What to do with this child? I give up...update on 4...ugh!

[Katy]

Quote:
So true! Mine were all moved out by that age...either to school or to their own place. One came back for a couple of years, but he was employed full-time and worked very long hours. As PC said we have to let them go....some get beat up by life more than others before they grow up. As a mom I know the feeling of wanting to weep and knock them upside the head to knock some sense into them at the same time. It's hard, but the biggest gift for his future you can give him at this point in his life is his freedom to thrive or fail on his own.

 

[Camelot Farms]

Thank you everyone. I feel much better this morning and less like thwaping him in the back of the head.

I think for me its the lack of an apparent plan. To him he has a plan...he'll get a job, he'll get a place to stay. That is NOT my idea of a plan. Thats more of an outline. =/
So, I am going to continue pretending that I support his decision and just scream into the pillows when no one can hear me.

I appreciate all of your thoughts and comments.

 

[tammye]

Time for this man to grow up. Tell him this is how it is or get your own place, then he will see what it really takes to live "out there". Did you require him to have a job? before the age of 20. I find today most parents want to coddle their kids until, whenever, then all of a sudden, we expect them to "get it", that's not working!!!folks. If you stop feeding him, he will have to find a job and grow up.I would not pay for his college experience unless he shows some interest in it, I'm sure you could waste this money on yourself some how instead of on him. Sounds like he is not ready for college yet, let him work at a poop jog for a year and I'm sure he will change his mind.

 

[booker81]

Hugs!! Let him go momma bird!

He may fall, but he'll fly eventually....

My brother was exactly him....but with a good drug/alcohol streak as well. Drove my parents INSANE. They were at wits end with him. I scooted at 18, rented a place from my mom's friend - right next door to her LOL so mom got updates on my activities, went to college and worked, finished college, got a good job yada yada. My brother would crash his car - folks would take his keys, he'd sneak out and crash someone elses car. Cops would bring him home, they would tell them to put him in jail for a day, he'd go and come back the next day like it was nothing. He didn't have a plan for the next HOUR, let alone for school, living situation etc.

He did do the Marines....I think he did the Marines more harm than good LOL! Physically, he was a fabulous soldier - could run the death march with a smile, a perfect athlete, but other than that, he messed up SO MUCH it was a joke. We lost track of his promotions and demotions. He ended up with an honorable medical discharge (Iraqi veteran), STILL couldn't plan his own breakfast.

Then he met his now fiancée. That girl is smarter than a whip (was getting degree in Microbiology, now has been accepted to MSU Vet School), very pretty, comes from a very well to do family, and sees SOMETHING in him. She was a bit of a partier, which is how she met him, but she's settled down, and has whipped him into shape so fast it's amazing. He adores her, she adores him, and she keeps him in line with a finesse I can hardly believe. She has the patience of Job, but can put him in his place when he needs it.

Since they've been together, they've moved back to MI, reopened the horse farm, and are now running it as a boarding farm. They both go to college, and she make sure he gets his homework done and his chores. They are getting married in a few weeks. I'd go CRAZY with a spouse like her - I'm good friends with her now, but yeah - but he just does wonderfully with it. I see them lasting a long time, they are perfect for each other.

So there's hope - even if the regular things don't get him in line. You can always hope for a nice girl with an iron will

 

[Miltonchix]

Quote:
Thats the problem. I dont do those things. I dont fix things, I didnt call the school and find out where the room was. I didnt contact the professor to see if he could still get in. I am not an enabler.

He just doesnt care. To him missing this class was an 'oh well', I'll just take the stupid no credit course'. I did suggest that he contact the professor and see if there was still a way to get into the class, but I didnt do it for him. If he contacts her...great, if not...well thats fine too. Its no skin off my nose and no money out of my pocket.

He just has no sense of urgency. Nothing bothers him. He's like Eeyore....ho hum. Go with the flow and roll with it. When he was a young child this was great...never a screamer, never demanding. Just went with it most of the time. But now...he needs to find some purpose, some urgency, some passion about something....about anything.

Are there consequeces equal to or greater than the offense commited?
If he just gets a pass, (a roll of your eyes, or a dirty look is NOT consequences) why should he do any more than the bare minimum. You have to be specific, you don't go to class, you find a new place to live. Sounds drastic, but been there done that. I was one too. Navy straightened my butt out pretty quick. Again, because there were consequences for bad/poor behavior. Then, I made rank, and had to deal with kids just like this. One of the hardest jobs I had in the Navy. Some never did grow up and it was sad to see them kicked out of the military because they didn't UNDERSTAND consequences. But being kicked out of the military can be a consequence with lifelong effects. Not good ones either.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
Can I suggest another talk with him. Suggest that he go with you to visit your grandmother for a couple of weeks and while there look for a job, and IFF he finds a job that he then look for a place to live. But in the meantime, NONE of this is an irrevokable MOVE, it's merely an investigative VISIT that may potentially lead to a move. If he doesn't find a job, or doesn't find a place to live, that he can come back home to go to school or find a job.

All in all it is up to him to determine what he will do, but the older they get the less we can tell them do this or that, but only guide them by presenting possible ideas and scenarios.

As for the consequences of living on his own, by all means. He needs to pay the expenses of being an independant adult. Somehow you need to help him realize the consequences of not having health insurance.

 

[debilorrah]

I'll tell you what worked for us. We told all three kids, be home on Saturday morning to do chores. If you can't make it, pack your stuff and move. Well one Saturday, Kenny blew it off, and Ken threw him out. Now the other two are here every single Saturday morning and work until everything is done and check with us before leaving! A little does of reality thrown into the mix worked wonders!!!

 

[chicknerd]

Quote:
This boy is not your 'typical' 20 yr old. More of a 'techie'. Give him a computer or some gadget and he's happy. He has a few friends that get together a couple of times a week but no 'normal' college kid stuff....not complaining...lol.

And yep....if his date didnt answer the door, he would come home. He wouldnt give it a second though. 'oh well, something must have come up.' He wouldnt give it a 2nd thought. He doesnt run around town cruising. Not his scene. Party? Nah. His bio-dad is an alcoholic. He isnt going down that road that I know of.

Sometimes I wish he would give us more grief. Go get in trouble....a little trouble....nothing that requires an attorney hopefully. He's just low key, low fuss, low maintenance.

Anyone else have a kid like this?

I have a similar son. But he is Aspergers. He simply doesn't worry about a thing. Same ideas as your son. He is 20 now and just graduated from college (he is gifted). But we really had to put a fire under his butt for him to graduate. He just walks to his own drummer. I had to learn this when he was a little. I would be in a hurry and I would ask him to hurry and put on his shoes. He always took his time. I couldn't get angry- it wouldn't do a thing. He works on one speed only - slow. He just had no concept of hurry. Still doesn't. And he would do the same thing when knocking on someone's door. It would never occur to him to find out why. And he certainly is not a partyer.

Being late? He has no concept. What is funny is that he found a girl like him (she refuses to have a cell phone even!). If we set a time to get together they may or may not show up on time. And these are smart kids.

I overtly guided him. Soemtimes it backfired. When he got a good paying job one summer I told him he would have to get up at a normal hour (say 8am) and wear respectable clothing. I went out and bought him dockers and polo shirts. After the first day he came home and said they told him that as long as he put in his 40 hours and was there for meetings they did not care what his hours were!!! Also everyone wore shorts and t shirts over the summer. Yes it was a high tech company, but I really felt like I had lost the battle.

Also I just found out his latest exploit in procrastination. He was suppose to take a math class first semester freshman year, and took the next one instead. To graduate he needed to take that math class. He waited until ONE WEEK from graduation to test out of the class. If he had failed he would not have graduated. I am just glad I did not know! Argghhh!!!

If you figure them out - let me know!!

 

[lockedhearts]

A bit from one who like your son , took some time to grow up. I did move out at 17, got married it did not last. Went through several years of rough times, I am sure caused lots of tears my parents will never admit to, but because of the roots and values I was raised with, I have finally grown up.
While my sister went to college right out of HS, got married has been married, I chose a different path. I am now getting ready to go to college, my 30 year HS reunion is next month.
As someone else said he may fall, but trust in what you have taught him, I am betting he will grow up and be just fine.

 

[WriterofWords]

Ok,, this is the plan! When Steven gets home from AIT, we send them BOTH to Debi!