Am I Being Unforgiving?

[kareninthesun]

His actions and mother's sounds just like my nephew's. Behaviour like this goes back to birth. He actions from toddler aged was excused first as being a real 'boy' to just being a bit wild. His Mom (whom we now strongly suspect as being addicted to alcohol when pregnant) I think felt protective and guilty and it escalated enough where rational thought was crushed as he learned manipulative skills and plain old bullying. We were not aware of the extent of his bullying as her health declined. His mental state declined to the point where everything revolved around what HE wanted, but only according to what he could understand. He lived with her, and they lived on the outskirts of a small town. He was banished from many public establishements because of his temper general behaviour. When his health physically deteriourated, he'd disappear for days, warn his mother (now partially bedridden) that she was not to leave her room, and leave. She tried to manuver her way out, but there was so much physical garbage, stuff piled everywhere, boxes, junk, that trying to reach the phone, she fell between stuff and couldn't get up. She was there for nearly three days before a relative, worried because she wasn't answering the phone broke into the house. In the meantime, he needed surgery, and his mental state, he took the bus, checked in, was supposed to stay in the hospital for at least three days to recover, woke in recovery, decided he was fine, unhooked everything and took the bus back home. Got lost, spent two days on the streets 'somewhere' where people avoided him, then managed to get home. Family got him back to the hospital where he never recovered. The house was so bad, they had cats, never cleaned up after them, the floor was actually mushy. Had to tear down the house. Mom never recovered, and died a year later. This is mental illness.

 

[Avalon1984]

I would totally stay away from that situation if I were you. Better spend time with your family that appreciates you

 

[Carols Clucks]

Personally, I would go for the benefit of my grandmother BUT:

I would bring some kind of snack to share, eat it with them and get out! Cookies would be plenty. Grandma can see you for Christmas, Mom can spend a few moments with her mom and the second brother pipes up....Ooops it is time to hit the road for:_______________

I would think you could find a church service to go to, a friends house to stop by or any other excuse to only spend a few minutes there. You might want to see if grandma wants to go to a church service with you.

 

[TinyChickenLady]

My mother has a very toxic family. Their brother died about 20 years ago. Their mother died about 12 years ago. Now there is only the 5 sisters left. Yes, FIVE women. All with the same personality.
Auntie T hates me and will make it very known everytime she's near me. I don't act, talk or dress right in her eyes. She hasn't spoken to me in over 9 months. My mother... well... she's a work in progress but she's my mother so I'll always have her back. Auntie L is the most precious and kind woman I have ever met. She's been diagnosed with Sjogren's and Lupus. Isn't doing well but is always happy

Auntie N doesn't like to work and prefers to take money from the state and her kids' father. Loves drama. Loves to put my mother down behind her back and deny it to her face. Auntie K used to be an alcoholic. Now she's happily married and rescues dogs. She has her quirks and has a "psycho switch" in her that she likes to turn on a few times a year.

All but Auntie L can be very toxic and hateful people. Any one of them would kill for the opportunity to throw a "loved" one under the bus. Sadly, my own mother does it to me almost weekly.

I have voiced my concerns about allowing Auntie T and her 2 faced BF into our house for the holidays. He has tried everything in his power to isolate the Aunt and get the whole family to hate me (because when he whispers rude things to me, I call him out on it) and he's done a fairly good job at that. We didn't think they were coming since they won't speak to us but rumor has it, they're coming to my house on Christmas Eve. I am fully prepared to stand up for myself and kick them out of my parents' house (with their permission) if an incident occurs. They are horrible, toxic, hateful people and I don't want them to ruin my day or my holidays.

You need to think about you and your family during this time of year because let's face it, we don't always think of others. This is a time to be happy and thankful and loving. If you can't be any of those things with the Uncle (or the grandma) around, then don't put yourself through it.

And as others have said, he's clearly dangerous. Who wants to get shot on Christmas?? NOT ME.

 

[Mattemma]

If he has tried to kill your mom then no way would I go.Abusive people do not change.You never know if he will snap. Consider going over on another day,or better yet invite grandma over to your home to celebrate the holidays.

 

[Peaches Lee]

I agree with kareninthesun, his behaviour stems from my grandmother's child rearing. I just wish my grandmother would respect our decision not to hang out with him. She has made the decision not to go to social gatherings with her sister, why are we any different? I'm really sick of having two sets of rules here.

We don't wish my uncle any evil or ill will, we simply don't want to sit down and have dinner with him. I always feel like he's getting info about us for his next "battle plan".

 

[SourRoses]

The first sentence was all I needed to say "No!"

If you don't want to go, you don't want to go... if it's not what makes you happy, it's not what you should be doing... so there.

Just keep sticking up for yourself... and if grandma gets too persistent.. a little dose of the truth might be in order. Better to have an argument on the phone, than a blow-up in person on what should be a day of celebration

 

[cassie]

Quote:
His problems may well not be a result of his upbringing. He may be a sociopath, in which case he was born that way, and no amount of counseling or psychotherapy will fix him. The only way to deal with a sociopath is to stay as far away as possible.

 

[Mamma_Duck04]

It took me a long long time to get a grip on guilt, family pressures, obligations, etc. I have a horribly toxic extended family that, thankfully, my dad removed me from for the most part. My mother did the same on her side. It helped that we'd moved many states away from those people. Fast forward to now & I'm a mom, the moment I got pregnant with our first child, that became my main concern. I know the family members I don't ever want to associate with & now having a child, I'll be darned if my son will have to deal with them. It's not only them either, I'm not having my son grow up around FAMILY that doesn't show him love.

At the outset of our marriage, my mother-in-law was pretty scary & over a short time, she enlisted the support of her daughter. Many things took place before my husband actually saw the whole picture of what was happening, but it resulted in his mother & sister not being allowed to visit, PERIOD, & I refused to talk to them (answer the phone, take a message, answer an email, etc- cut off ALL communications) for a year.

Things changed when we moved into our current house & there was only one rule, *this is also MY house & anyone that disrespects me gets escorted out*. Having new ground rules has produced a pretty good relationship now, it's only taken 4yrs! I also don't feel bad for not tolerating BS anymore.

The hardest part of dealing with family is drawing boundaries. If you wouldn't go to your uncle's house ON YOUR OWN, then DON'T go just because another family member is trying to get you to. Hate to say it, but if grandma gets upset about it, it's just too bad. This uncle is beyond toxic, he's dangerous & doesn't seem to offer any good to anything. If this man were associated with one of your friends, would you let her guilt you into coming to her house while he's there? If grandma wants to see YOU GUYS, she can come visit you guys, or you could go to dinner with her somewhere, I don't consider that a good enough reason to expose myself & my family to such a person as your uncle.

JMO though. Good luck, I know it's hard.

 

[sheaviance1]

To the OP, quit dancing around the issue and tell you grandmother the truth. It's easier to get over a hurt if it is blunt, sincere and honest than it is to get over something you have drug out and danced around for a long time before allowing the truth to come out.