Well hell

[CoyoteMagic]

Nope didn't read you wrong. I don't think you should tell him that. At least not yet. Boy is screwed up already. He's gonna think my Dad did bad he had to go away. I do bad, I'll have to go away.

Just my opinion.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
I can see what you are saying. I need an answer. I respect your opinion too, by the way.

 

[Souperchicken]

Just my opinion, but if he's only 3 there isn't too much to explain. If he asks "where is Daddy?" I would just say "He's not here right now". At his age, he probably won't ask anything past that...I could be wrong. That's all I would say until he asks "why?" He will probably be a little older when he asks "why" and when he does I would just state the facts. "He's in jail, for breaking the law" and go from there if he has anymore questions.
Those are hard questions....good luck!

 

[debilorrah]

Thanks Souper!! I was so baffled by the question my brain could not engage. I have several really good answers now!! THANKS!!!

 

[justbugged]

Tell him the truth as simply as you can. I can still remember telling my older daughter that her sister was going to die. It hurts but it is better in the long run. (Older daughter was 2 at the time. Sister died the day after DD turned three. She understood what was going on better than I think I did.)The child then learns that you will never lie to him about the big things in life. At three he knows more than anyone gives him credit for. Children are very smart, and are always listening to what adults are saying. They are also learning about everything at this age. Often your discomfort about the question is way out of proportion with what the child really wants to know. Keep the answer as simple as you can.

 

[wolftracks]

I wasn't gonna but I am cause I love ya Deb


We've basically had my grand daughter since she was 10 minths old. She'll be 5 on New Years Eve.

Before Bill died she said she hads her mommy and daddy, but we were her parents. I tried to explain and she's pretty smart so she said if we take care of her and she lives with us, we're like her parents. Bill said he couldn't argue with that. My daughter agreed. We have been her parents.

Death is a lot different than jail. It's a jail for those who have to go on, but it isn't the same thing. She understands that grandpa is in heaven and he watches over us now.

She asked about her daddy just before Bill died. No one had heard from him in 2 years. He worked good jobs and didn't get into trouble. Although he hadn't found a job in over a year last time we heard from him. He looked, but there just wasn't anyone hiring. His biggest problem was not being envolved hardly at all with his child. Don't know what happened exactly, but he couldn't find work and don't know what he did, but he's in jail and for another year. My daughter made a call to find him and with her big mouth talking on the phone I hear "He's in JAIL???" Makayla was right there and heard her. Bill told my daughter to watch out there were little ears listening. That's when she saw Makayla looking at her with big sad eyes. We all sat down and my daughter told her that daddy had done something bad and he had to go to jail for a while. I gotta tell you, she has been bothered by it since then.

Grandpa is always here, but he also watches from Heaven. She's better with this than I am for sure. But she gets this look like she's looking off and wants to know why her daddy had to go to jail? Why is he a bad man? Will she have to go to jail someday? And to top it off she has nightmares. She did not handle this well at all.

The where's daddy question can up every few months. When we said we did know, it passed for a while. When she found out where he was it has really bothered her. They are way to many kids tha have to deal with this as an everyday, it's just normal kind of thing, but not all kids can handle the information. Now if daddy did something that grandma would kill him over, something sick and deranged? Yeah, daddy was bad and he's in jail and if you see him run to grandma. Otherwise I wish she didn't know.

OK more than my 2 cents, more like a buck 80, but I know what I go through and what she goings through when it's on her mind, so I'd hate to have another child get that look. And 3 may be just a little too young.

OK there's my not gonna say anything post. Ya right!

 

[fl_deb]

I think your answer needs to be a question as to why he is asking about daddy.

It also has to reflect your intentions for the future, i.e., how soon dad will be out, will dad be an ongoing relationship for you, and if so in what capacity? i.e., renewal of vowes or only as required to meet minimal court ordered visitations?

If you ask the questions, you may find out that s/he just wants reassurance that one exists and that s/he wasn't just "hatched" in a cabbage patch somewhere. LOL

Alot can be stirred up from other children and the comparisons they make of themselves and their families to others around this age and ongoing until about age 7.

Whatever you do, do not lie or mislead the child, as that will come back to haunt you many times, but also remember that at this age the child belives in magical thinking. For example, people come back to life after dying (happens all the time in cartons and movies), easter bunny, tooth fairly and that they believe that thinking a certain way can make it happen (I wished Grandma was dead, and then Grandma dies of heart attack, therefore I made grandma die.)

Good luck on this as it will only be a start of many questions yet to come. I think you will do well.

 

[Judy]

Quote:
I agree, this would be a great place to start. In the end of course you do not want to be dishonest, but the trick is going to be not giving more information than he can handle.

I'm sure you'll do fine.

 

[chickensducks&agoose]

right after my DD turned 3, her dad went to afghanistan... she asked about him all the time. every day, at least 10 times she'd say "Where's my Daddy?" and I'd explain that he was in afghanistan, and wouldn't be home for a long time, and she'd just cry and cry and cry. it was terrible. after about 6 months, she stopped asking where he was. I think you should say "Your daddy isn't here now, but families are made many different ways, and we love you very much. Oh look! A puppy!" If they can be distracted, that's awesome. my DD couldn't be distracted, ugh. I also agree with mahroni about not saying he's in time out... at most, you could say "He's made some choices that weren't so great, and he can't be here right now".... but really, at 3, it is too much to understand... and he might think if he does something bad, he might have to go in time out for a LONG time... or worse, wants his dad, so does bad stuff to get in time out with him!

 

[Amanda0609]

I would guess he is asking this because for the first time in his short life he feels safe. I wouldn't say anything about jail. I know a 4yo and his biological father is always in and out of jail. When he gets into trouble he has asked if he will go to jail too. It can be too much for them to handle. I would stick with something vague, he is some where far away, or we don't know. But that's just me. By the way how long is his father supposed to be in jail?