why why why

[sourland]

Unhealthy patterns will keep repeating themselves unless we choose to stop the cycle. There are some good books that can help sort through things and help bring clarity. Just a few that come to mind are, "Women That Love Too Much", "Codependent No More", "The Language of Letting Go".

The only way to 'resolve' the situation is to break the cycle. dewey is right on the money. Not necessary to break the relationship, but the pattern of behavior is unacceptable and not healthy for the OP or children involved.

 

[redhen]

The only way to 'resolve' the situation is to break the cycle.  dewey is right on the money.  Not necessary to break the relationship, but the pattern of behavior is unacceptable and not healthy for the OP or children involved.

X a zillion

 

[zippitydooda]

. We all carry baggage of our own, and see the world through our own lenses. It's human nature.

Very true, which is why some of us have a very good idea what could happen if she goes back with him.

I don't really think anyone has done anything more than to give this young woman some things to think about and I'm pretty sure she will make up her own mind regardless of what we post on this chicken forum.

ETA: Hugs and prayers to the OP.

 

[Mattemma]

I think you make it easy for him to use you.He comes and goes as he wishes. You are sperated and yet you are doing things for him.If a man left me I would do NOTHING for him even if I loved him.

No one has the right to use another person,but they will if you let them. Decide what you want and accept the results from that decision.Change your mind later? Then go for it and once again accept the results. When he leaves you he needs to realise he can't ask you for things,and he certianly should not be able to waltz back into the home like he left an hour ago.He is a father and (was?) a husband. If you are divorced then the only communication between you two(atleast at the start) is in regards to the kids.

He is the way he is,because he can be. You can only change you. Counseling together and seperate will benefit you both in helping to create an acceptable relationship with boundaries.

 

[jak2002003]

Don't wast you time with him!

He sounds like s jerk. If he loved you he would not have done those things. You can not change him. He is using you. Sure he might like you, like a friend or for sex, but he is not interested in loving relationship by is behaviour. Take a step back from him and have some fun in your life.

Don't put up with it. You need to move on. Trust me, once you get a good guy you will forget about him totally and wonder why the hell you let him treat you like that.

If there are major problems in a relationship early on, then they will only get worse over time. He is not making you happy. The person you love should love you too and you will be happy.

Go on some exciting dates with other guys and out with your friends. In a few months you will be lot happier.

 

[m.kitchengirl]

Gosh, this all sounds so familiar.
It is like reading a post I from my former self.

I won't say you should leave or stay. What I will say is this:

Find some things that you can do that make you feel fulfilled. Take a class you have always wanted to take, join the YMCA & take the kids there for family swim & get some time in the gym while the kids play in the play room, seek out new adventures you & your kids can have. Make your life look like the life you want a little more everyday. Hike a big hill you don't think you can hike, join your church choir, SEIZE THE DAY WOMAN!
Take a step back from figuring out if you want him back or not & work on you.
What does "good love" look like, what does it feel like?
What are the fundamental things you believe about family & marriage?
Live the family life you want to live, make the family with your kids you want to have. If he joins in the fun here & there, wonderful, if not, you are living your best life & that is all you can ask of yourself. Since he has already left & is not back in the home & back in their lives you have the opportunity to build the life you want for you & your kiddos without taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. That is a wonderful thing, and a powerful reality to step into.
This is getting long...
My point is I worked on ME & the rest of it worked itself out. I still love their father & always will, but no amount of wishing can make people who are fundamentally different have a healthy relationship.
As a side note, I would NOT advise dating - yet. There are some unhealthy patterns here that the OP needs to work out before I would say to date. I think dating before you have healed from a relationship that is not good for you only leads you into the same exact relationship. Take some years to strengthen your resolve & faith in yourself, show your kids what a strong woman can do on her own, and how hard it is to get yourself right so you can have a good relationship for them to learn from. Hopefully, that relationship will be with their father, but it may not be. Just decide what you can live with (happily) and what you can't, and remember - we can only control our own actions, and it takes a lot of practice to do that sometimes.

 

[bayvistafarm]

Just my two cents, from what I have read.
It does sound like the both of you are 'too' young, and are not handling life in general very well. Sounds like alot of underlying issues are at hand.
You #1 ARE enabling his bad behaviour. I feel badly for your young children. Feeling badly yourself is not doing the kids any good. On his behalf.. maybe he is suffering from some kind of mental illness, such as depression. Has he seen a Dr.? Maybe you should. Try councilling like others have said. If your religious, go see your pastor. This yo-yo ing of getting back together, and separating isn't helping anyone. Sounds like this situation is setting the kids up for future problems in their lives. Sad all the way around. I hope you can resolve your problems.

 

[zippitydooda]

Gosh, this all sounds so familiar.
It is like reading a post I from my former self.

I won't say you should leave or stay. What I will say is this:

Find some things that you can do that make you feel fulfilled. Take a class you have always wanted to take, join the YMCA & take the kids there for family swim & get some time in the gym while the kids play in the play room, seek out new adventures you & your kids can have. Make your life look like the life you want a little more everyday. Hike a big hill you don't think you can hike, join your church choir, SEIZE THE DAY WOMAN!
Take a step back from figuring out if you want him back or not & work on you.
What does "good love" look like, what does it feel like?
What are the fundamental things you believe about family & marriage?
Live the family life you want to live, make the family with your kids you want to have. If he joins in the fun here & there, wonderful, if not, you are living your best life & that is all you can ask of yourself. Since he has already left & is not back in the home & back in their lives you have the opportunity to build the life you want for you & your kiddos without taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. That is a wonderful thing, and a powerful reality to step into.
This is getting long...
My point is I worked on ME & the rest of it worked itself out. I still love their father & always will, but no amount of wishing can make people who are fundamentally different have a healthy relationship.
As a side note, I would NOT advise dating - yet. There are some unhealthy patterns here that the OP needs to work out before I would say to date. I think dating before you have healed from a relationship that is not good for you only leads you into the same exact relationship. Take some years to strengthen your resolve & faith in yourself, show your kids what a strong woman can do on her own, and how hard it is to get yourself right so you can have a good relationship for them to learn from. Hopefully, that relationship will be with their father, but it may not be. Just decide what you can live with (happily) and what you can't, and remember - we can only control our own actions, and it takes a lot of practice to do that sometimes.

WOW. This is powerful and excellent advice. I agree 1000% with this.

 

[hdowden]

well since i posted this he has moved back and i have only seen him once (took the kids to go see daddy), since then i havent heard a word from him at all (not even asking how the kids are ).
yes we both are young and yes he has been to a dr for depression and been put on anti depressants 2, 1st time he didnt take them at all 2nd time he started taken them and things for us was going way better than it had ever gone before and then he stopped taking them and things went down hill to the point of the break-up. sadly i know a bit more about his past and family issues (such as depression and adhd, that kind of stuff) than he knows himself. i will not tell him what i have been told by his biological father ( i have not asked his mom about what he told me) because it simply isnt my place to tell him but at the same time it's things that he does need to know if not now for his health/mental then possibly later on in his life.

now as for me i am doing better but when the kids want to see and talk to daddy and he wont answer his phone via text or call, now that upsets me and our son has even cried over missing daddy. not to long ago the kids and i went out the skating palace here (roller blading) and they had lots of fun as did i so yea things are slowly getting better for me

 

[Poupoulles]

While I am not familiar with your history with this man, I do have a few opinions about where you are in regard to the relationship with him.

1. You have a children together. You MUST maintain a civil relationship for their sake. Communication should be between you two, never "through" the children. Don't ever ask them to give him any message, and never, ever "grill" the children for information about him. Do NOT ever say anything bad to your child about him. Your children are half him and half you. That would be very hurtful and it is not your place to shape any opinions they might have of him.

2. He is an EX for a reason. Maybe for several reasons. Think about why you two split up. Sometimes women who are lonely settle for something and could do much better. You do not deserve to be used. Ever. He does not get to treat you bad in front of other people and be "nice" to you in private. He is manipulating you when he does this, and that is being used.

3. You will ALWAYS have some loving feelings for him. That does not necessarily mean you should be with him, much less marry this guy. You and he have a history, and that is hard to let go of. Go ahead and grieve the loss of this relationship and MOVE ON.

I don't know you, but I've been where you are. I wish someone had been blunt with me and told me these things. It would have prevented A LOT of heartache. You are in my prayers.

Yeah, I wish someone had told me this with an old relationship I had. Wasted a lot of time and now that I am married to the RIGHT guy, I really see how having feelings for someone, and someone being good for you are two totally independent things! The right person makes you better, makes you strive to be your best. You find that you can tackle anything together, that you are an unstoppable POSITIVE force when you are together.