Want to have children? Take these test's first!

Discussion in 'Random Ramblings' started by Adora, Dec 16, 2010.

  1. Adora

    Adora Chirping

    Aug 27, 2010
    Southeast NC
    Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, I suggest you take this set of simple tests...

    This isn't the same battery of test's you have read before. More test's have been added.

    MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toss toilet tissue on floor around toilet and behind it as well. Pour Kool-aid into your VCR and insert your wedding video. Watch till it freezes.

    GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage

    HOUSE OF GLASS TEST Same as Grocery Store Test except you use Oxen. Same principals apply.

    TOY TEST Get a big drum of leggo's or small matchbox cars. Scatter them over the floors. Try to make your way from the kitchen to bathroom, blindfolded. If you stand on any, don't scream. (This will wake the baby)

    DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. For added bonus try to put shoes on two of the octopus's tentacles and make it stay.

    FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios or Frosted Flakes) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

    NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water and vinegar. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 2 years. Look cheerful.

    PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN) Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 60% of the beans.

    PHYSICAL TEST (MEN) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the food store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

    NOISE TEST Purchase a self-looping tape (tape repeats itself) for your tape recorder. Go to a day care and yell loudly "Santa's Dead!!!!". Record the wails and screams. Playback at full blast. (****Extra Credit**** put your tape in a Teddy Ruxpin doll. Let it play the whole time and not kick it.)

    SLEEP OVER TEST (BOTH) Borrow every child that your friends have and let them sleep over and party at your home for the weekend. Tell your friends they need some time off without children. Be prepared with 911 on speed dial. Also set VCR to record local news as you are shown going on a violent rampage with a rubber mallet. If you are truly fortunate you can be on an episode of COPS.

    FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.


    If you have tried these may I suggest another alternative. I've always heard that the most effective contraceptive device available is an hour at a Chuck-ee Cheese's......

  2. eenie114

    eenie114 Completly Hopeless

  3. Delta2 23

    Delta2 23 Flock Master

    Sep 4, 2008
    That is HILARIOUS!!! You had me on the table laughing.

    Now don't get me wrong - I'm not looking into children YET - but i read those for a laugh and yes, very funny! [​IMG] [​IMG]
  4. Mahonri

    Mahonri Urban Desert Chicken Enthusiast Premium Member

    May 14, 2008
    North Phoenix
    My Coop
    Wish I would have taken that test 24 years ago.

  5. mississippifarmboy

    mississippifarmboy collects slightly damaged strays

    Quote:oh yeah, not that far off is it? [​IMG]
  6. bakerjw

    bakerjw Songster

    Apr 14, 2010
    Johnson City, Tn
    I've heard it explained that having a 2 year old is like having a talking dog.
    A lot of truth to it.
  7. I have WHAT in my yard?

    I have WHAT in my yard? Songster

    Jun 24, 2008
    Eggberg, PA
    I truly believe we should ALL have to do this test. I would never have passed and there would be two fewer children in the world!! [​IMG]

  8. The Lisser

    The Lisser Songster

    [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
  9. gritsar

    gritsar Cows, Chooks & Impys - OH MY!

    Nov 9, 2007
    SW Arkansas
    BTDT! Passed the test, but I would much rather have been on "Cops". [​IMG]

  10. Mrs. Turbo

    Mrs. Turbo Songster

    Jan 26, 2009
    you would think I learned after having the first 2......now I am on #5.

    Also imagine being at a cookout and not knowing a lot of the people there and your daughter (just potty trained) comes up to you tugging on your pant leg that she has to use the bathroom. You tell her just a minute and next thing you know she dropped her pants and took a dump in the middle of the yard. [​IMG]
    Yup..... glad I was in the house with the girls and my hubby was on kid duty.

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