I know I don't get on here a lot...it's just been so darned busy. Plus the turkey chicks are taking FOREVER to get here gah. Anyway. I need to rant a little. I have this one friend whom I've known for around 14 years. We were inseperable growing up, and even when I moved and changed schools a lot we still managed to stay in touch. She made a lot of friends during her years in a private institution while I had two good ones, due to my constant moving about. Now, in college, I've lost touch with these two friends of mine and they don't seem interested in returning emails or calls from their out of state universities. For the past two years or so I've been hanging out a lot with my childhood BFF, let's just call her Friendswag, and the rest of the "gang" i.e. her friends whom I've gotten to know through association. A few of them, I thought I'd grown close to. In the handful of adventures we shared we always seemed to have a good time, would hang out between classes, etc.. But lately, it's just been...bah. Here's where the whiney part comes in -- they ignore me. Especially Friendswag, who never calls just to say hi or stops by or hangs out with me just because, although she certainly does so with everybody else. I can never seem to get ahold of her, through texting or calling, and whenever I stop by her house she's constantly somewhere else, doing fun stuff. I don't like bugging her like this because then it feels as if I am "fishing" for her friendship, you know? Like forcing it on her when she so obviously doesn't want anything to do with me. She's always doing crap with those other people, who lately are behaving in a similar fashion toward me. I know I must be jealous...I'm happy she is so popular, she used to really not be when we were younger...but I feel so...unwanted, by her and these kids whom I had once thought to be my friends. I even caved in and signed up for a Facebook account in an attempt to be more part of the group, but this has just reaffirmed everything. My page remains ignored unless I make outward attempts at communication, and even then it seems fake. Throughout the years, as an introverted only child who moved around a lot with her mother, I've grown accostomed to being alone. I've never been one of those people who can just go out and make a buttload of friends...I've always only had a few really close ones, and that was it...but, I like to think I'm a good friend. I can not tell you how many times I've supported Friendswag or some of the other gang, I'm loyal, I'm not mean-spirited and I ain't shy. I really do try to talk and be friendly with these peeps but it seldom is returned. I'm just left out and ignored. Now that it's summer, I bet I won't hear one peep from Friendswag or ANY of them now that they don't have to see me on campus. I could probably die today and none of them would notice. I am stuck at home, in this horrible little podunk city, doing nothing but practicing music and art and always, always alone, day after day after day, while Friendswag conveniently forgets promises to me and is so very wrapped up in her own social life. Her 20th birthday? Quite a few showed up to shower her with praise. My 21st...just two, my mother and her boyfriend. It was a lovely celebration...don't get me wrong, I don't hold much stock in b-days anyway...but I can tell you Friendswag didn't even give me a simple call. And I can bet her 21st in another month will be this huge magnificent bash filled with her legions of fans. I'm not jealous of this, but it does underline the point. I tell myself I don't need them, I can just make "new" friends at the new Uni I'm transferring to this fall if it's really that important, we've grown apart, blah blah blah...that I'm above moping over the attention (or should it be in-attention) of people. "Who needs friends anyway." But it still hurts. It's made me bitter and quite a bit more of a cynic than I've been in the past. Self-affirmed loner or not, I miss the good times and I can't seem to figure out what it is about me that repels my so-called "friends". So...sorry for the self-absorbed whine-fest. I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just that....sometimes I get a little depressed when I remember that my mother is just about the only person who honestly seems to give a sh**. Maybe I should just accept that at least my animals will always be there for me.