When the shoe is on the other foot?

[balticbabe]

Don’t have kids unless you’re absolutely sure you want them. Kids aren’t something you try. You can’t send them back. They may not be healthy, they may turn out like the uncle you can’t stand. Kids aren’t for everyone.

My XH knew I didn’t want kids but he thought I’d change my mind or that he could change it eventually. Not sure why he wanted them. He was not a caring or nurturing person. I think he just thought he would make a mini-me or that he would show his parents that he was a better parent than him. Why does your DH want kids? Does he fully love children and family life like my brother? Or does he just think that making babies is something that people (you) should do? My XH still doesn’t have kids and his myspace says he doesn’t want them. Go figure.

 

[dlhunicorn]

Quote:
Ditto... have heard this same story so many times (and also same for men who were primary "mom" caretakers where the role reversal worked out equally as well with the moms adoring their kids)
It seems to me the OP is afraid she will not have "motherly " attachment to the kids and I think that is a VERY rare occurence being only possible with severe post natal depression and that can not be predicted. Most of us have no "motherly" feelings towards other ppls kids so dont let the lack thereof or irritation with scare you into thinking this might be how you would feel about your own children ...

I love baby animals, puppies, horses, chickens, turkeys. But that's not even close is it? There is a small part of me that wants to give it a try, My mom is my best friend hands down, but the whole thought is so scary. What if I get fat, I have such a physical job that if I can't hike 5 miles with a 20 lb pack I could lose my job. Would I ever be able to finish another book? I like quiet, thrive on it, would it ever be quiet? Would my house be a constant mess? Will I have time to clean it? Would I have time to myself?

The first two years will be a trial at times but it sounds like you have a great hubby willing to work with you on that.
At the end of the day it is a personal decision... my sister was one who reminds me a lot of how you are talking... said she would never have kids and was horrified when ended up pregnant ... all turned out well and she adores her kids and is a great mom.​

 

[MonkeyZero]

I have to put it this way. You dont have to have kids, if you dont want any. BUT We were all once kids.

 

[Frozen Feathers]

I wasn't sure I wanted kids. I am an animal person, would rather be spending time with the goats and chickens then most people.
I absolutely adore my daughter, though. It is totally, completely different with your own kids. For one thing you can discipline them when you can't discipline the neighbors kids without getting in some deep doo doo.

I don't have my nieces and nephews over, unless their parents are here as well. I don't get into kid games, except with DD. We were "slaying Wilderbeast" the other day (she's really, really into the Lion King book she has) and that was pretty fun.

I really am not fond at all of other peoples kids. I get annoyed really quickly with the neighbors kids hanging at the fence wanting to pet the goats or pony or hold a chicken. I even asked one of them the other if they had any toys because it seems like all they do is stand at my fence. I know, a bit mean spirited, but they are like nails on a chalk board to me.

 

[tygab]

Welll... I'm turning 36 next month and have been thinking through these questions, except the added element of now getting to the upper ranges of kid-having age... we haven't been trying, but this year I've been feeling the "time to decide" need more than in the past, and have really thought about it a lot... I have been talking to both my sisters (one with kids, one without) about this and they've given me great input too.

I enjoy animals much more than most people, and definitely more than kids. I can relate to some of the comments about other people's kids here... Yesterday was at a party where we were the only couple without an infant or toddler aged child. It was a little strange because this same group didn't have any kids just a few years ago. The kids have basically become the focus, and the same is true of our family gatherings (we have 8 nieces and nephews now).

Seeing my parents aging, and the joy they get not only out of their adult kids but their grandkids, it's given me some thoughts about our own future. I can appreciate the freedoms we do have with no kids, but I can also see much better now what we may be missing...

My husband and I agree there are benefits and challenges to each very different path (for us that's having, adopting kids, or no kids) - and that most importantly we feel we could be happy on each one. But, for having kids, we are in the right place in our lives, we have the home we want to be in, so ... we're as ready as we could be. I have a race at end of summer but after that... wish us luck, I guess!

 

[KingsCalls]

From a man's point of veiw.......If you don't want kids, then just make it plain that you don't want kids! I myself loves kids. BUT, in this day and time kids are not for everyone. Besides, I don't see much of a bright future for the next generation. The whole world is in a mess and like my brother says, "who in their right mind would want to bring a kid into this?".

 

[Crunchie]

Quote:
I agree, 110%. My husband and I planned to not have kids. When we were still dating I made it very clear that he needed to be ok with never having children if we were going to stay together, as I could not and would not promise that I would ever want them. We did recently get to the point where we did decide that we wanted to be parents...and so we started researching adoption (figured that we didn't want to bring another person into this messed up world, so why not try to make a better future for one who was already here) when surprise! I got pregnant.

Whoops. Not sorry for a minute though, I wouldn't trade being a momma to my little guy for anything. But it certainly wasn't the plan....That's ok though, plans are like rules. Made to be broken!

 

[Their Other Mother]

I was not one of those girls who wanted to be a "Mommy" when she grew up. I always imagined myself married to a dairy farmer, raising all sorts of animals and gardening! I never even thought of kids.

Then I had 3 unplanned children in 4 years that I ended up raising by myself. When I remarried at age 35 I made it very clear that I did not want anymore kids and got pregnant in the first year. Now don't go calling me irresponsible, We were following all the normal birth control measures as everyone else, but like the line from Jurassic Park "Nature some how finds a way..." When that child was 6 months old I ended up pregnant AGAIN! My husband was afraid to turn his back on me for 5 months.

So now I have 5 kids of my own, 2 step kids and I don't know how many Foster kids have been thru our home. I still don't feel like a "Mother" but I've been asked to speak at the Youth Detention Center in our neighborhood on Mothers Day because I'm considered the Ultimate Mother. My call tag is "Their Other Mother" because everyone thinks of me as Mom - the last thing I want to be remembered by. My friends tell me that God must think I'm a good Mom and that's why He sends me all these kids.

My point is this: sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit. If you are to have children I don't think you will be as disapointed with the whole process at all. I have great kids, I'm enjoying the people they have become & I can't imagine life without them.

 

[Rosalind]

I have to agree w/ Terrilacy. Kids are not something you try out.

I have heard lots of people say, "Oh, it's different when it's your own." Maybe it is for some people, sometimes. There are plenty of mothers out there who are neglectful, abusive, and just not interested--including my own mother, who didn't find it in her heart to even like me a little bit until I was a grown adult--and I'm sure everyone told THEM that it would be different with their own.

Kids are WORK. You might not mind doing work for your own kids, much in the same way that you don't mind washing your own dirty underwear, but that doesn't change the basic fact of having to do the work. It just makes it somewhat less ooky. I never did meet a parent who honestly liked cleaning up vomit and poop, only those who minded it less when it was their own kid's. However you look at it, it is tons and tons of work--much of it tedious, boring, mind-numbing, frustrating and annoying. If it was fun and joyful all the time, everyone would want to work at a day care center for $7/hour. While some women love that type of work, lots don't. I think it takes a special kind of person to really love that work, just like it takes a special kind of person to be a nurse, doctor, algebra teacher, nuclear physicist, etc.

You are not going to get the kid you want. If you assume that from the get-go, that you will not get a mini-me, I think you'll be much better off. My mother was sure she was going to get a mini-artist who would travel and do all the things she had longed to do with her life and career, and was NOT happy to get a geeky, introverted scientist. DH's dad was sure he'd get a Young Republican, and got a liberal-minded tattoo artist. I know lots of atheists and Pagans and Buddhists whose parents raised them as devout Christians, lots of devout Christians and Young Republicans whose parents are hippies, and so on. When you decide to have a child, by whatever means, you are spinning the roulette wheel. Don't place your faith in genetics or your awesome parenting skillz to get you the child you want. What you want doesn't matter, you get what you get.

Kids cost MONEY. Lots and lots of money. I'm not counting the cost of college, I'm counting the cost of extra rooms in the house/apartment, extra clothes (you won't have hand-me-downs with the first kid), extra room in the car, extra car trips to take Junior to soccer practice or ballet or what have you, field trips to wherever, babysitting, day care, and so forth. You can economize on that...up to a point. But all kids need basic care, and even pretty basic food and clothing for one human being for 18 years costs a pretty penny.

Someone already mentioned health, but even a very healthy child needs many more regular pediatrician visits than a healthy adult. My co-workers with small children use ALL their vacation and sick days to take the kids to the doctor for this, that and the other. Between pre-natal, post-natal, well-baby, vaccination schedule, semi-annual checkup, school-entry checkup and actual injury/illness visits, they are rarely at work. If you're not especially ambitious, maybe that's OK with you. But it sounds like you sure would not be happy to give up all your sick time and vacation time for someone else--and have to come to work anyway when you yourself are sick.

Kids are a strain on your relationships. All relationships. Your friends, your family, your spouse, all those relationships will change drastically and you will lose some. Some friends will be frustrated that you no longer have time for them with all the work you do for the child, or that you no longer have time for the hobbies/interests you had in common with them. Some relatives will suddenly take a prurient interest in your girly bits that is really none of their business, but they will feel entitled to it. You will find you disagree with your spouse on various minutiae of child-rearing, and you won't have as much time for your spouse because both of you will be spending 90% of your non-working time parenting.

And that's all assuming you get a healthy, relatively normal child. Lots of people don't. All of the things I've described above are what normally happens when people have children--not exceptions at all. I don't believe that having children is a job that should be taken on by anyone who isn't actively volunteering to do all those things.

You need to talk with your spouse in a very serious way and get it through his head that you really mean this and are serious about your non-interest in children. Quite honestly, I think that the decision of whether or not to have children is a marital deal-breaker, and that most people are better off finding someone they can live with happily who shares their feelings on children rather than trying to change the other person. Lots of people go the "oh, you'll change your mind" and "all _______ love children!" and "well, you'll love it once it gets here" route, and find that in fact they didn't change their minds, that child-rearing was just as awful as they had imagined (or worse), that the magical maternal hormones never did kick in, that they did not love the child when it got there. It's just not socially acceptable for women to say out loud, "being a mother really sucks and I hated every minute of it. It's poop-work, and you couldn't pay me a million dollars a second to do it again." I know a lot of men cannot imagine a woman who doesn't love children, and they have this idea in their heads that All Wimmins Lurve Baybeez; don't know if your spouse is in this camp, but you might have a hard time dispelling this notion, is what I'm saying.

Good luck to you. I think you will need it. Personally, I'm in your camp--I've never liked kids in the least, even when they were related to me. Just so you know you're not alone.

 

[tiffanyh]

I want to add my $0.02

I have two children and still have a hard time enjoying other peoples kids...

I have finished countless novels with two children and a full time job in the 5 years they have been around!

I have chickens, goats, rabbits and an active aviary.

Oh and I am renovating our 300 year old house with my husband!

It tough and worth it all. I have never lost a sense of myself. When I am working, I feel like the same person I was before I had kids. But my daughter is as obsessed with animals. Thankfully!

Dont be fooled into thinking that your heart isnt going to be with your child, but that doesnt mean you are going to be happy with the toll it takes on your life. Remember though, if your husband wants them that badly and you dont, resentment one way or another might creep up on either side depending on what you decide. THat can be tough on your marriage. Even if he take the nuturing role, you are the mother and a child need your nurturing too.

Good luck with your decision.