My dear Spook. I am so sorry.
I recently read a piece on grief in which the author compared the loss of a loved one to a shipwreck. You are sailing along on a beautiful cruise, having the time of your life, when you are suddenly faced with bad weather. The ship is strong and sails on although you begin to feel uncertain and to worry as it starts to pitch and roll and to fall apart under the force of the angry sea. Suddenly, you are flung into a raging tempest of wind and waves that crash down on you and toss you about uncontrollably. You are slammed from every side with water and debris, alternately tossed, and sucked into blackness only to be tossed again. You can't fight it, and you can't catch your breath, and there are times when just letting the storm take you down would be a welcomed relief. The fight is too hard and futile, and there seems no end in sight. Eventually, the storm calms a bit. You begin to notice that the waves still crash down on you on a regular basis, but there are ever so brief periods in between them when you can actually float and bob a bit and catch your breath before the next wave wipes you out again. As the days, weeks, months, years pass, the calm periods become more calm, and they get ever so slightly longer, and one day you realize that the waves are not so devastating as they once were. You catch yourself noticing some blue sky here and there. You realize that it has been some time since the last wave that totally wrecked you. Oh, they never stop. Most of the time they get fewer, and milder, but those bad ones still show up occasionally, but you learn to anticipate them, prepare yourself for them, and to ride them out with some effort. You know the clues and triggers that bring the waves - a special date, a special place, a special item, smell, photo, person......
I do not have the talent for writing that you have. I hope I have conveyed the understanding that this comparison gave me when I read it. If we are fortunate enough to find that special partner, and to have that unbreakable bond, half of us will inevitably have to endure the shipwreck. As hard as it is to survive, and as much effort as it takes to learn to master the waves, it is a testament to the boundless love you two shared and infinitely better to have to face the storm, rather than to have lived a life without the depth of love required to cause such a shipwreck.
I wish (there I go again) I could give you a real hug.
