what to do about my inlaws?

[hunterjumper999]

I'm sorry if this winds up a long rant. . . but here goes.


A year and a half ago my DF and I bought a house in the country. It is maybe 35-40 minutes from her parents house. at first they were over ALL the time, including a stint where I was basically the caregiver for my FIL who has many illnesses ( both psych and medical) and can't be left alone while my MIL works nights... so we inherited him . Then the issues started. . . . briefly they included MIL "shopping" in our cabinets when they were out of food in their own. . . FIL borrowing things ( tools, THE RIDING LAWNMOWER, my 2nd truck) without asking and then not returning them in a timely manner... not just like a day or two or three but he had our 2nd truck for 2 weeks just because he didnt feel like dropping it back off. my mother in law has a HUGE chip on her shoulder. and its not just because I "stole her baby" as my friends have mentioned their own MIL's feel. She had very little of a relationship with my grandmother raised till 6 Fiancé. I honestly believe that she is angry because i come from a comfortable family , not upper class by my home states standards but they would be VERY upperclass in rural georgia where we live. YES, my dad helps us pay the mortgage on the house we live in... I couldnt work enough while finishing up my degree to pay it. I'm extremely thankful that he does help us. . . but im not on a trust fund. I budget LESS Than 900.00 income per month for two people, five dogs and a boarded horse that takes up 400.00 of that . that leaves 500.00 for food for all of us, gas, ect ect. She came from a UMC family in florida but married someone who had alot of issues in his life and now they are struggling. . . I should mention that she is a specalized RN and makes 80k plus a year. he is unemployed but contributes with scrap metal ect. they don't NEED his income. but they both indulge in smokable drugs, play scratch lotto and she takes out credit cards in his name and doesnt tellhim ( and he cant read so never sees the bills).

i tried to be nice and help them ( buying gas and grocceries, probation costs ect) when I was able but i just can't stomach it anymore. they ask me , not my DF. they call her heartless because she just flat out says no, but i get that now. She is facebook friends with me ( not worth taking her off, so don't suggest it because it just multiplies the IN REAL LIFE drama by a million). . . and I post quotes occasionally like this :

I think that everyone deserves exactly what they they can get. Thats why I don't listen to people when they say my wants are ridicoulous. If i can obtain them why shouldn't I enjoy them? I hope everyone is enjoying the fruits of their labors.


and get this posted on my public wall... in my defense this was the first thing she retaliated to so i don't post quotes now

hard day ? Too many i's in that. We need to remember others need us too it can be rough payin for a house utilitities car insurance eats out of your pocket all of it without dad help will you truely appeciate the ability to obtain your own wants. I have 2 kids at your house that are still learnin. Give them hell girl and have a safe tri p we know you wilk be a mess when you get home love ya

i felt like screaming YES I HAVE TWO KIDS HERE... ONE THAT IM MARRYING AND ONE THAT WE'RE TRYING TO HELP GET INTO COLLEGE AND GET HIS DUI PAID OFF. I DIDNT ASK FOR HIM AND I SURE DON'T WANT TO FEED A 20 YEAR OLD BOY! AND WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT WHEN WE GO SPEND TIME WITH MY CRAZY FAMILY IN THE LAND OF NORMALCY I'LL BE A MESS.


anyway... I just dont get her. or how to deal with her either...and the husband too. I found out the DAY WE LEFT for vacation that he came over, pillaged the garden, told my DF he weeded it ( okay, if weeding is now taking anything bearing fruit and not bothering to pull any actual weeds) and took four cartons of customer eggs from the fridge on the excuse to my BIL that "they will go bad" when he in the past has lived here and knows we eat counter eggs for up to 3 weeks. before refrigeration. he also gave away 5 of my birds to a friends kids in exchange for weeding the garden (which they did) and i was so angry at him but the kids were excited so i picked my least favorite 5. I think he's just not a thinker, and she's a manipulative and vindictive person.

the brother of my df is just like them, but tries to be different sometimes. he was at the racetrack with dad, drank with him at 19 and then got pulled over for a dui. he blames the cop, the state, anyone but himself and his lovely father. so we've got him headed in the right direction. he brought his dog here to petsit for us and he chewed the futon, a usb cable , and tore up the guest room comforter. i KNOW the dog chews because we gave it to him because his parents house is better able to deal with a chewing dog ( they have a fenced play yard ect) vs our free roam of the house dogs. he said i attacked him and blamed it all on him and it could have been my dogs( two were boarding at a kennel, and two live outside, my little girl is either supposed to be in the crate or in her outdoor kennel because shes very prey drivey and i dont trust her with anyone but myself watching. so now he's making comments about how i have two dogs that live outside and 'constantly escape their kennels' because he was too stupid to check them daily like asked ( first and only time to date they escaped) two dogs that poop indoors ( one is 13 and so arthritic i can believe she has a legitimate problem holding it) and ones just a jerk lol. and one whos crazy and attacks chickens ( your point? its a game bred Pit bull... of COURSE she attacks small, quick animals). I told him his dog ripped up the comforter and his response " well, i really dont care " my response...well you can go home and not come back.
my df won't stand up to them. i don't think she has the ability to. as is they wanted to borrow the lawn mower today and i refused but she was out there at 8am doing the lawn so they could take it. i took the keys and will cause a fuss if need be. they are users and im exhausted .

we're putting up a gate on the driveway thank god the front of the property is a ditch all the way down the rd. hopefully that will stop the visits when we are not home ( but is a PITA for us to open/close/lock ect). we do want to move asap but need real jobs first . . . as i dont want to ask my dad to pay for another house and we only have one VA loan to use for a house and want to settle.

what do i do till then? I get my DF not wanting to start a war because her parents will do very ugly things to make her 'suffer' ( like over the fb thing they came and took all the car tools that her dad had here...shes building a motor and just wants to finish. ect.

 

[chicks4kids]

Wow.....what a predicament you've gotten yourself into. Personally, I would take the MIL off of FB and when she comments about it you simply just state the facts.........that you don't need crappy, disrespectful comments posted and you're not going to have it. That will eliminate the FB aggravation.

About the home situation, what are you planning on doing with the 20 year old if you move?

Until you move, it sounds like your df (which I'm still trying to figure out what df is) NEEDS to stand her ground with her parents and put things back into perspective as to what is appropriate at your house. If they get angry and take the tools away, so what? Yeah, she may want to finish building a motor, but really.........it sounds to me that because you/she doesn't want FIL to take his tools home is a terrible reason for NOT standing your ground. If that's the reason, then tell her to get a move on and get it done so you can deliver his tools personally

Because you're about to crack!

You've got a situation that seems to be getting worse and worse. And they're learning how to manipulate you and yours even more because every time they do something to see if they can get away with it........they do. Did you confront FIL about the chickens? The garden? The MIL about the FB comment? People hate confrontation so maybe that's what you need to start doing.

I hope it gets better and you can figure out a way to get through this.

 

[chicmom]

Sorry to hear about your drama. Very sucky. I've been married twice--once for 15 years and now my second marriage--I'm in my 10th year, and in-laws that don't respect boundaries are a HUGE pain in the rear. They won't like it but you've gotta just be plain with them and don't take their crap, or avoid them at all costs. You tell them no. You tell them you know they took your eggs and not to do that again. Don't raid the vegetable garden. We will give you what we can spare. Be plain with them and if they don't like it, they can lump it. Don't let them borrow your truck anymore. Simply state, "Sorry, no. Last time you didn't bring it back for two weeks." Be direct! Don't him-haw around.


I'm sorry you're going throught his. Sometimes it does help to vent out your frustrations.......

Good luck!

 

[chicks4kids]

I just reread the part about the tools........so they came and got them. Well you've already been "punished" for the FB thing.......so just take the MIL off. You don't need the aggravation on there as well. You don't need your friends and family reading her comments (airing her dirty laundry).

You may have to cut the cord from them. Literally until they realize they have went too far and need to have a little more control over themselves and respect for the two of you.

 

[BlackBart]

wow that is a turmoil

As much as your DF doesn't want to get involved, she is. Sounds like mixed messages but I am not living it.
I think it is up to her to curb her parents with your support, united you stand. As hard as it may be to do so.
We allow others to treat us they way they do. They are disrespectful to both of you and they have been allowed to get away with it sort of like spoiled children.

A gate is a good start with a No Trespassing sign and somebody staying as your house when you go away is another.
Forget Facebook anybody who reads that stuff on there and believes half of it, needs to get a life.

Sometimes you have to put a invisible wall between people who cause you conflict. They are making your life miserable and taking advantage of you.
Good Luck

 

[PineappleMama]

Makes you wish Thorazine darts were easier to come by don't it?

The 'boy' is 20 years old, he's an adult and should be taking care of himself... IF attending school, then could still be leaning on his PARENTS that brought him into this world... but not leeching off a soft hearted sister and her DF. You need to find him somewhere else to go. Maybe if devil mom has a baby back in the house she'll lay off you some? Seems like something that would be worth a try. As long as someone is willing to keep rescuing him, that boy's never going to stand on his own two feet... but you don't want to just kick him out, so back to mom might be the best option... pack his stuff, deliver it and his dog to the 'rents, drive away.

Really, if they're in a repossessing what's theirs mood... well give them a hand.

So long as it isn't DF they're trying to get back of course. Though considering that they targeted and punished DF, via her project by taking those tools, for your "offense" it's quite likely they don't want her back... just enjoy having control... amazing how many people like that there are in the world.

Don't have your dad start buying, but maybe he could start keeping an eye out for a good property (near them, far far away from the psychos) that fits your needs and budget... that can be a LONG process so extra eyes never hurt.

Of course, I'd get cranky with the people and end up telling them that just to make 'em realize their hating, using, manipulating days are numbered... but then I have a rather big mouth.... *inserts foot* Ah, that outta stop any leaks.

Gates, Locks, etc only work if none of the intruders have a key... and since you're currently hiding the keys to the mower because DF will cave... maybe you should make sure there aren't any excess copies laying around... Oh, and remember that while a car can't cross a ditch to get on your property too easy, feet can... I hope the gate will be enough of a hint... but somehow I doubt it.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

An alternative on the facebook is to open a separate acount and invite your friends, but not the in-laws. Limit the information that can be publically shared to what is not identifiably you. Keep the old account, just stop using it.


I do have to say that your df borrowed her dad's tools apparently indefinitely, so how is that different than not bringing borrowed items back as soon as they are finished using them? A call of "Hey, I need my truck tomorrow; please bring it back," might have gotten it home sooner.

DF needs to step up and help set limits; these are her parents. Does she agree that there is a problem? If not, that is a red flag for you. You also need to exclude them from your financial and other personal information. It is none of their business whether or not your parents help with the mortgage payment. If she has an 80K/year job, then why on earth are they mooching off you? I am wondering if she is talking a line that simply isn't there. As for your df's brother, you need established goals and timelines for him moving out. At the very least, he should be contributing labor in return for living with y'all.

 

[hunterjumper999]

thank you so much for the constructive input... its making me feel a ton better and especially those of you that have experience with these type of people.

DF is aware there is a problem. as far as them knowing our financials, it is not hard to figure out . . . we both go to school full time and work part time jobs when available... so they know we're not footing the bill for the major portion of the house. THEIR financials are accurate at the figures mentioned, but the CC's that are maxed out and the loans ect ( they do payday loans ect) and the pot bills are what is getting them ( the latter being about 250 a week )

the 20 year old is being returned today. I told DF his response to my noting that the comforter was shredded in the guest room, as well as the chewed up futon ( the 'bed' in there) and his response and she hit the roof. he's packing and making little cuts at me whenever possible but its not winning df back. It is very difficult living with siblings even tho one is my df... they do tend to stick together... interesting for me to see being an only child myself. He pet sat for us for a week and has been here for three. I think that we're even since he only had for feed and put in / out 3 dogs. His mom works nights and so sleeps all day and can't drive him to school when it eventually starts. I was origionally going to let him carpool with us, i have one class and would go ride my horse and run errands/ do h.w and then pick them up and head home ( we live an hour from school) but now i think i'll let him start class with them driving him. . . i was expected to pay for his books too. when i moved in with my df. her parents wanted 200.00 a week from us for "rent" so i think if he is going to come to the house i want 400.00 a month from them. I'll buy his food and shuttle him around. he'll have no 'chores' except the common area ect... their response last time we asked for money for his care was that they will take him back before they pay us...so ill give them the option and if they want to have a go at parenting so be it.

oddly, my fil called this am to say if we need help with the yard or whatnot or the motor he can come over and stay for a few days. I think maybe he hears the MIL ranting and knows their days are numbered. I don't think i'll ask for help even tho we need it...it will just make everything prolong. that said, i generally like the guy just think he has a manipulator for a wife and he's just not bright ( he's also not educated, but that doesnt bother me...its the dumb ideas that drive me nuts like using the lawnmower as a bush hog ect). it is DF's dad afterall and he is not in good health so its important that they have a relationship of some kind in my opinion.

as far as the tools ect, we have a hobby auto shop on the property. it has a lift ect in it and is air conditioned and heated ( thank you old man who used to own the house lol) so my df, her dad and a few choice friends of ours all have various projects in there. anyone is welcome to come at any time we are here, othewise its locked. people have the choice to keep things here to work with, knowing we lock the shop when we are not here or are away. FIL can have his things back at any point- assuming we are here. it's because of his borrowing we started locking it up and he knows this.

I blew a gasket with giving the chickens away. But, because kids are kids and i didnt want to make them sad, i went ahead with FIL's plan. I did not mention the veggies or the eggs as of yet, but plan on it face to face. He also keeps asking for the mower and df keeps saying its up to me. I said to blame me, because i know they do anyway regardless. . . which seemed to satisfy her need to not confront them. I told her that im sick of living on the verge of a breakdown or rage explosion... so she said that we'll deal withthem head on and then avoid avoid avoid, which works for me!

 

[SillyChicken]

#1 quit letting them walk all over you

#2 change the locks on your home and start locking it. No one allowed in the house other than the people who belong there or supervised by you.

 

[chicken_china_mom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hate people that think they can just take advantage of other people. My credit and driving record were heavily tarnished because of my childrens' father. Not exactly the same thing, but he is a very manipulative person, and after we split, he would sneak into my house and steal things, and when I would realize they were gone and confront him, he would either lie (which he LOVES to do for EVERYTHING) and say he has no idea what I'm talking about, or he would go on the defensive and say it was his in the first place and he had every right to take it back. Um, NO, not if you don't live here anymore! It's called breaking and entering stupid! But he just continued to do it. More and more stuff disappeared, from the house, the basement, the garage, I just couldn't take it any more. So I moved nearly 3 hours away from him and his friends who I know were helping him to steal. And no nothing disappears. That doesn't stop the manipulation though. He doesn't want to contribute child support, not a dime, but expects me to happily give him the kids for weeks at a time. Not happening! So he tells his friends and family that I am a monster that won't let him see his kids and he doesn't know why when he gives me soooooooo much money every month. *rolls eyes*. I support MY chidren with help from my mother. We work together as a team since the economy sucks and the job I was able to land after we moved here was only part time. Then I went back to college so I can work on getting a really good job. But I lost my job when our car bit the dust and now I can't GET to work.

We struggle, but we cover all the bills, not him, yet from 120 miles away, he still tries his manipulation games. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand what it's like to have lazy, irresponsible, manipulative people in your life. My ex is a real piece of work, just like your in laws. I supported him when we were together. He can't hold down a job to save his life, and now he's trying to get on diability because he had back surgery. If he took off 150 lbs he wouldn't have back problems to start with, but I digress. Point is, it's stressful, and I couldn't take it anymore, and you shouldn't have to either. How much longer before you graduate and your DF graduate? I think some sort of alarm system like ADT would really benefit you, as well as some strategically placed cameras. Catch them on your property when you have not given them permission. Then call the cops. When the cops show up at their door, tell the in laws "I won't press charges for trespassing this time, but if I catch you on my property again, I will. You need to respect our boundaries, and if you can't, then you are not welcome in our home." Harsh, I know, and I am a very NON confrontational person, but my ex has driven me to the point that he now hates talking to me on the phone because not only will I not listen to his lies, but I have absolutely no sympathy for him or the predicaments he has gotten himself into. I just don't care. And I refuse to be manipulated anymore. See, I have no qualms whatsoever about going to his family and telling them flat out what a liar he is, and that he doesn't give me a single red cent for child support. And I already have, more than once, and I will do it again. They know he's a liar, but they fall victim from time to time too. You just have to put your foot down and be strong for you and your DF. I understand where she's coming from. It's her family, she loves them, she fears losing their love, she fears challenging the people that raised her(sort of), and angering them or turning them against her. She sounds a lot like the old me. I'm still a non confrontational person, until I get pushed too far. My mom says that's my worst trait, that I don't fight back. I know which battled to pick, and which to walk away from. My mom is just more fiery tempered than I am. But she is the one that my ex calls now and tells his sob stories to. One day she was telling me that he was going in for surgery the next day on his back, and I wasn't reacting. I just said, "Yeah, that's nice." and her jaw sort of dropped. She asked me when I had become so cold and uncaring. I said I hadn't, I just didn't believe a single word that comes out of hims mouth, and I wouldn't believe that he was having surgery until I saw the scar on his back myself. She shut up. She knew I was right. Maybe I'm numb now, or maybe I am cold and uncaring. Either way, I grew a backbone and I fought back when I needed to, which is what you need to do. I highly recommend moving as soon as school is done. Good luck to you and your DF, cause you're going to need it!


Oh, and a little tip about Facebook? Wait until she makes a post and it shows up in your newsfeed, and then hit the hide button. Guess what? Her posts no long will show up in your newsfeed or the newsfeed of your friends. I don't know if her comments will still appear, because I put someone that got me mad on hide, and I haven't taken her off it. I know she posted on one of my pictures, but other than that, it's like she isn't even there. She's none the wiser though. You're not deleting her, you are just ignoring her. She may never be the wiser either. It doesn't alert the other person, so enjoy your Facebook. Don't feel that you have to go through the hassle of opening a new account and then refriending all your friends, because that's a real pain. Just put the MIL on hide, and if she continues to be a pain, delete her, but remember to put her on your ignore list so that even if she tries to search your name, she won't be able to find you. I have my ex and his gf on hide. I refuse to add him. He would just take the opportunity to spy on me, so he's ignored. Maybe I am colder than I thought. If I am, it's his fault. I call it stronger. Let us know how things turn out for you. I'm in your corner rooting for ya!