I can't belive it's been almost a month since Bill has been gone. This just still dosn't feel real.
How could he go so fast after just being so happy about things we'd be able to do and places to go. Just isn't fair that he was so alive one minute and excited and the next he's gone. I feel so bad that I'm back to not sleeping now and was so asleep when he needed me.
I can't get anything done. I don't remember the last time I did laundry. I think it was last week. SIL tried to clear a bad clog in the water papes yesterday. I bought a snake and although it seemed to be doing something the sinks are backing up even faster now. I need to find a cheap plummer, but I cry when I start talking and I'm affraid they'll think I'm a space case. My girls all took time off their jobs to take care of the funeral and lost money to boot, so their trying to get themselves back together. They don't have the time to deal with me and all my problems. My youngest daughter just couldn't take all of my breakdowns and she went to stay with a friend for a few days. She has always had problems coping with stress and I am just happy she held on as long as she did. We're all surprised she did as good as she did. She's also been sick, so she needed to get somewhere she could rest.
I'm trying to get the FBCMs that Bill bought me to produce a younger flock, but after 3 days of rocking I'm getting 0 to hatch.
I took Dakotah and Makayla fishing the other evening. Bill wasn't big on fishing, but he had taken us to a stop not far from here. Bill had planned on taking Dakotah as a surprise as soon as he got back from his dad's this summer and when we had another catastrophy I decided to take them both and deal with the problem starting monday.
Dakotah is supposed to start High School on the 11th and we've had things in the works for an inter district transfer since last school year. He need some special ed classes for learning diabilities and they had his classes and just everything together since april. We were looking in the area of the school to buy a home, so we'd be there for him to attend. He was so excited about this particular school and it's only 15 minutes drive time from this house. The ones in our district are further away. They've sent me packets and left message reminders for the students that orientation was the 5th. School pics were also that day. We went and bought him a really nice new shirt and he needed shoes badly! Dad doesn't do all that, Bill always supplied everything. We got to the school and something told me to check in at the office. I find out there, while this kid that just lost the closest person to him (he loves mom, but always been closer to Bill) has just been taken away, that they don't have room in their special ed program for him anywhere in the city. I could tell Dakotah was crushed. He's never been so excited about a school in his life. It's all he's talked about since the trip he took there last year. I don't even want him in the gang infested school here. I know they are everywhere out here, but the other district is kept pretty controlled, where here they change shirts 2 blocks from school and the crap starts.
It's just one thing after another. I haven't gone to social services, but been told by the VA and SS that I should, because cash from anything of Bill's is probably not going to be available to me. I can't walk into that place. I've been there before when Bill was waiting for his SSDI to take effect, which happened his first time applying. How unusal is that? Took my mom 10 years. Anyway I panicked in that place every time we had to go and that was with Bill right there. I'd have to go outside and wait for him to get when when they were ready for us. I hate that place anyway.
I have medical, but it's at 75% and I don't have the money to pay the rest, so trying to get help for my problems is just not within reach right now. I've asked around, but the numbers and places that I'm directed too are dead ends.
I have this poor kid that doesn't have his stepdad to talk to about what's going on and he stays in his room an is so moody I've actually had to get on to him and he's a good kid. Never been grounded, because there has never been a reason and I think he's had maybe 10 timeouts in his life. He kind of has Bill's quietness and lets things build up. I'm worried he's going to break down bad when it finally happens. He won't let anyone see him cry, but his eyes have been red and puffy lately and he just sits with his head down. And I'm no help. I talk to him, but I make him feel worse.
I have a bad temper. I'm pretty good at controlling it and Bill was always there to get me to see things weren't so bad that I needed to go into a rage, but I can feel that building up big time!!!! I've snapped at the kids and for no other reason than the fact that Bill was snatched away. No one and I mean no one talks to me or treats me like he did. I'm back to feeling like nothing again and I hate it. I don't know why he had to go and someone like me gets to stay behind.
Oh yeah! It's the good ones that go first!
! Can you sort any of that stuff out of storage that you could sell? My rule for myself, because I am an awful accumulator, is if I have not used it or missed it in a year it's history. You might be able to eliminate the unit entirely and spend the $130(or a little more) on an inexpensive readymade garden shed for storage on your property. I haven't looked lately, but those steel sheds can be pretty cheap, especially at the end of the season.
