When the shoe is on the other foot?

[gypsygirl1421]

Wow, some great advise. LuanneKeller, you almost make me cry that sounds so sweet. I probably could raise a quiet reader to take hunting. I asked for some advice today because DH and I have been talking about it these last 2 days. His best friend and his wife have been trying for 6 years, every kind of medical trick known to mankind and finally had to adopt. She's 37. I think that's why its at the top of his head. I think at my age what I see alot is kids that have the TV as a baby sitter and video games as a support group and parents that don't parent so the kids just run amok.

I don't have any girlfriends. Other females don't get me because I don't do what they do. They think I am sick because of how hard I hunt and fish. I am one of two women on our 35 man workforce. All your replies are so helpful it means alot to me. I feel a lot calmer already. Maybe this is something I could do. I would have such a great support group here if I did. You all have definately given me some food for thought. Thank god your here, what a great place this BYC is.

 

[Julie08]

If you dont want to have kids then DON'T it's so hard even if you want them, I can't imagine how terrible it would be for you and the kids if you didn't. At least you figured out you didn't want any before you had them, like some other people. Go with your heart. Let DH keep borrowing kids!!! Lots of kids out there that could use a part time father figure.

 

[swampducks]

My husband is also very good about kids, and kids seem to adore him, but he was adamant from the beginning, he didn't want his own. Fortunately, neither did I.

Your husband may be good with other kids but will he change the diapers, get up for 3 am feedings, etc? He may think you'll "change" once you have a kid, but unless he vows to do it all for you, and you can believe him, don't let him talk you into it. Having a kid doesn't necessarily change the way you'll think or feel. You sure wouldn't want to resent your kid or your husband in the end.

 

[PotterWatch]

I am not a kid person, never have been. Kids are messy, sticky, and loud. However, I love my own kids and can't imagine what my life would be like without them (rather empty I'm sure). I did not intend to have kids, but apparently it was meant to be.

As far as your questions about gaining weight, having time to yourself, and having a clean quiet house, I can only say that of course things wouldn't be exactly as they are now, but life is what you make it. I have absolutely gained weight, but I also haven't put a lot of effort into keeping in good shape. If I had a job that required me to be physically active, I'm sure things would be different in that regard. I am an avid reader and have always found time to feed that particular habit, I still read just as much now as I did before I had kids. I do not however, have a spotless house. Neither my husband nor I work outside the home and our kids are homeschooled. Makes for a lot more mess than it would if we both worked and the kids were at school for most of the day. I know plenty of people with more kids than I have who keep very clean houses. Just depends on what is important to you. I would rather have a messier house and more free time, but to other people having a clean house is higher on their list. I wouldn't be willing to put up with someone elses kids, but for me, MY kids make it worth it.

 

[patandchickens]

Quote:
Ha, that is just about what I was going to say. I never ever wanted kids, they're fine for other people and obviously the species has to carry on and all that

but I have never had ANY interest in babies or children, myself.

Got married at 37, moved to Canada, for various reasons am not very employable up here (was making over $40k/yr in the states, but up here I doubt I could get more than a minimum wage job) and DH really wanted kids, so I said sure, ok, I may as well try to make myself useful by raising hopefully-decent kids, and I'll just learn to get used to it.

So I had 2 sons (at 39 and last year at 42).

Mind, when the first was born, I had never in my life even held a baby in my arms before, and I CERTAINLY did not know anything about how to deal with or get along with kids

Well... it turns out that although I still am not real big on other peoples' babies and children, MY OWN are a totally completely different story

They are just too, too interesting and fun, and the absolute coolest things in the whole world

(well, they're also screamy and frustrating and inconvenient at times, but then, sometimes so are cats, dogs, chickens, etc).

Yes, it is a significant change in your life. And yes, it is hard to get used to not being able to do whatever you want whenever you want. But if you arrange your life right, you can still make time for reading (although not necessarily a whole book in one sitting

) or for anything else you want. If you don't wanna gain a whole lot of weight in pregnancy that is really pretty much a matter of choice and willpower. Etcetera.

The way I figure it is that LOTS of things can unexpectedly change your life -- a disabling accident or disease, major financial problems, discovery of a toxic waste dump under your house, etcetera. If any of those things happened, I'd try my hardest to cope. Having kids at least has a number of benefits to offset some of the disadvantages

Especially since it sounds like you have a husband who'd spend a lot of time and energy with any kids you had.

Of course if you honestly are against it, don't let yourself be talked into it. I'm just saying, I found it AMAZING how totally different a lot of things looked to me, "before" versus "after"

Good luck whichever,

Pat

 

[CarlaRiggs]

Until I had my children, I didn't realize how passionately in love I would be with them. Totally different than marriage.... but still passionate.
Having children was a big maturation. I got involved in schools (I'm a full time Mother), met other families and their children at school, was involved in more community events, etc.

Like dropping a pebble in a pond, my horizons widened.

As far as weight, I was pretty slim throughout having babies. I was 105 when I conceived twins; gained 50 pounds

, and then got back down to 110. At my height, it was still slim. However, since I'm through running and and down stairs, and hit 50+, I'm a little curvier, shall we say!

I've always pretty much done my own thing.... building, tearing up lawns, planting planting planting. Got out and ran in the neighborhood or foothills, while dh just wasn't interested. I also love to cook, sew and quilt. The fun thing about kids, is that some of them will most likely follow your footsteps. So nice to have a companion in our pursuits.

Carla

 

[purr]

Ok ,

so because my mother was so picky, I never wanted kids of my own.The gods had other plans. I absolutely love my daughter and it turned out I make a pretty good mom.

I must cause she's 26 and we are best friends.
But if you people think that your crazy about your kids..Just wait till you have grandbabies! they are the best and If I didn't have my daughter I wouldn't have them and that ,I can't even explain it. It takes my breath away how much I love them. And they make me love their mother all the more for giving me grandchildren.
So give yourself some time you don't have to make this decision now.But if the answer is I don't know then your not ready yet and may never be ready.And that's ok too.
:aww

 

[shmooborp]

my aunt has 7 kids. shes 50 and looks like a 30 year old super model.. LOL

 

[FloridaChickenChick]

Quote:
This is lovely! BUT...

Sometimes our children are reflections of us. Sometimes they are polar opposites. And I'm talking about the same child! You can, of course, exert a great deal of influence on your child, but you can't make them something they're not....or maybe you can but at what price?

I would think long and hard before having a child for someone else. It's wonderful that you love your husband so very much but this is a life that has no say in its own creation.

May God bless you with the wisdom to make an excellent choice!

 

[DuckLady]

I never wanted kids. I don't like to be around them for more than a short time. I never thought I would be a good mother so I didn't want to subject a tiny living creature to my perceived bad parenting.

I had tons of pressure, too. Most was along the lines of
"Oh, it's different when it is your own".

But no one took me up on my reply which was
"if I have one and it turns out I was right after all and I still think it smells and the throw up makes me sick and I can't stand the crying and I just don't want it after all, then what? Are YOU going to raise it?"

I am happily childless, thank you!