- Thread starter
- #61
Goot.
It done
So keep in mind this is a horror story >.> Dont read it if you dont want to be shook
(But seriously this nightmare hit me so hard mentally, I dont know how it would affect you guys but stop reading if it gets to much)
It was based on a nightmare I had a few days ago so I remembered it pretty vividly.
Also FYI, Rose there is a demon in it. I know how you feel about those so dont read it you dont want to
(But seriously this nightmare hit me so hard mentally, I dont know how it would affect you guys but stop reading if it gets to much)
It was based on a nightmare I had a few days ago so I remembered it pretty vividly.
Also FYI, Rose there is a demon in it. I know how you feel about those so dont read it you dont want to
I opened my eyes and I couldn't see anything in front of me, the darkness around me eating into my eyes and making me blind. I opened my mouth and tried to scream, nothing came out, my voice completely gone. Terror dropped into my stomach like a stone, I was alone in the dark and I didnt know what to do. I pushed my body forward, trying to move and get away. I couldn't. I heart the rattle of chains behind me and I realized that I was chained to something and whoever put me in these chains wanted me to stay there. Distress gripped my mind, I struggled against my binding but to no avail, I reached my hands up to my neck and pulled against the shackle on my throat, growing more and more terrified as the seconds past. Then, I started hearing faint heavy breathing, I froze in horror. Gaining enough courage I slowly turned around to see what was breathing so heavily, when I did, I saw a creature unlike no other creature. It was enormous and had six heads, six blood red eyes and six wings, the room around me lightened up a little as I slowly realized it was some form of a demon. My heart stopped for a few seconds, the only sound in my ears was of the blood rushing in my veins. Once I came back to my senses, I gasped and fell backwards, getting tangled in the chains even more. The demon moved its heads closer to me, staring into my eyes with its six, thick blood dripping from its maw, I could feel my eyes vibrating in their sockets from fear. The demon smiled a little and breathed a huff of air into my face, I gagged at the smell and suddenly vomited. I watched this demon for a few moments longer, watching as its own flesh fell off its bones and smoke rose from its entire body. I scooted back a little then turned around and got to my feet, running with all my might to escape the demon. I ran and ran, and as I did the demon started to laugh behind me, echoing throughout myself and the room where we were. Tears pattered on the ground as I ran, Someone help me… I screamed in my mind. I knew that no one was there though, and I knew that no one would help me. As I ran I heard the rattle of my chains behind me, I turned around behind me and watched as the demon wrapped its rotting claws around the chains and pulled them slowly to it.
‘NO!’
I screamed and kept on trying to escape, but the demon suddenly tugged my chains and I fell flat on my face. Blood began to pour from my nose from the impact, but I ignored it and tried to get up, but my hands slipped in the blood and I hit the floor again. I laid there on my stomach and tried to crawl, sobbing to myself as the demon started dragging me towards itself.
I looked up and in front of me he stood, his warm dark blue eyes boring into mine… But something was different, he didn't have that warmth in his eyes as of now, they were cold, blank, hollow… and cruel. I reached up to him, mouthing help me, he looked down at me, a look of disgust on his face. I looked at him in horror, he smiled sadistically and drew back his foot, then kicked me square in the stomach. I opened my mouth in a silent scream of agony as I flew a few feet, landing on my back, gasping for air, paralyzed and broken mentally. I laid there, gradually being dragged by the demon, and I slowly realized I had no chance, I opened my eyes and he stood over me, smiling at me with pure blood-lust.
“I trusted you…” I said, blood pouring down my face and out my mouth.
“That's where you went wrong” He said.
He kicked me onto my knees and laughed as I coughed up blood underneath me, I shuddered violently and glared up at him.
“Don't you look at me like that” He growled.
“You’re the one to blame not me.”
“So what if I am, I’ve made mistakes, Im not God” I replied getting closer and closer to the demon.
“You’re going to hell for your sins, you were selfish, you were cruel, you were sinful” He said
While he was lecturing me, without him noticing I wrapped my neck chain around his foot, and stayed silent as the demon dragged me to it. It grabbed me and lifted it up to its mouths.
“Im going to hell eh?” I said
“Then you’re coming with me!”
At that moment the demon tossed me in the air to snap me up in one of its maws, and I pulled with all my might on my neck chain. Flinging him up in the air with me, and falling into the mouths of the demon.
‘NO!’
I screamed and kept on trying to escape, but the demon suddenly tugged my chains and I fell flat on my face. Blood began to pour from my nose from the impact, but I ignored it and tried to get up, but my hands slipped in the blood and I hit the floor again. I laid there on my stomach and tried to crawl, sobbing to myself as the demon started dragging me towards itself.
I looked up and in front of me he stood, his warm dark blue eyes boring into mine… But something was different, he didn't have that warmth in his eyes as of now, they were cold, blank, hollow… and cruel. I reached up to him, mouthing help me, he looked down at me, a look of disgust on his face. I looked at him in horror, he smiled sadistically and drew back his foot, then kicked me square in the stomach. I opened my mouth in a silent scream of agony as I flew a few feet, landing on my back, gasping for air, paralyzed and broken mentally. I laid there, gradually being dragged by the demon, and I slowly realized I had no chance, I opened my eyes and he stood over me, smiling at me with pure blood-lust.
“I trusted you…” I said, blood pouring down my face and out my mouth.
“That's where you went wrong” He said.
He kicked me onto my knees and laughed as I coughed up blood underneath me, I shuddered violently and glared up at him.
“Don't you look at me like that” He growled.
“You’re the one to blame not me.”
“So what if I am, I’ve made mistakes, Im not God” I replied getting closer and closer to the demon.
“You’re going to hell for your sins, you were selfish, you were cruel, you were sinful” He said
While he was lecturing me, without him noticing I wrapped my neck chain around his foot, and stayed silent as the demon dragged me to it. It grabbed me and lifted it up to its mouths.
“Im going to hell eh?” I said
“Then you’re coming with me!”
At that moment the demon tossed me in the air to snap me up in one of its maws, and I pulled with all my might on my neck chain. Flinging him up in the air with me, and falling into the mouths of the demon.
Thanks for the heads up.
Heh. What's it with you and misspelling "Jaws"? >:}
I've noticed that you like to use present-tense first-person writing. This is fine, just be aware of 'show vs tell.' While you're editing, ask yourself "can the camera see it?" And if the answer is no, cut it out. There's a few instances where you can just blatantly tell, but be sparing with it.
Make sure to use an active voice. If you can tack "by zombies" on the end, it's passive, and needs to be restructured.
When writing gore, there's a whole lot of colors, textures, and sound words. Flesh turnes black after the blood has dried out of it, and I've heard that human flesh smells unholy like nothing else in the history of ever. Also, remember wretching will sometimes leave a sour taste in your mouth, depending upon the amount of acid in the stomach. I once drank a bunch of water trying to get a tiny piece of bread down (don't ask). Instead, I just threw up, but because I had drank so much water, I didn't get the acid feel or the horrible taste. So just kind of consider what or if the character had eaten before hurling.
People also mess themselves in fear, if you want to bother with that. Which you don't.
And lastly, the bit about the chains is a bit redundant. Check how many times you mention the word "chains" and then maybe try to convey what they are without saying the word or similar words.
I've noticed that you like to use present-tense first-person writing. This is fine, just be aware of 'show vs tell.' While you're editing, ask yourself "can the camera see it?" And if the answer is no, cut it out. There's a few instances where you can just blatantly tell, but be sparing with it.
Make sure to use an active voice. If you can tack "by zombies" on the end, it's passive, and needs to be restructured.
When writing gore, there's a whole lot of colors, textures, and sound words. Flesh turnes black after the blood has dried out of it, and I've heard that human flesh smells unholy like nothing else in the history of ever. Also, remember wretching will sometimes leave a sour taste in your mouth, depending upon the amount of acid in the stomach. I once drank a bunch of water trying to get a tiny piece of bread down (don't ask). Instead, I just threw up, but because I had drank so much water, I didn't get the acid feel or the horrible taste. So just kind of consider what or if the character had eaten before hurling.
People also mess themselves in fear, if you want to bother with that. Which you don't.
And lastly, the bit about the chains is a bit redundant. Check how many times you mention the word "chains" and then maybe try to convey what they are without saying the word or similar words.
Maw is an actual word XD I did that on purpose.
and oke I will go back over it later today after schoolwork, fank youu for criticism \o/
and oke I will go back over it later today after schoolwork, fank youu for criticism \o/
[/SPOILER]
Waaaa
idunno
- Thread starter
- #70
Didn't wanna read it. but... I'm glad someone finally added something.
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