16 years together but....

[Cknldy]

Okay, so I figure I should start a blog type thing cuz I think my father and his wife are getting tired of hearing my small time country life happenings! I don't have real life friends because I am not a social person. So the next time you pick up the phone to tell your best friend the totally cool thing that's happened smile and be glad you can do that. I'm still afraid of how much personal info can unintentionally make it's way around the internet and lead to problems so I apologize in advance if some things seem vague. Here we go! As for my age, I am more than a quarter but less than half of a century old. I've been with my hubby for 16 years. At this time he works and brings in the money while I am a homemaker. As a teen I started out doing everything for him. Up until last year it stayed that way. Last year I decided that I wasn't being treated with respect or gratitude so I started to change. We have grown apart. He only seems to care about one thing (the bedroom thing) and I just feel like I need something other than that from him. Like any type of acknowledgement other than I am a slave to get/do things for him. I don't ask him to do petty things for me because I can do them myself. Sigh...as he says- it is like we are roommates as I sleep on the couch. He doesn't share my chicken passion nor does he want to hear me speak about them. I'm not perfect either. Who is? Tonight there is half of a foot of snow on the ground. My chickens had a (snuck it out the door cuz I knew he'd say something mean) warm snack of chicken renderings poured over feed before nightfall. My chickens listen and even answer, something I don't get from dh lately. No bedroom stuff= mad at me and telling me I don't love him. BTW he's sulking in his room right now. More on everyday stuff tomorrow...

 

[sourland]

Well, working on 49 years here, and frankly, it hasn't always been great - from both sides. Bottom line is there is no one I like better than my wife. It may sound like a cliche, but she is my best friend. Trust me on one thing neither of us ever used the bedroom as a 'punishment' - heck that would be like punishing ourselves.

My wife doesn't understand my passion for dogs and poultry. I don't understand or share her passion for theater, but we respect one another. Different is not always a bad thing. Have you tried to talk with him about your feelings? I'm a guy. Trust me, sometimes we just don't get it. Everything seems fine to us, but you aren't happy. You have to tell us. Your changing very likely has done nothing but confuse him. Have you ever considered counseling. Staying married is good, but not always easy. Good luck.

 

[Cknldy]

He's not the counseling type. He feels as though I get everything free because I don't work outside the home. He allowed me to get chickens last spring. Within a month I was crying to my chickens after being told to take a breath and go talk to my chickens. I have no other adults to talk to so yes, I did start talking to him from the time he woke up. He later apologized. Nowadays I speak more to my father's wife and my father than to dh. Daily life continues...I have applied for jobs for better self worth but I have restrictions that make it hard to get hired anywhere. Things like we don't use babysitters and don't know anyone to ask so I'm restricted to 3rd shift. Dh's job comes first cuz he makes more. I haven't been in the workforce for many years so that is a hindrance. I hope to start selling eggs and chicks. I also quilt although chickens have taken over my time here lately. And of course the home stuff

 

[Cknldy]

Prepared to tend the critters!

Not as bad as in October

Kitten wasn't enthused by snow

Donut anyone?

 

[gambler]

Being together that long makes you start to take the other person for granted. It has probably happened with both of you and neither one of you sees it. You stated that you couldn't get a sitter so I take it you have children that are young enough that you can't leave them home alone. You need to spend time doing things together without the kids. I divorced my wife of 21 years because of the exact same symptoms that you described. And in my search for what went wrong with my marriage I found that my ex and I always put the children first and did everything with the children. What happened was we bonded with our children and not with each other. The other thing that led to my divorce was money, or lack there of. My wife lost her job and started her own business. She used money to keep the business going but buried us in debt. I resented her because I made very good money but could not even afford to do something fun for her and I because she spent all of our money on debt for her business. And she resented me for complaining about not having money. Anyway you need to talk and find out what the problems are. My ex and I never talked about what we felt or was bothering us. Eventually my ex found fun things to do with another man and not me so our marriage ended. The reason she gave was that her and I never did anything together anymore. When I look back I see that both of us were at fault and it only got worse because WE did not communicate. You have to make the marriage come first and not the kids. When was the last time you and hubby went away for a weekend together? Even if you have to borrow the money from a family member I would suggest you go for a weekend get away.

edited by staff

 

[Cknldy]

The last time just he and I went on a date? Uh, 11 years ago! We rarely go anywhere together as he chooses to stay home while all the kids go with me. But yeah, a lot of what you're saying makes sense.
Today I actually got to spend hours working on quilt blocks for the block swap I'm in. First the chickens had to be 'dug' out as I couldn't get to a few latches. They act like they love the snow and extra treats. I've gotten eggs almost every day all through winter. No electricity at all for them but they are healthy as can be. Yep, I pay them a lot of attention. My chappies shall I say were loving the snow too and built a fort. The dogs enjoyed digging out their pine shavings like they were chickens making a nest! And the hubby: mud running trucks all day after satelite lost signal. We're settling in for a quiet evening. Happy cluckin to all.

 

[roostersandhens]

 

[flocksalot]

hi Cknldy! I hope you know that there are people here that will listen/read and just let you vent. It's one of the things that helps all social media expand, but here you're talking to people that have a passion and understanding for things you value dear. I myself love a good talk with my birds. Well all except my African grey because she says nasty things back. Love her still though.

I'm old but have only been married for coming 5 years now. My hubby and I disagree about most things, but that is who we are and we see nothing wrong with getting into an argument when other people are around even though it bothers some. My sister in law just complained to me that the reason they don't come around is the way we talk to each other. Guess we will step it up and keep them away always.

I know my hubby has no problem with that. After all he did leave is mother and father to cleave to me as the priest said. He has taken some time to realize that other people's (especially family that are vested in one or the other) can become pretty toxic to a relationship. The one thing we do try to do is find something positive to say to each other. Yes sometimes it's forced, but it helps to look for the positive. At first we did it once a day and it was very forced, but once we started looking for those things it became much easier and often. Most of the time I would say my hubby is a real pain in the derriere, but looking for positive things to say actually reminds me of why I'm with him and he me. Once you start doing it it just becomes habit. I find that telling him I appreciate him killing the coon instead of bitching because he shot holes in the trap makes both of us feel better. You could even try to tell us one good thing he did every day. It may brighten things up for you.

When my husband is really ****** at me he will go sleep on the couch. To which I say boo hoo I have the king sized bed all to myself as I stretch out sideways and read all night if I want. He'll get over it eventually once his back starts hurting him. Then he thinks he needs to sleep in the middle of the bed (that's a guy thing) so he can be closer to me. I'm not going to kick him out, but he better move over or we're going to have a pillow fight. Which of course involves our son coming in to defend his mother. Hubby is also very ticklish, so moving him only takes a few pokes.

It's things like pillow fights that help relieve tension and once the tension is removed we can discuss whatever it was that got him on the couch. Sometimes all it takes is to be reminded of why you are together in the first place. Everyone changes over time, but our basic needs are still there when it comes to emotions. At almost 50 I still have the same fears, cares, and triggers that I had as a emotional sixteen year old. They aren't exactly the same, but they are still lurking there waiting for something to happen so they can raise their ugly heads. Then all my insecurities follow making it an ugly race to the finish. Realizing that I know my husbands triggers and he mine has helped to weave our lives together around those rocky paths. The first part was recognizing them and taking conscious steps to avoid them.

One thing that I did hear in what you wrote is that your hubby feels that you don't respect (hear as love) him. He has those same feelings that you have. You both need to find ways of reminding each other that you are there for each other. For men the bedroom is an area that they feel you tell them you love them. Who ever said men don't equate sex and love together just didn't understand that married men do. I have a friend that flirts terribly with her husband. It's what they did to save their marriage. It makes her feel sexy and loved and makes him feel loved and respected. Find what makes you comfortable and then find what makes your hubby feel the same. Once you both have a comfort level things will become easier to discuss. Make a date to sit and have a cup of chocolate after the kids are in bed. Make a special quilt for him. My mother made a quilt for my father and one that was half him and half her. It's really unique and my dad likes to get it and snuggle with my mother while they watch TV together. He prefers the "joined quilt" as he calls it. Course they are almost 80 years old so snuggling is now second nature to them, but there were times when we were kids that things got pretty scary. They had to learn to talk just like everyone else.

As for not having people to talk to sometimes that is over rated, and sometimes it leads to those kinds of feelings. I know when I used to go for long walks I would sit and stew about things my hubby did. Then I made him come for walks with me and we discussed stuff. That time that I had sifting through every little detail of what he did or said, or didn't do or say actually made things worse for us, but having him come along helped redirect my thoughts to more positive things. I have physical problems that make any walk a long walk where really distance is measured by time. Having my hubby see me struggling to try to get better made him realize that pushing me to do things wasn't helping. He had to learn to let me decide what was right for me.

I hope you and your hubby can find some middle ground and work towards a mutualy loving and respectful relationship. I'll tell our birds to cross their toes for you anyway. Well not the ducks and geese that would just look weird.

 

[Cknldy]

Lol, sincerely heartfelt. Different education levels makes it hard to talk too. One good thing today- for most of the day he was at garage messing with trucks therefore I wasn't catering to him every 20 minutes and got to quilt in peace. Thanks;-)

 

[theoldchick]

Get counseling for yourself. I sense desperate helplessness in your posts. You want more out of your life, and while we can give you advice, it is you who need to make the change. You need to figure out what steps to take and counseling will help. Keep on quilting as working with your hands is a good way to deal with life's frustration. Got any photos of your quilts?