why why why

[hdowden]

ok so my ex left me last year in april and moved 2 hours away. we have 2 kids together as well. well he has moved back and i am afraid that he might want to come back. he hasnt been the nicest to me and we have been on and off 5-6 times. 3-4 of those times he left he moved in with friends and once they were gone he came back, the other 2 times he moved back in with his family. to me it seems like he always picks his friends over his family. if we are together and a lone even now he treats me really nice but when theres someone else around be it friend or family he treats me bad. several nights he has called me and just listened without really saying a word and one night i was doing something online for him and he was falling asleep and i asked him if he could just stay on the phone even if he fell asleep like he used to and he did. everyone around says he doesnt desearve me and i am to good for him. well heres my problem: my head tells me not to go back and my heart tells me i love him but every ounce of me says we are ment to be. i read a quote not to long ago that said: dont follow your head because it has no heart, dont follow your heart because it has no brain but follow your soul for it has both. i'm so confused right now by the way he acts and treats me at times and for the way i feel for him. its been almost a year and i still hurt dand cry over him. he posted a pic on facebook and my heart skipped a few beats, i had butterflies in my tummy, and i could hardly breath for the last time i saw him was christmas and he took my breath away. i so dont know what to do anymore about my feelings for him. i really want to work things out with him and be his wife but i dont trully know how he feels about me (if he still loves me or not)

 

[zippitydooda]

While I am not familiar with your history with this man, I do have a few opinions about where you are in regard to the relationship with him.

1. You have a children together. You MUST maintain a civil relationship for their sake. Communication should be between you two, never "through" the children. Don't ever ask them to give him any message, and never, ever "grill" the children for information about him. Do NOT ever say anything bad to your child about him. Your children are half him and half you. That would be very hurtful and it is not your place to shape any opinions they might have of him.

2. He is an EX for a reason. Maybe for several reasons. Think about why you two split up. Sometimes women who are lonely settle for something and could do much better. You do not deserve to be used. Ever. He does not get to treat you bad in front of other people and be "nice" to you in private. He is manipulating you when he does this, and that is being used.

3. You will ALWAYS have some loving feelings for him. That does not necessarily mean you should be with him, much less marry this guy. You and he have a history, and that is hard to let go of. Go ahead and grieve the loss of this relationship and MOVE ON.

I don't know you, but I've been where you are. I wish someone had been blunt with me and told me these things. It would have prevented A LOT of heartache. You are in my prayers.

 

[frostbite]

Consider joint counseling. Might help clarify some things.

 

[zzGypsy]

sounds like a tough and complicated situation.

before you make any decisions, I'd suggest the two of you see a marriage counselor for a couple of months, work out some of the things that get in your way. it'll really help you to be clear what's just emotion and what makes practical sense. it's really hard on your kids to be on-again-off-again... don't pull them through that knot hole again without being sure.

if he treats you well in private, but badly in front of others, there are some serious issues there he needs to work on. if he's not willing to work on those, without moving in with you, I don't think I'd be letting him in the door.

 

[hdowden]

hes really hard to talk to and only really talks when he feels like it no matter what the subject is and he will even try and get me to discuss things with his "friends" (he's had a lot of so called friends that have used him and kicked him to the curb) when it doesnt even involve them and it makes me mad (in better terms). he knows what its like to not have his biological father around as well but he just seems so determined to get what he wants that he puts everyone to the side but himself. i really dont know how to explain him in words that doesnt sound confusing.

i do believe that profesional counsling would really help us instead of him just talking to his mom or his grandmother, but the problem with that is he believes that if you have to go to counsling the relationship isnt worth it. our oldest is 3 and i have watched him cry because he misses daddy and i cant help but break down myself, away from him as i dont want him to see me crying.

he's also very infulanced by his friends and the biggest problem with his friends is that most of them dont have kids so they dont really know the sacraffices that are made and they seem to always talk him into going out while i end up staying home (yes getting out is a much needed part but not every single time your invited to go as you do have more responsablities). he's always inviting his friends over (again i usally have bad feelings about most of them that have turned out true) every night and goes as far as inviting them to move in, so theres really no me and him time at all. i dont mind his friends coming over just not every night and i wish he would ask me before inviting them over to see if i have any plans or what not and of course i wish he wouldnt invite them to move in. so many times his friends have gotten in between us.

 

[newfoundland]

I don't know how old you are but you both sound very young. Whereas you are a mature young lady, it seems to me that your ex is very immature. His need to impress and have constant contact with his friends, his putting you down in front of others yet being nice to you when alone. These are signs of immaturity. Seems to me that you are both mixed up about your feelings for each other, and perhaps, if he is reluctant to go for councilling, then you certainly need to talk things out together for the sake of your children as well as yourselves. Take time over this, it's worth progressing slowly in a non judgemental way. Nothing will be solved if you put each other's back up. Could a parent look after the children while you have some undisturbed time to talk?

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Have you thought about going in for counseling/therapy just for you, whether he eventually shows interest in going or not? It may help you with coping mechanisms for dealing with someone who may never change, and may help you get a different view on the relationship, or a deeper understanding of all the dynamics going on and ways to deal with them.

Have you dated widely, or is he a first or one of a few serious relationships? Sometimes not having a wider bank of experiences can really skew our perceptions. I have known several friends who though guy or girl X was the one, but had an opportunity to see and meet other people when person X called it quits. I use the word opportunity, because that is what it ended up being for them. The hurt and confusion and feelings for person X didn't go away right away, and maybe never completely, but they found peace and a healthy, rewarding relationship with other people.


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I can only imagine how confusing that is. It is not behavior that is respectful of you or your feelings. It is behavior that has helped him get what he wants, when he wants it, and on his terms. Being treated sweetly in private and poorly in public manipulates your feelings. It may make one feel like they have a special bond with someone, because they feel they are the only ones who get to see the other person's 'softer side'. It may make one feel like the person isn't *really* being hurtful, because the person is so sweet to them at times. It may make one feel that they should wait and hold on to bring out the sweet side they've seen. It may make one feel like they are to blame for the public attacks. It can lead to a whole host of confusing and conflicting emotions and thoughts. I hope you find someone, such as a therapist, to help you untangle and explore what thoughts and feelings you are having, because you definitely don't have to do it alone. I think it is great that you are really trying to question and understand your relationship with this guy, and what it means for you and your kids.

 

[Mahonri]

... he needs to grow up and if he doesn't, you need to let go. .... and that's the way it is.

Once there is a wife and CHILDREN involved, you put friends SECOND and family FIRST.

 

[sourland]

... he needs to grow up and if he doesn't, you need to let go. .... and that's the way it is.

Once there is a wife and CHILDREN involved, you put friends SECOND and family FIRST.

Absolutely! Please go for individual counseling, and don't let him come 'home' until both of you have received counseling. Right now he offers you nothing but more pain -

 

[chickened]

Sit down with him alone just the two of you and tell each other what your dislikes and likes about each other are and what you expect from each other. Does he really know what a marriage is? do you? of the many things it is it is an agreement. You can involve a counselor but if one party does not want any part of that that is not going to contribute to your success at pleasing each other. Besides most people already know the problems and the solutions which in your case is you all need to spend more time together to build your marriage. He cannot build it with his buddies... tell him that. Be prepared to hear what he has to say also. Some men are oblivious to the fact that a woman NEEDS their husband and it is a simple enlightenment that is needed for them to see this and most men once they realize this do know what to do, for the most part. Do not use the kids as leverage but do tell him they need a daddy and he is their daddy. Be prepared to go above and beyond with him if you feel he is worth it. If not move on you are not his mommy.