And sometimes it is ok to put toxic people out of your life, Mother or not.
Micah
Micah
Why can't you just be proud of me?
- Thread starter Tala
- Start date
- Apr 2, 2008
- 219
- 7
- 131
I agree with many of the above posters. My mom is always shocked when I accomplish something. It comes across that she never thoght I could do something; I am expecting my kids to fulfill THEIR dreams, not mine.
I think it's the fact that she can't imagine a life where you seriously *dont care* about "what the neighbors think" Like you I want to act loving, moral, and kind towards others. My furniture and my income, I could give two craps about as long as the kids are provided for and I have chicken scratch.
It's about her unfulfilled dreams and her complexes about what others think about her. Let it go. I just feel bad that she has that pressure in her life, and I am happy that I don't.
I think it's the fact that she can't imagine a life where you seriously *dont care* about "what the neighbors think" Like you I want to act loving, moral, and kind towards others. My furniture and my income, I could give two craps about as long as the kids are provided for and I have chicken scratch.
It's about her unfulfilled dreams and her complexes about what others think about her. Let it go. I just feel bad that she has that pressure in her life, and I am happy that I don't.
Quote:
It is not enough for a child to "know" that their parent loves them and is proud.....they need to hear it from them. Why some folks have kids is beyond me. It seems they want to continue to live vicariously through them instead of letting their children grow up and make their own way in life.
Yes, it's hard to see them make mistakes sometimes...but that is how they learn. Why is it some parents have such a hard time saying "I love you"...."I'm so proud of you"...."You are a great success"..."I'm pulling for you"....
Instead they criticize, manipulate, take over, and crush their children's dreams and aspirations....I do NOT understand this....
It is not enough for a child to "know" that their parent loves them and is proud.....they need to hear it from them. Why some folks have kids is beyond me. It seems they want to continue to live vicariously through them instead of letting their children grow up and make their own way in life.
Yes, it's hard to see them make mistakes sometimes...but that is how they learn. Why is it some parents have such a hard time saying "I love you"...."I'm so proud of you"...."You are a great success"..."I'm pulling for you"....
Instead they criticize, manipulate, take over, and crush their children's dreams and aspirations....I do NOT understand this....
Quote:
Sometimes there is stuff under the surface that you can't see - I never could understand why my mother was such a "social climber" on my behalf. Wanted me to hang around the right people, was fanatical about my grades and attendance. Drove me nuts that she had such specific goals for me.
It wasn't until years later that I got her side of the story - the oldest (and only girl) of 3 of an Okie Dust Bowl refugee family, she was pulled out of school in the 6th grade to work in the fields (alongside her parents) because the family didn't have enough money to send all the kids to school and education was really only necessary for boys. Then at 15 she was married off to the "foreman" who did a lot of the field assignments. He died when she was 19, and she went a tad wild - moved off to LA, hung around jazz musicians, got in all kinds of trouble, married a Navy flyboy who was killed in the Pacific.
By the time my father met her, she'd put all of that behind, educated herself by reading, and "climbed" her way into the middle class. I'm not sure she ever told my father about her past or previous 2 marriages - she didn't tell me until I was 21 and had been out of the house (under noisy and acrimonious circumstances) for 4 years.
She died of cancer when I was 25 and we'd completely and thoroughly reconciled by that point. Even when we were fighting it was always clear that she loved me deeply - that wasn't the problem, it was expectations and the fact that she wanted to arrange my life to her satisfaction. Now I'm 51, have 4 college degrees (literature, engineering, geology) that I refused to try for then. She's been dead more than half my life now and yet I think of her every day. In fact, one of the reasons that I got chickens is that she talked longingly about the little Barred Rock that was her friend - and, what do you know, my BR named Billie is my most friendly and curious chicken.
Sometimes there is stuff under the surface that you can't see - I never could understand why my mother was such a "social climber" on my behalf. Wanted me to hang around the right people, was fanatical about my grades and attendance. Drove me nuts that she had such specific goals for me.
It wasn't until years later that I got her side of the story - the oldest (and only girl) of 3 of an Okie Dust Bowl refugee family, she was pulled out of school in the 6th grade to work in the fields (alongside her parents) because the family didn't have enough money to send all the kids to school and education was really only necessary for boys. Then at 15 she was married off to the "foreman" who did a lot of the field assignments. He died when she was 19, and she went a tad wild - moved off to LA, hung around jazz musicians, got in all kinds of trouble, married a Navy flyboy who was killed in the Pacific.
By the time my father met her, she'd put all of that behind, educated herself by reading, and "climbed" her way into the middle class. I'm not sure she ever told my father about her past or previous 2 marriages - she didn't tell me until I was 21 and had been out of the house (under noisy and acrimonious circumstances) for 4 years.
She died of cancer when I was 25 and we'd completely and thoroughly reconciled by that point. Even when we were fighting it was always clear that she loved me deeply - that wasn't the problem, it was expectations and the fact that she wanted to arrange my life to her satisfaction. Now I'm 51, have 4 college degrees (literature, engineering, geology) that I refused to try for then. She's been dead more than half my life now and yet I think of her every day. In fact, one of the reasons that I got chickens is that she talked longingly about the little Barred Rock that was her friend - and, what do you know, my BR named Billie is my most friendly and curious chicken.
I signed a contract to buy a brand new house in a neat little brand new subdivision -- by myself, with no cosignors or co-owners -- when I was 21 years old. When I told my mom the next day that I'd signed a contract to buy a house, I was sorta halfway expecting her to be proud.
I dunno why, but I was..
Her response was "WHAT?!?! CAN YOU GET OUT OF IT!?!?!!!?!"
Uhhhhh...I don't want out of it. Did you hear what I just said? Your 21 year old son just signed a contract to purchase a home, and he didn't ask you for a dime or any help whatsoever.. Does that mean anything to you?
Nope...she proceeded to tell me what a POS it was going to be, and how she just couldn't believe I'd do that without even telling anyone, blah blah blah. Needless to say, it was yet another potentially great day in my life RUINED, which was awesome.
We don't speak anymore, btw. We did for quite a few miserable years after that, but then I went through a real tragedy that she tried to make ALL ABOUT HER and I was pretty much done. Haven't spoken in...two years, I guess?
I'm OK with that. She whines to our family about how broken up she is over the whole thing, yet never tries to contact me.. She's like that, though...wants everyone's sympathy and for everyone to follow her around making sure she doesn't fall to pieces. Boo hoo.. Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo hoo..
Oh well. Better someone else's chore than mine.
I dunno why, but I was..
Her response was "WHAT?!?! CAN YOU GET OUT OF IT!?!?!!!?!"
Uhhhhh...I don't want out of it. Did you hear what I just said? Your 21 year old son just signed a contract to purchase a home, and he didn't ask you for a dime or any help whatsoever.. Does that mean anything to you?
Nope...she proceeded to tell me what a POS it was going to be, and how she just couldn't believe I'd do that without even telling anyone, blah blah blah. Needless to say, it was yet another potentially great day in my life RUINED, which was awesome.
We don't speak anymore, btw. We did for quite a few miserable years after that, but then I went through a real tragedy that she tried to make ALL ABOUT HER and I was pretty much done. Haven't spoken in...two years, I guess?
I'm OK with that. She whines to our family about how broken up she is over the whole thing, yet never tries to contact me.. She's like that, though...wants everyone's sympathy and for everyone to follow her around making sure she doesn't fall to pieces. Boo hoo.. Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo hoo..
Oh well. Better someone else's chore than mine.
cmjust0-
Micah
Micah
Tala.. go for the EMT! Thats a great job!
Quote:
I know people like that - we call them emotional vampires! They just suck the life right outta ya! On the other hand and I can see me freaking out if my young adult announced they had purchased a house. It isn't that I don't trust them and aren't proud of them, it's just knowing that a house can go very wrong very fast. I know a young couple that bought a house together last year and I tried to talk them out of it because I was afraid of exactly what happened - they broke up and now the house is a HUGE problem....
Anyway, I am proud of you and feel sorry for your mom missing out on you. Y'know she really needed you to be a mess so she would have more to talk about!
I know people like that - we call them emotional vampires! They just suck the life right outta ya! On the other hand and I can see me freaking out if my young adult announced they had purchased a house. It isn't that I don't trust them and aren't proud of them, it's just knowing that a house can go very wrong very fast. I know a young couple that bought a house together last year and I tried to talk them out of it because I was afraid of exactly what happened - they broke up and now the house is a HUGE problem....
Anyway, I am proud of you and feel sorry for your mom missing out on you. Y'know she really needed you to be a mess so she would have more to talk about!
Tala,
I can sympathize as I was/still am in the same boat you are.
3 out of 4 grandparents of mine did not speak English until they were close to 10 years old, children of immigrants. Other grandma struggled on a small sugar beet farm in northern MI. As a result, all the grandparents worked their butts off to improve their station in life as did my parents in turn. Even though I was competing at Class A shows in high school with decent grades (mostly B's, occasional A or C), nothing I did was ever good enough. It didn't help that I had a younger brother who OPTED to go to Catholic school while I chose to stay in public. Not only that, he got straight A's, was a great football player (his team won state champs twice) and was very popular to boot. I never went to a high school dance, something my father was very disappointed in. After high school, I took off just to get away and struggled on my own working 2 or even 3 jobs.
My brother entered college as I began competing in endurance riding. However, after winning ride after ride and being the youngest person ever to win a 70 mile ride, my parents focused on my brother being a red-shirt freshman at a Big 10 college.
I began at community college at age 21 as my brother got a good chunk of playing time. My parents always had stuff from his college--bumper stickers, sweatshirts, etc ...--while they looked with disdain on my small community college. Despite graduating college magna cum laude, nothing could compare with my brother completing his masters while being a football player also graduating magna cum laude. He was even scouted by the Pittsburgh Steelers the year they won the Super Bowl in Detroit. He instead works for an oil company, making $85,000 a year out of college. I've been working as a part time librarian, making $8,000 a year.
Now, the majority of brother's friends are NFL players or went on to become medical doctors. One even won $50,000 on Fear Factor. At my brother's very posh wedding, dad took lots of pictures of me with my escort (an Oakland Raider) and none of me and my husband. My dad always encourages me, in front of DH, that I should begin seeing my brother's friends. Dad also tells me I should give up on this whole hobby farm thing and get a job in the city. I finally told him that I was more interested in my happiness than making money and I would never be happy in the city.
Of course my father and to a lesser extent my mother will trek all around the Midwest to go with brother to football games, but they show no interest in my endurance riding. Even when I win, it's "Oh, that's nice dear. DId you know your brother went to Napa with Oakland Raider friend?" My mother, even though she likes horses, wants to know when I plan to "retire." I'm only 29! Most competitors are in their 60s!
Tala,
Do what makes you happy and to heck with anyone else. Though I do struggle with self-esteem issues, I'm still living a happy, productive life.
I can sympathize as I was/still am in the same boat you are.
3 out of 4 grandparents of mine did not speak English until they were close to 10 years old, children of immigrants. Other grandma struggled on a small sugar beet farm in northern MI. As a result, all the grandparents worked their butts off to improve their station in life as did my parents in turn. Even though I was competing at Class A shows in high school with decent grades (mostly B's, occasional A or C), nothing I did was ever good enough. It didn't help that I had a younger brother who OPTED to go to Catholic school while I chose to stay in public. Not only that, he got straight A's, was a great football player (his team won state champs twice) and was very popular to boot. I never went to a high school dance, something my father was very disappointed in. After high school, I took off just to get away and struggled on my own working 2 or even 3 jobs.
My brother entered college as I began competing in endurance riding. However, after winning ride after ride and being the youngest person ever to win a 70 mile ride, my parents focused on my brother being a red-shirt freshman at a Big 10 college.
I began at community college at age 21 as my brother got a good chunk of playing time. My parents always had stuff from his college--bumper stickers, sweatshirts, etc ...--while they looked with disdain on my small community college. Despite graduating college magna cum laude, nothing could compare with my brother completing his masters while being a football player also graduating magna cum laude. He was even scouted by the Pittsburgh Steelers the year they won the Super Bowl in Detroit. He instead works for an oil company, making $85,000 a year out of college. I've been working as a part time librarian, making $8,000 a year.
Now, the majority of brother's friends are NFL players or went on to become medical doctors. One even won $50,000 on Fear Factor. At my brother's very posh wedding, dad took lots of pictures of me with my escort (an Oakland Raider) and none of me and my husband. My dad always encourages me, in front of DH, that I should begin seeing my brother's friends. Dad also tells me I should give up on this whole hobby farm thing and get a job in the city. I finally told him that I was more interested in my happiness than making money and I would never be happy in the city.
Of course my father and to a lesser extent my mother will trek all around the Midwest to go with brother to football games, but they show no interest in my endurance riding. Even when I win, it's "Oh, that's nice dear. DId you know your brother went to Napa with Oakland Raider friend?" My mother, even though she likes horses, wants to know when I plan to "retire." I'm only 29! Most competitors are in their 60s!
Tala,
Do what makes you happy and to heck with anyone else. Though I do struggle with self-esteem issues, I'm still living a happy, productive life.
My DH's mother is the problem here, my husband is a great provider works hard has a 2 year degree in business. He is just not the kind of guy to work in an office. He likes working with big tonka trucks. His mother is always bugging him about one thing or another, We got chickens she says "oh those things are dirty and noisy and mean" his sister's daughter gets chickens its the neatest thing. We have more then one dog it drives her crazy she is always calling and saying how much she worries about us because my DH is not making as much as my brother in law makes me sick, why can't parents just accept who their kids are. I have never tried to tell my kids what job they had to do or what kind of collage to go to, I try very hard to make sure that I support them in what ever makes them happy. I would just tell your mom the truth you are happy right now I would go into EMT training if that is what you want. One thing I have leaned is enjoy and do what you enjoy because life is to short to be in a job that makes you unhappy. good luck and I would be proud if you were my child.
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