What do you make of this? (family story aka. a rant)

[Dar]

Quote:
No announcement? Just showed up?

That was my question also. That, and why hasn't your 17 year old son lived with you for the past 8 months? Where has he been living - on his own?

So you show up, unannounced, after 17 years, with a grown young man, and basically say "here"? Of course the man has a few questions as to why?

I don't think this was very well planned out or executed and could of/should of been handled differently if you didn't want your son to get hurt by the shock and surprise and questions his "father" would express when answering the door to find his long lost 17 year old son and ex standing there.

my son has not lived with me cause he thought he was a big boy and live on his own and when he ended up in a shelter and on welfare he soon realized that maybe he cant handle things on his own (Ontario law says that when a child reaches 16 years of age they no longer have to reside with a parent they can move out on their own..stupid law)

I know it should have been handled differently..but I am at a loss on how it could have been done differently ..He was not responding to phone or mail or email...ect we tried every way of contacting him before with the excetption of via a lawyer and i just dont have the $5000 kicking around for a retainer fee for a lawyer.

The B/D was the one who walk out on us 17 yrs ago and never looked back and we have looked for him for 17 yrs and when ever we would get close he would up and move again all over the country. In the beginning (17 yrs ago) yes I wanted child support ect...but now I really dont care about that I dont need his money. I have done ok with out it and I am not about to start rocking the boat now. My DH has always accepted my DS as his and provided for him the same way as out other children.

B/D has a "fear" that the whole world is out to get him and he will hurt anyone who tries...why cant he just accept tha fact that his son just wants to know him and does not want anything in return?
I have tried VERY hard over the years not to "bash" B/D and to allow DS to make his own mind up when the time comes. I feel its not my place to spoil DS's mind against his B/D..

 

[CoopCrazy]

To the OP... My oldest sister had the same thing happen when she was 15. She too got to see first hand how worthless her alchy B/D was.. It really opened her eyes to how great of a life she had without him.. And made her appreciate my father that much more...


To those who feel it's there right to be rude or judgemental of the OP or her son , remember that this a communtiy , we are supposed to support eachother not talk down to or belittle... You do NOT know the circumstances and are only basing your responses on what very little that the OP has cared to share...

And to Mahroni , In a perfect world Maybe , but this world is far from perfect... My adopted children are doing just fine with ONE Father (ME) and NO Mother, and I have seen some amazing folks come from single, divorced and same sex marriages... Bottom line LOVE is what makes amazing children become Awesome adults....

 

[wegotchickens]

Quote:
What he said

 

[ruth]

I am not trying to be rude or judgemental but when someone posts something on the open internet and asks "What do you make of this?" - I am answering as best I can.

Now the story is that she showed up with a 17 year old son who was living on the streets, in a shelter and on welfare and knocks on the door of the drug-using, no-good father, who has run and hid from the son for the past 17 years, including not answering mail, e-mail or phone calls prior to the knock on the door.

To the OP - this is not the man to introduce your already troubled son to. I would think it best to not enourage any further relationship unless it is initiated by the "father". As far as letting your son move back home because now he's figured it all out - well, that's up to you and a whole new topic I won't address.

I'm sorry if I offended or sounded rude in any way.

 

[CoopCrazy]

Quote:
With my sister we did'nt know her father was an alcholic as it had been 15 years since she had seen him.. I am raising 2 young boys at the moment and when the time comes that they want to get know there fathers I will do what I can to accomplish that ... Both of there fathers are drug addicts and worthless, but the bottom line in my opinion is they are still there Fathers...

This post was'nt directed at one person.. Just meant as a reminder to folks that we don't know the whole story , just what the op wishes to share and that maybe we should show more compassion, and less judgement... I feel that getting things that are bothering me out of my head helps tremendously and I feel that by the OP stating in the topic line that it was a rant , that that is what she was doing " Ranting" ...

 

[Dar]

My son is moving home this friday

The shock of OMG has set in...he now sees that the rules at home are not all bad and if I (my son) keep living the way I have been I will end up just like him (the B/D)

I did not know that he was still using drugs but my son is 17 not a baby and he was the one that wanted to look for the B/D so I assisted him the best way I could

As for the back support for college money...he already has a college fund set up and there is enough in there to pay for 4 years of post secondary education. I am not about to start a war over money...cause thats what is comes down to and I am not a money hungry person. All i want is for B/D to be civil to his son and not treat him like he is some scum bag out to soak him for everything.

as for not encourage him to seek a further relationship with his B/D that is for him to decide once he turned 16 it is no longer my choice (according to ontario law) but i will say i am not going to be doing th edriving or paying the bus fare..lol

 

[hearthnsoul]

Any male can father a child, it takes real man to be a Dad. I would imagine your son just learned that lesson well.

 

[farmerlor]

I think you did the right thing. My oldest daughter's father disappeared from her life and she's never even wanted to find him but I also have five adopted children from the foster care system and I know the day will come when they will want to find their bio parents. I'll help them do it even though I know that at least a couple of those birth parents aren't going to be the fantasy people my kids are hoping they are.

 

[Boyd]

here's my $.02.......... Dad didn't want to be in your son's life, and went to great pains to avoid the both of you... yet you tracked him down and beat on the door. I can understand if you son wanted to do it, but you should have let him when he was stable and on his own.

A Father is the person who raises and teaches a boy in how to become a man. If he hasn't realized that then I think you've done both your son and your husband a disservice. I was raised by my stepfather for a good portion of my life.

Sorry if I offend, but you asked "what do you make of this" so there's my opinion.

 

[HobokenChickenEmergency]

It's really hard to be in that situation. My 14 yr old ds has no contact with his dad, so I know where you're coming from. My son never asks about him, but a few months ago his dad asked me to see him. He hasn't seen him since he was 4, so I'm not sure what the sudden interest was about, but apparently Mr. ADD forgot about it. I haven't heard from him since I explained that it would be up to my son to decide.

In all honestly, he's not the same guy he was when I knew him. He battles depression and alcoholism, on top of other things I can't discuss on a family-friendly board.

I've kept in periodic contact with him over the years, but he never brought up our son. If I mentioned him, he'd change the subject.

I do think you need to let your son decide, but I don't think he's ready for that decision at his age. Now that's he's gotten an idea of what he's like, maybe he'll put it off for a while.

Everyone wants to know their dad; it's part of learning who you are yourself.

It sounds like what he needs now is his mom and his REAL dad. Speaking as a step-child myself, it takes a while to know who your family is. When you figure it out, you realize that blood doesn't matter--love does.

Now go give that kid a hug, hon. He's been through a lot.