Connor was dying.
In truth, he’d been dying all day.
He was certain of it now. All of his fruitless struggles to move had proved to him that he had no feeling below his waist- his back had been broken and he was paralyzed. He likely could’ve lived with that alone, but there was this strengthening weakness that came not from what oppressed him outwardly, but within. He wasn’t completely aware that he was slowly succumbing to widespread internal bleeding, but he knew.
So it was only now did he really come to terms with his fate. Perhaps it was the soil clogging his throat and nose. Maybe it was the utter torture of breathing that betrayed the broken ribs. Though his body was relatively free in the earthen pocket he’d come to rest in, his neck was pinned upward at a horrible angle. The stale air his nose raggedly drew in came with more and more solid particles every time.
This wasn’t surviving.
He’d miss getting to see his little girl walk across a school stage to receive the scroll of paper that was the prize of relentless, eighteen-year pursuit. He regretted that his guidance wouldn’t be there to fight for her way through through the trials of oppressive early adulthood. His arms wouldn’t be able to pull her close when she hit another dangerous low in her belief of herself. He wouldn’t be there to fight off the unqualified suitors and begrudgingly come to an understanding with the only one worthy.
But she’d be able to do it all without him.
He was breaking the promise he’d made to Ash when they were barely more than kids and terribly uncertain of how they were going to find their way in the world without family or funds. No longer would he be there to defeat the remanent terrors from their own ghastly adolescence that came for her in the night. There wouldn’t be any more off-key, radio-accompanied midnight duets atop the most remote hill they could find. His bottomless stomach wouldn’t be there to receive the dubiously edible products of her kitchen concoctions. Now she would be forever taking her jogs alone.
But she’d be able to do it all without him.
He knew it was going to be okay. They’d both be able to go on without him. They were the strongest women he knew.
And then he had a sudden thought of Wolfram. Now that his own ideas were the only ones he had to contend with, he was suddenly certain that Bleddyn was going to have to start dealing in the messy world of negotiably mutual feelings a whole lot sooner.
And he was surprised to realize that he was okay with the negligible potential of Wolfram becoming something more for his daughter. Because, among all of the self-loathing, doubt, and ineptitude that the young man was comprised of, Connor had seen something he’d seen before.
He already knows he’d die for anything of them.
He’d die for her. Just like I was. Just like I would.
And am.
All of that realized with finality, he was put at even greater peace.
Through all of the pressure that was interminably collapsing his innards into themselves, he was able to recognize that, somehow, he’d been approached by much stabler survivors. He curled his muzzle into a grateful smile for the gift of magically generated oxygen, but his breathing had already been far too compromised for it to aid him. For a moment, his eyes fluttered, fighting against his stubborn will to force them open, then they flickered shut entirely for the last time.
He was suddenly overcome with pride for Ash and Bleddyn. His fantastic, amazing, and completely undeserved partner who had pulled, walked with, and run ahead of him through the way better half of his life. Their brilliant girl who’d overcome so much against the worst kind of negativity- her own.
For his last movement, Connor chose to smile again. Hey, Tom, I’ve got so much to tell you, man.
With anticipation for whatever waited beyond this horrible plane, he let himself go.