Whiney thread. I'm fed up with "friends".

[bantamamba]

I know I don't get on here a lot...it's just been so darned busy. Plus the turkey chicks are taking FOREVER to get here gah. Anyway. I need to rant a little.

I have this one friend whom I've known for around 14 years. We were inseperable growing up, and even when I moved and changed schools a lot we still managed to stay in touch. She made a lot of friends during her years in a private institution while I had two good ones, due to my constant moving about. Now, in college, I've lost touch with these two friends of mine and they don't seem interested in returning emails or calls from their out of state universities.

For the past two years or so I've been hanging out a lot with my childhood BFF, let's just call her Friendswag, and the rest of the "gang" i.e. her friends whom I've gotten to know through association. A few of them, I thought I'd grown close to. In the handful of adventures we shared we always seemed to have a good time, would hang out between classes, etc.. But lately, it's just been...bah. Here's where the whiney part comes in -- they ignore me. Especially Friendswag, who never calls just to say hi or stops by or hangs out with me just because, although she certainly does so with everybody else. I can never seem to get ahold of her, through texting or calling, and whenever I stop by her house she's constantly somewhere else, doing fun stuff. I don't like bugging her like this because then it feels as if I am "fishing" for her friendship, you know? Like forcing it on her when she so obviously doesn't want anything to do with me.

She's always doing crap with those other people, who lately are behaving in a similar fashion toward me. I know I must be jealous...I'm happy she is so popular, she used to really not be when we were younger...but I feel so...unwanted, by her and these kids whom I had once thought to be my friends. I even caved in and signed up for a Facebook account in an attempt to be more part of the group, but this has just reaffirmed everything. My page remains ignored unless I make outward attempts at communication, and even then it seems fake.

Throughout the years, as an introverted only child who moved around a lot with her mother, I've grown accostomed to being alone. I've never been one of those people who can just go out and make a buttload of friends...I've always only had a few really close ones, and that was it...but, I like to think I'm a good friend. I can not tell you how many times I've supported Friendswag or some of the other gang, I'm loyal, I'm not mean-spirited and I ain't shy. I really do try to talk and be friendly with these peeps but it seldom is returned. I'm just left out and ignored. Now that it's summer, I bet I won't hear one peep from Friendswag or ANY of them now that they don't have to see me on campus. I could probably die today and none of them would notice.

I am stuck at home, in this horrible little podunk city, doing nothing but practicing music and art and always, always alone, day after day after day, while Friendswag conveniently forgets promises to me and is so very wrapped up in her own social life. Her 20th birthday? Quite a few showed up to shower her with praise. My 21st...just two, my mother and her boyfriend. It was a lovely celebration...don't get me wrong, I don't hold much stock in b-days anyway...but I can tell you Friendswag didn't even give me a simple call. And I can bet her 21st in another month will be this huge magnificent bash filled with her legions of fans. I'm not jealous of this, but it does underline the point.

I tell myself I don't need them, I can just make "new" friends at the new Uni I'm transferring to this fall if it's really that important, we've grown apart, blah blah blah...that I'm above moping over the attention (or should it be in-attention) of people. "Who needs friends anyway." But it still hurts. It's made me bitter and quite a bit more of a cynic than I've been in the past. Self-affirmed loner or not, I miss the good times and I can't seem to figure out what it is about me that repels my so-called "friends".

So...sorry for the self-absorbed whine-fest. I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just that....sometimes I get a little depressed when I remember that my mother is just about the only person who honestly seems to give a sh**. Maybe I should just accept that at least my animals will always be there for me.

 

[redhen]

I'm sorry..

Honestly..i would not follow someone around...
stop contacting her.. if shes a true friend she'll contact YOU to see if you are okay...
If she dosent.. well..then.. why would you want her as a friend anyways??
Just keep busy with school and reading and your critters...

 

[bantamamba]

Yeah. I've decided that I am going to quit "following her around" as you put it (lol, but true) and forget about her. Move on. My prob is I don't know how someone who has been with me through thick and thin for so long can drop all ties just like that and be such an a**hat. The other people? Fine, I can live with that. But her? I never thought it would happen. Maybe it's me...too sentimental and not ready to accept that my childhood BFF will suddenly have nothing to do with me. I was too naive to think we'd continue our friendship into adulthood. Since when does that happen anyway.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Could be that Friendswag and her friends just aren't your Peeps. It's hard to be friends with folks who don't reach out to you as you do to them. Your REAL friends are out there waiting for you and you will find them when the time is right. In the meantime, take a little break and just enjoy being with yourself and getting to know your self better. Sometimes just letting go of things that don't fit any more will bring new and wonderful things into your life.

Spring is here, the weather is gorgeous, and there are so many beautiful things in nature to make you smile. I always feel really 'connected' when I'm outside working in the garden or tending a critter. Don't dispair, the sun is always there even if clouds hide the light.

Aunt Bea

 

[SilverPhoenix]

I know this feeling all too well. One of my best friends from middle school on became kind of like this. She and I used to be so close and spend practically all of our free time together. Throughout high school, she became quite the social butterfly and makes friends all over the place, whereas she pretty much ignores me now. It's partly because she moved about three hours away for college (I do visit from time-to-time, though), but eventually I just kind of gave up on seeking out her attention. I don't contact her much, and I leave it up to her to contact me when she wants to. I still consider her a friend, but I've learned not to expect loyalty and contact out of her on any regular basis. When she does call or I do see her, we have a good time, and then we go back to our separate lives, it seems. Another one of my friends kind of did the same thing. We were very close, and then she got more busy with her classes and work and stopped contacting me. It seems she's made some other friends that she has time for, but not for me. Every time I try to make plans with her, they fall through, so again I've just stopped trying and allow her to contact me when she wants to. Maybe someday she'll realize she misses me and make time for me, and maybe not and I'll just have to accept that people grow apart.

I hate to say it because I'm a very loyal person, too, who truly wants to be friends forever with all of my friends, but sometimes we've just got to let people do what they do. If a friendship seems just to be one-sided and you're the one doing all the contacting, something isn't right. I've since discovered who my real friends are--people who call and contact me on their own without prodding, and regularly make time to spend with me even if they're busy. Sometimes that means I'm a bit lonely because I don't seem to have that super-magnetic draw some people have (like you were saying), but I know at least the friends who do contact me and spend time with me care about me and have an interest in keeping our friendship going, which means a lot to me. It's good to care about someone and have them return the interest and care to you.

I know it's sad and frustrating to be in that situation.

Hang in there, you will make more friends, and ones who care about you. And it could be that eventually your friend realizes that she misses you and reaches out to you again. I think it really is better to not put a ton of effort into friendships where the other person puts nothing in, though, it's just disappointing and undermines the value of your caring for that person.

Good luck, I hope you make some better friends soon!

 

[redhen]

Quote:
I know what you mean.. and it does hurt..
but you deserve better.. a REAL friend...

 

[bantamamba]

Quote:
Ah, to be more articulate in my words such as you...! Your situations are incredibly similar. Friendswag...who draws people to her like moths to a bugzapper, always busy but makes time for multitudes of other people whilst never for me. Same with the falling-through plans as well. Believe it or not she and I were supposed to go to San Francisco this last weekend for three days. It was planned for two months in advance, at least. I was SO looking for it. She was too, as far as I could tell...I was going to show her all the little off the beaten trail places I know so well in that city, as she had once told me all she knew was Fisherman's Wharf as her family frustratingly refused to explore anywhere else. A great trip for the end of the semester.
Then at the last minute a few days before we were to depart I call to make sure she was still coming...and "remind" her, as she had asked...and she tells me no, another friend of hers was having graduation that weekend (which turned out to not be the case, his graduation is still for a few weeks) and she just didn't know. Disappointing beyond words, but to tell you the truth, I was expecting her to drop out all along, as she always does whenever we happen to plan something. I am so done with this.

You're right...it is tiring having to prod her all the time, at this point it is an enitrely one-sided relationship and I have better things to do than stress over maintaining something that isn't even really there to begin with, pouring energy into something that only gives me a negative return. I'm just going to let it be. It she contacts me (which is always a surprise), than fine...but no more of this clingyness. It is my nature to be loyal and I think that is a large part of my angst over this. I still care about her and will probably continue to do so for some time, even if it is not returned or unwarranted.

Aunt Bea - Gosh, thank you, I almost cried.

Okay so...many thanks to everyone who took the time to read through my rant and respond, you've all really helped me put this in perspective. It's already helped tons to just put this out there and get some insight.

 

[Chickenmaven]

OP - you said it best; this is "one sided." You will feel better w/o this in your life. I was bestest buds for years with a woman who used me as a sounding board and audience. I didn't get much out of my interactions with her, because it was all about her. The day I realized the truth, I was free to quit the relationship. Done. It was like escaping.

You are escaping a situation that casts you as "less." You can now put energy into things that build you up!

 

[gettinaclue]

I understand completely. Been there, done that.

I can tell you, now that I'm older (pushing 36) I'm much more comfortable not having all those "friends". I enjoy the few friends that I have. I know they are good friends and that is worth more to me than all the acqaintances I've had.

I don't get together with my friends much as we are all raising families, raising families in different states, or just going thru life. Most times, one or the other will call once a month or so to catch up and that will be that until next month or even the month after. I don't mind it. I like being alone mostly. I have my children and husband and the beginnings of a hobby farm to keep me occupied and I have never been more happy.

I hope you find your way soon - with or with out Friendswag.

 

[herfrds]

Been there, done that and bought the T-shirt.

I was taught going through school to not try to make friends. They cannot be counted on and they were only your friend because they wanted something. I was bullied alot.

When I got married my DH introduced me to one of his classmates. She became my best friend.
We went to auctions, ate chinese food, horse training seminars, went to the PBR and more things then I can thing of. We had a blast.

When we got busy we would suddenly recall that we hadn't called each other. 3 weeks was the longest. we were both harvesting our crops.

I can go on and on about this friendship.

Now think of this, somewhere out there is someone who will be that friend, someone you can always count on. You won't know it til after awhile that that is this person.
enjoy every minute with them and cherish it.