or Frosted Flakes) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water and vinegar. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 2 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 60% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the food store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
NOISE TEST Purchase a self-looping tape (tape repeats itself) for your tape recorder. Go to a day care and yell loudly "Santa's Dead!!!!". Record the wails and screams. Playback at full blast. (****Extra Credit**** put your tape in a Teddy Ruxpin doll. Let it play the whole time and not kick it.)
SLEEP OVER TEST (BOTH) Borrow every child that your friends have and let them sleep over and party at your home for the weekend. Tell your friends they need some time off without children. Be prepared with 911 on speed dial. Also set VCR to record local news as you are shown going on a violent rampage with a rubber mallet. If you are truly fortunate you can be on an episode of COPS.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
=====================================
If you have tried these may I suggest another alternative. I've always heard that the most effective contraceptive device available is an hour at a Chuck-ee Cheese's......
