What to do with this child? I give up...update on 4...ugh!

[Camelot Farms]

I swear, my 20 yr old DS is going to drive me crazy. Until he became a teenager, I believed that nurture was stronger than nature....meaning that even tho my ex is a total nutcase, I could raise him well, give him everything he needed to be successful....I was wrong.

I am a self starter....never take no for an answer, get 'er done kind of person. No slacking, no procrastinating. Everything done on time and usually early.

DS is the TOTAL opposite. Today has me about ready to cry in frustration.

He starts college (finally) next month. Today he was supposed to go to an orientation for a FREE course that would allow him to skip the non-credit English class. He called me at 11:00 to say that he couldnt find the room.

I didnt answer cause I was working so he LEFT!! Seriously. He just left.

I called him back when he was on his way home. I told him to check the email that he was sent for the room number. He didnt print it out. Asked him if he asked for help. Yes, but person who he asked didnt know.

So when he gets home I have him look on the email and he had written down the wrong number.... 772 instead of 722.

The result of him not taking more than 5 minutes to find the right room is that he will now be taking the non-credit course which is NOT FREE and takes up space on his schedule that could be used more wisely. BTW, this is a Community College. Most Malls are bigger than this. A door to door search for the class would have taken 10 minutes.

This is the same child who procratinated last night about an outdoor chore until it was almost dark. When he did the chore, he missed 1/2 of the work. I told him that it was missed and to go finish it. This morning the chore was still not completed. Why? Because it was too dark to see to finish it

How do you energize a child like this? How to you get them to be more urgent about life? Ideas please!!

 

[Mandalina]

Is he related to my step-daughter? she is almost 20 and the same exact way, and when anyone brings up her issues she says she will deal with it all later bc she is enjoying her time being young since we are all trying to "force" her to grow up.(last time I checked father time made us all get older but whatevs!)

I dont know what to tell you, we finally gave up on her and have decided to let her make her own choices and mistakes.We are also not paying for her college though, she got student loans and asked her maternal grandparents for cash.She moved down to FL to live with her mom and is now living with friends spending all her time surfing and doing the occasional online course that she will someday have to pay for.

 

[gritsar]

College? I'd be thinking military. They have a set of standards and procedures in the military. You follow them or your life becomes something you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

ETA: While he's away at boot camp, learning to be what's called an ADULT, change your phone number.

 

[chicmom]

Oh, dear, CF! If you had a DSD like mine, you'd feel a whole lot better about your son. She is nearly 20 and still hasn't graduated from HS. She dropped out because (she was 18 and she could do what she wanted to do). Still hasn't graduated. Has a record for shoplifting.......

Bet you wanna kiss your son now! LOL

 

[pbjmaker]

Seems pretty typical for the age. I have three kids and they are 16,18,20. The middle one procrastinates about everything. There really isn't much you can do at this age, they need to figure it out for themselves.

Gritsar - military is great for some, but would destroy my 18 year old. My 16 year old on the other hand - would be a great fit.

 

[Camelot Farms]

Unfortunately his asthma is too severe to allow him to succeed in the Armed Forces. I am however considering sending him to DebiRaymond....

I know I shouldnt, but I can help think that at his age, I owned my 1st home, was married and expecting him. I know times are different but geesh...

 

[koop]

He called you because he couldn't find the room? He is 20, not 5, it might be time to let go of his hand and take the training wheels off his bike. If he gets lost or falls and skins his knee don't "kiss it all better", tell him that's life and move on. If you can't let yourself see him fail, then have him move out so you don't have to watch (but don't give him the money).
Successful people don't have it all handed to them, they have to work for it.

 

[Oven Ready]

He's 20 years old, he might be YOUR child but he is not A child, to everyone else he is a young man.

College and English and room numbers are not at the forefront of many 20 year old mens minds, fast cars, girls, music, girls, beer, girls, friends, girls - that's what's in his head.

How often does he fail to meet his 'homies' because he couldn't find the place they agreed to hang out? Never I would imagine.
Does he forget where he left your car after cruising round town all night? - No.
Does he phone you to find out where he's supposed to go on a date, or what's he's supposed to do on it, if you don't answer does he dump the girl and come home - Nope !

He can do stuff for himself, but it has to be stuff he wants to do.

Somehow you need to let him be a man, let him do things for himself, let him make the mistakes you know are going to happen but learning lessons from other peoples mistakes are not half as good as learning from your own.
I'm not suggesting abandoning him, more like secretly guiding him rather than telling him what to do. Sort of the way you control your husband (if you currently have one).

Perhaps remind him that college is full of girls, beer, frat mates, girls, music, beer, girls and err.... more girls but they are unlikely to want to hang with the dork who gets so much stuff wrong.

 

[Camelot Farms]

Quote:
Thats the problem. I dont do those things. I dont fix things, I didnt call the school and find out where the room was. I didnt contact the professor to see if he could still get in. I am not an enabler.

He just doesnt care. To him missing this class was an 'oh well', I'll just take the stupid no credit course'. I did suggest that he contact the professor and see if there was still a way to get into the class, but I didnt do it for him. If he contacts her...great, if not...well thats fine too. Its no skin off my nose and no money out of my pocket.

He just has no sense of urgency. Nothing bothers him. He's like Eeyore....ho hum. Go with the flow and roll with it. When he was a young child this was great...never a screamer, never demanding. Just went with it most of the time. But now...he needs to find some purpose, some urgency, some passion about something....about anything.

 

[Camelot Farms]

Quote:
This boy is not your 'typical' 20 yr old. More of a 'techie'. Give him a computer or some gadget and he's happy. He has a few friends that get together a couple of times a week but no 'normal' college kid stuff....not complaining...lol.

And yep....if his date didnt answer the door, he would come home. He wouldnt give it a second though. 'oh well, something must have come up.' He wouldnt give it a 2nd thought. He doesnt run around town cruising. Not his scene. Party? Nah. His bio-dad is an alcoholic. He isnt going down that road that I know of.

Sometimes I wish he would give us more grief. Go get in trouble....a little trouble....nothing that requires an attorney hopefully. He's just low key, low fuss, low maintenance.

Anyone else have a kid like this?