What to do with this child? I give up...update on 4...ugh!

[WingingIt]

Who's paying for the school? If it's you, I'd say he needs to find a way to get into that course or he needs to sell some tech toys to pay for the English class he'll have to take. Maybe that will get him motivated to call the professor. Mine aren't that old yet and I was like you at that age, so that's about the best attempt at advice I can come up with right now. Good luck.

 

[agnes_day]

that perfectly describes my 14 year old..totally into computers and all.
what i do for him is let him fall. i know that i cannot protect him from his own actions forever so if he messes up, i let him deal with the consequences.

 

[ranchhand]

I don't have kids, but I was a kid once. Mom and Dad wanted me in college, no matter what. I was a miserable failure at it, I wanted to kick back and have fun. After 2 wasted years Dad said fine, but no money - get a job. And I did. I messed up a few of them before I got the work ethic figured out. Finally, in my late twenties, I was ready to learn. And I paid my own way. Dad started helping after I pulled in all A's for 2 years.

I just wasn't mature enough for college dicipline at the time, and was wasting money. The years of working for a living were a real eye-opening, learning experience. Maybe it would help him?

Either way, best of luck to you and motivation to him!

 

[ScaredOfShadows]

Camelot - obviously he lives with you, if your not paying for his college how is he paying for it? Loans? Himself? Does he have a job? Does he have his own car?

I am 22, I am in college - working towards my bachelors - I have a soon to be 6 yr old daughter - and at the moment I only hold a part time job but thats because of our economy in this small town - and everywhere needs experience that isn't a food joint or convenience store. Roxboro has lost 5 of the 7 factories and major job suppliers in this county in the past 7 years.

I take my college courses - I have all A's except one B that haunts me from this past semester.

I do job searches every other day - I put in calls to places every Monday to talk about possible interviews - I do almost all the house chores since I live my dad right now because when I lost my job I just didn't have the means to live where I was living.

My parents will do everything they can for me - but lazing about would put me on my butt. I have seen what its like living on my own - how hard it is - and I don't take for granted what I'm given and allowed to have at this point.

Honestly it just sounds like he needs a good kick in the pants seat and a wake up call.

He has to understand that he just CAN'T coast through life - he gets into the college he'll have to WORK at them classes and courses - and point out that he's A. paying for it or B. be paying for it later - especially if he has a grant - if he fails he'll owe that too. And if you fail classes or drop out with loans and grants - you usually have to start paying on them ASAP...

Remind him of the things you do for him - then point out what he doesn't do to contribute. Point out that yes he's 20 - but he's under your roof and he doesn't have to be - and if he wants to act like a child and procrastinate over everything - you'll treat him like one.

If the car he drives is yours : only allow him to drive it to school - and no where else. Take the keys away. That'll hurt.
Does he have a job? If not - tell him he needs one to help pay bills and stay in your house....mean it.

P.S. good luck! I don't know what your going through - I'm not there yet - lol. But I've seen my parents, cousins, aunts, etc raise kids and all and I'm at that age I understand what may or may not be going through his head.

Take care and have a good one! I hope he wakes up and gets energized about something! He has a passion about something - he just hasn't found it yet.

 

[Sugar Sand Farm]

My friend has a son just like that. So layed back he could care less. He didnt get this high school diploma because here in Florida you have to pass the FCAT. He took it twice but after graduation he said oh well so he only got a certificate for completing 12 years of school He sat around not wanting to do much so they shipped him off to this older sisters to go to junior college. That lasted 6 months and he quit. Hes 25 now and still working in Walmart as a greeter, seems he has had several jobs within walmart but isnt suited for any of them but he can greet people. My own son was no picnic but at least he joined the army and has some ambition.

 

[Oven Ready]

Maybe I guessed the wrong way, he actually sounds like a son a lot of people would like to have.
So perhaps then he isn't a 20 year old man, perhaps he is still a boy who might like his mum to guide him more (without letting her know that of course).
I know I would go for procrastination and 'bumblingness' over paternity tests, bail bonds, drunk-tanks and rehab clinics every time.

My brother in law suffers from terminal procrastination and it is unbearable, I make decisions quickly and right or wrong I stick with them until such time as the wrong is way too obvious that I have to change tack. I can understand your frustation at the procrastination and the "c'est la vie" attitude, but my brother in law has done very well for himself (no idea how really) so it's not that it's something that will necessarily hold him back, it's just a different way to get things done (slowly in my experience).

Not everyone has a firework up their butt.

 

[corancher]

Oh boy. First I agree with some of the others. This is not a child but a young man. Since he missed the free class, make him pay for the replacement class. Hopefully, he has at least a part time job.

Once you realize that you can't change his personality and accept that he likely will never have the same urgency that you do then you both are likely to feel a lot better, however make sure you are not allowing him to have this kicked back attitude by not expecting him to do for himself and if he doesn't then he suffers the consequences, thus pay for his own class since he was the one that messed up and missed the free one.

Just wanted to add. Remember our children may not always do what we want, but if they are supporting themselves then we can't complain even if it is as a Walmart greeter.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Tell him that he needs to see if there is another orientation or test that will allow him to skip the non-credit English class. Let him know that he will be responsible for paying for that class, either in $$$ or extra chores if he cannot find a way to place out of it. You also need to make sure he understands your grade expectations and what you will and will not pay for. Oh, and since he is challenged at scheduling chores, make sure to include that YOU will schedule his work (chore) hours until such time as he has shown that he can and will complete the assigned chores in a timely manner.

BTW, the "too big for their britches" is a pretty common trait of kids that age. I say kids, because that is by and large what they are--not yet grown up enough to realize how good they have it--but wanting all the advantages of adulthood--without paying the price. It is pretty similar to the terrible twos and puberty.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I agree; I know for a fact that if I were to re-do the first year of college for my son, I would make a strong effort to do things differently. It seemed so natural for me to pick and choose classes and instructors that fit both the requirements and also my interests---somehow he never understood how to mesh that all together--and I didn;t realize until he'd failed or dropped a number of basic classes over a course of several semesters.

I finally just started choosing ones for him or giving him a very short list to choose from. Made a HUGE difference. And now that he is independant, he is really making good choices...and frequently kicking himself for not making better choices when we were paying the bills. Seeing his friends graduate and move on to careers has made a big impact.

 

[sourland]

My wife and I raised two children. Our daughter is a type A overachiever, our son if he could be classified would probably be a type Z. Same mom, same dad, same environment- what the heck? Both drove us nuts for varying reasons (all in all they were great kids.) You know what, they turned out great. Very different but great. Both are in solid marriages with good spouses and children. Now they are wracked with worries about their children. I love it! Your son will be fine, and you will survive. A little grayer, more wrinkled, and hypertensive, but you will survive. But you will never stop being a parent, and you will never stop wanting the best for him. It's part of the parent deal.