why why why

[cassie]

Just my two cents worth. I think counseling is in order, but not necessarily joint. For your own welfare you need to work through some of your own issues. Like why you are willing to be treated the way he treats you. Do you think on some level you deserve it? Do you think he will change? Do you think you can change him? Are you in love with him or are you in love with the man you wish he was? You might very well find that the person you are in love with and the person he is are not the same person. Take a legal pad and write down all the things you like about the man and your relationship. Then write down all the things you don't like about him and your relationship. You might also write down what you would like in a partner and a relationship. Ask yourself if this is how you want to be treated for the rest of your life. Once you get your head screwed on straight your heart will follow.

I can't tell you what do do, but I can tell you this. You cannot change another person no matter how hard you try. They have to do that for themselves and they will do that only if they want to. And there is probably a very good reason why his friends kicked him to the curb. Methinks he may have tried to treat them the way he treats you and they wouldn't tolerate it.

 

[un-named543]

The best predictor of future behavior (how he is going to treat you) is past behavior. If I am reading your post right, it sounds like he has left several times and chooses friends over family. If this is really the kind of treatment you want for the rest of your life, then please get back together with him. Personally I think you deserve better.

 

[frostbite]

The reason I usually suggest joint counseling is that I assumed from what the OP posted that she still had a longing for a good relationship with this man. If he isn't willing, that's a useful clue. Individual counseling is useful too, but I find that in any dysfunctional relationship, there are two people participating in it. I've never known a case where one party was all evil and one was all victim. Perceptions are more important than reality, and having a forum with an impartial moderator for sorting out what's really going on is important. If the relationship has any hope of continuing, it needs to involve both parties in one way or another. Especially when there are children involved, joint counseling can help a couple work out a cooperative plan of behavior for the sake of their children, even if they can't ever be together themselves.

Every situation is unique, of course, and the only one here with enough data to either make or judge a decision is the OP.

 

[SillyChicken]

To me, someone like that is just a user, and why should he change if he can just keep taking advantage of you and treating you like crap? He treats you like crap because he knows what he is, and he has no respect for you, because you allow it!

 

[zippitydooda]

Just my two cents worth. I think counseling is in order, but not necessarily joint. For your own welfare you need to work through some of your own issues. Like why you are willing to be treated the way he treats you. Do you think on some level you deserve it? Do you think he will change? Do you think you can change him? Are you in love with him or are you in love with the man you wish he was? You might very well find that the person you are in love with and the person he is are not the same person. Take a legal pad and write down all the things you like about the man and your relationship. Then write down all the things you don't like about him and your relationship. You might also write down what you would like in a partner and a relationship. Ask yourself if this is how you want to be treated for the rest of your life. Once you get your head screwed on straight your heart will follow.

I can't tell you what do do, but I can tell you this. You cannot change another person no matter how hard you try. They have to do that for themselves and they will do that only if they want to. And there is probably a very good reason why his friends kicked him to the curb. Methinks he may have tried to treat them the way he treats you and they wouldn't tolerate it.

This is EXCELLENT advice. Consider that all of us are impartial and don't know anything about either of you except what you've told us. Why would we steer you in the wrong direction? We wouldn't.

 

[hdowden]

from what his friends have said and i have heard, they left him because of his immaturity and respectfulness. the friends he moved in with say he's family but he wasnt suppossed to move back here until june or july according to his grandmother and him (from one of the few times he has talked to me), with this being said it makes me wounder why he is back so soon. last time i did talk to him (over text) he seemed mad/upset and told me it wasnt because of me and i can only guess what was going on as he has yet to trully open up to me and talk to me about anything. i have seen him cry and got him to open up somewhat (more than normal) about his grandmother and his fear that she would die soon (shes in her 60's i believe).

know for me i havent had a job for 2 years now, didnt need one when we were together and been looking for one now ever since. i was a stay at home mom doing everything, taking care of the kids, manging finaces, house hold chours, ect i even had to take the trash out because no matter what he wouldnt take it out even though he drived by the dumpster everyday on his way out the trailor park we used to live in. once a week i would take time for myself and in the process i would forget to do the days dishes before i went to bed and he always got mad over that. he gets mad over the littlest things, i know he is used to his stepdad going to work then coming and doing nothing but relaxing while his mom goes to work and then comes home and does everything else. i have 3 kids total and i do the best i can but i'm not his mom nor his grandmother. now remind you that i do a lot always "packing" the kids in the care going to pay the bills, shopping, taking them to the park, ect. i steam cleaned the whole house once a week and spots (from kids spilling drinks) 2-3 times a day (oh that got on my nerves) along with vacuming everyday. i never had time to my self never got to go out and i am fine with that as long as i got time to relax and spend time with just him while the kids were in bed but that was very very rare. every once in a while he would actually help.

also when we have gotten back together hes always helping with everything then it slowly tampers off, then occaiconally he picks back up and starts to help again, then he stops helping altoghther and just gets b*tchy about everything.

 

[redhen]

To me, someone like that is just a user, and why should he change if he can just keep taking advantage of you and treating you like crap?  He treats you like crap because he knows what he is, and he has no respect for you, because you allow it!  

I agree with this 100%. I also worry what emotional damage is being caused to the kids by seeing this type pf relationship..

 

[frostbite]

I feel uncomfortable about all the piling on. We're getting one version of this picture from a person who has a particular perspective. There's no way we can judge this. We can be supportive without attacking the OPs children's father. I imagine if the man were venting about all the things he's frustrated about regarding the OP on some guy kind of blog, she would be upset at being castigated with no opportunity to defend herself, and rightly so.

This is destructive stuff. Our best way of helping situations like this is not to make negative assumptions about people we don't know, and feed the anger, but to assure the OP that we care about the her and her situation, and encourage her to get help. From what the OP originally posted, this is a very complicated situation. She needs more help with this than advice from a bunch of strangers in a chicken forum. I don't agree with the notion that we are all objective. We all carry baggage of our own, and see the world through our own lenses. It's human nature.

For those of you who are truly close friends, and are nearby, and really know the situation and the persons involved, try a private message.

I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Dr.s John Townsend and Henry Cloud. Very helpful in sorting out relationships and our reactions to them.

Peace.

 

[newfoundland]

Couldn't agree more frostbite. Besides, it is obvious that this young lady is not ready to give up on the chance to resolve the situation and still hopes to salvage something for their own sakes and their children's. Talking things through is always good advice, urging someone to let go and end the relationship, is very serious stuff!

 

[dewey]

Unhealthy patterns will keep repeating themselves unless we choose to stop the cycle. There are some good books that can help sort through things and help bring clarity. Just a few that come to mind are, "Women That Love Too Much", "Codependent No More", "The Language of Letting Go".