What do you make of this? (family story aka. a rant)

[Julie08]

Quote:
Very well said!

 

[AngieChick]

Quote:
You worded that beautifully. I commend you for giving your sons a loving environment after their rough start. The adoption process is agonizing and for you to go through it, as well as to dedicate yourself to raising 2 children independantly is wonderful.

To OP - What a very challenging decision you undertook. I can understand why you did it and how challenging teen agers can be in the best of circumstances, let alone in situations like this. All you can do is make the best decisions you can at the time. Too bad they don't come with remote controls

 

[sundance]

My youngest son, now 34 was adopted, he has always known he was adopted and who both his bio parents are, He has a so-so relationship with his mother but his bio father has refused to ever meet him, He has 3 half bro and he sent them an invitation on my space, and left it up to them. now i think they e mail sometimes. He feels he has done his part now it is their decision, and I have never voiced an opinion, as it is his life and I know He love his dad and me both very much, marrie

 

[country freedom]

Quote:
You've done right. Please do not allow anyone else to suggest otherwise.

 

[Dar]

thanks everyone...I am truly grateful for your support and kind words and words of wisdom (even if they were hard to swallow)..lol

 

[shawnkfl]

there is a HUGE. and i mean HUGE difference between a father and a dad. your son knows the difference now. any asshat can be a father. it takes a real man to be a dad

 

[Dar]

Quote:
I agree 100% my DH has been a dad to my DS since he was 3 years old but now he has a chip on his shoulder "yr not my real dad you cant tell me what to do" i know he will grow out of it...and he also blames step-dad for bio dad for not being there...He (ds) admitted that he once wished his mom and dad would be together again...which i find hard to swallow cause last time he seen bio dad he was 6 months old... dreams i guess...>>>>>que Little house on the prairie theme music<<<<<

 

[Chicken Boo]

Sounds like BD has guilt issues that only he can work out. OR, because he is always wanting something from others, that is how he expects others to treat him.

Either way, I think your DS learned this lesson at a good age. He will appreciate you all the more.

 

[astylishgirl]

I think it is natural for a kid to have desires to see their bio parent. I don't know where those feelings stem from, but I believe they are very real. There must be some vital need to see where we come from biologically.

So you did what you could to help your son. You did what you thought was right. Your son is going to probably be in a lot of pain over this and could possibly seek counseling to work through those feelings. If needed. If he buries these feelings, they will surface later.

I am glad that he is appreciating you and your DH. My kids are dealing with a step parent and to say that they don't appreciate how wonderful he is would be a gross understatement. I am hoping that they do someday!

Chin up. You did what you thought best.

 

[Eliza]

Just my advice. You must set the boundaries now that DS has moved back into the home. It sounds like he has a lot of unresolved issues brewing here. While I agree that he should come back into the home he needs structure and boundaries more than ever. I'm not sure where the "you're not my father so you can't tell me what to do" is coming from. If your DH has been the "father" since this child was 3, then DH should be the only father figure he has known... However, as a married couple there can be no disunited fronts between you two. To ensure a strong base you two must set the rules and expectations of DS. I would suggest some very brief family counseling and some brief individual couseling for DS to provide a safe and structured placed for him to wade through his issues and find resolution. It also sounds like he may need to understand why it is HIS b/d problems that lead to the dissolution of the relationship and not the son's doing. Doing some research with him about addiction and mental illness (if there is any history here, and there usually is) is important. It answer questions - and I'm only supposing here- that my father is not my destiny, and that type of thing. Depression, anxiety, fear are not going to go away by themselves. Good luck, it sounds like you have worked very hard to do the right things and are very supportive. don't hestitate to enlist the aid of a good therapist.