16 years together but....

[Cknldy]

I believe most of it comes from how he was raised. And the fact that as teens together, I started out doing everything for him. I have had counseling in the past. Sometime last year I realized I was doing more for him than for I did for the kids since they aren't toddler age kids anymore. I decided to change me and it upsets his balance of control. It's about to get more level around here since I've made progress with babysitting and job searching. I found a local poultry farm that may hire me come next month! The thing is that the owner doesn't have a good reputation himself for hiring 'unreputable' help. Rumors are that he is involved with cock fighting which is something i want no part of. Could I be objective to the fact that birds i care for are possibly being sold to fight? I really don't know. I need a job and i love working with poultry. Owner only keeps games and sells to mexico, hawaii and nationally so that sort of gives credence to the rumors in a way. Decisions, decisions. On a better note dh is talking to me today. And my chickens have all been moved back to their spacious coops. Alligator, a bg mix, was my last hen to start laying. She gave her first egg yesterday evening and another today so even though it's cold I collected 4 eggs from 5 hens laying! I love it Another sense of accomplishment today as Mr. Peck was a tough roo to wrangle but once caught he surrendered. When we got down to the rir coop where his ladies already were he started trying to get away from me. I talked to him but sat in the coop with him on my lap, refusing to let him go until he stopped fighting and relaxed. Hilda got in a quick peck to his leg before he calmed down. When I finally let my arms down he still sat in my lap for a minute, then calmly walked off! I'm really starting to see him differently. Happy cluckin til next time...

 

[Peaches Lee]

You really need to get a job. McDonald's, Subway, your local grocery store, your kid's school as an aide. He is treating you like a slave. You are NO slave!! You also need a separate checking account. You may even be eligible for financial aid for continued education/college. I am so glad you have BYC and your chickens. My chickens give me great joy and are wonderful therapy. His behavior, very doubtful that will change. Why would he? He's got you right where he wants you, in his mind everything is perfect. He likes you not having a job because $$ problems can be blamed on you, but if you get a job, you are close to becoming independent and not needing him, needing him feeds his ego. Definitely sell your quilts (which are awesome by the way), sell your eggs. Anyway, very good luck to you!!

 

[Cknldy]

You've hit the nail on the head there peaches! He's turned nice since yesterday and has mentioned if he works on the front end of my truck he might 'gethave back in my good graces.' I think it's cuz he senses how close i am to being hired somewhere since he found out i have an available babysitter so i'm no longer restricted to his "rules" for me getting a job. He also found out that i have put in a lot of apps this past week and SOMEONE just has to need help my father's wife once told me 'It's a shame u can't make him think he's won.' Hmmm...

 

[debilorrah]

I haven't read the entire thread, but I can tell you that you cannot behave one way toward him for 15 years and then decide to turn it off. If you feel you are not respected, it is your job to let him know that. The man doesn't have a crystal ball.

 

[Cknldy]

I have been telling him specifically that I feel like a slave for over a year. He thinks I should do everything that I have been doing for all of the past years because he works and brings in the money; He pays for everything therefore everything is his. Being the caterer is 'paying' for what he pays for with money. In fact, in an argument a few months ago I brought up the fact that when I worked in the past he made sure all the paycheck I brought home was paid out b4 he'd pay or buy anything. I suppose that is how he sees his paycheck going. I am a frivolous person and have been known to melt snow for baths when the water was frozen, etc. His answer was that he figured it's payback for everything he's bought or paid for for me all these years! What?! Okay, that is not how it is supposed to work especially if HE didn't want me to work. When 2 are working the pay scale to bill ratio is considered too right? My thing is stuff like this- don't complain that I need to eat then ask me why I'm eating 'your' food or how I'm going to pay for it. He knows he's got me unless I get a job and become independent. He doesn't think I will be hired anywhere either. Today I mentioned all the apps I've put in and my plans for tomorrow's search. I said someone's gotta call me and his reaction was "I doubt it." We both know how the other feels after all these years, we can tell what the other will say before they say it. Yet we just don't jive anymore. On to chickens....I went into the coop several times today WITHOUT THE HOE! I decided to be alpha in the coop. (Yes, I see the irony in the two topics) The difference is that I only wish to be equal in the house. Mr. Peck was okay with me being in there even without the hoe. Happy cluckin til next time....

 

[redhen]

People like that will treat you the way you allow them too..
My BIG concern is kids? Are you raising kids in this abusive enviroment?
As an adult,,if you want to live that way, thats your choice... but if kids are living in that house, thats concerning..

 

[Cknldy]

The kids don't hear most of our arguments. Children are very perceptive though! I have been asked why I'm sleeping on the couch. They know when we aren't getting along but are excited about the idea that I'm looking for a job. Our kids take us as we are and as parents we do our best to raise them right. They do not act like he does mainly because they have been taught better by BOTH of us. Yes, surprisingly (and this can count as a good thing about him) he does promote respect for me from the kids. Nothing is ever towards the kids in anything I'm telling- it's just towards me. Our childhoods had a lot in common and we vowed that our kids wouldn't be the same. However, people change over time and I think time has taken it's toll here. Happy cluckin as it will work out...

 

[DuckLady]

Today I mentioned all the apps I've put in and my plans for tomorrow's search. I said someone's gotta call me and his reaction was "I doubt it."

Make sure YOU are the one answering the phone. In case he decides to sabotage you.

 

[Birdie Tango]

Please hold on, just a minute! I stumbled onto this thread while fiddling on my phone version, and curiously scanned through it (Fab quilts by the way!). I could hear echos of myself from years back when the kids were new or very small. What was my big save? A book.

Finding the Hero in Your Husband by Julianna Flattery, Psy. D.

Where did I get it? My husband! He had heard this woman being interviewed on talk radio. After the next argument he got back in the car and "lovingly" handed it to me. Long story short, it spent nearly a week outside in an empty trash barrel. Then a couple of months in a bottom drawer. What a waste of time!

Fundamental truths: 1. A marriage with children is absolutely worth saving. 2. Men fall in love first and out of love last. 3. You have a lot of power as a wife- use it wisely!

Like said in Kung Fu Panda, "There are no accidents!" I acted upon realizing your heartache. Please do me (and ultimately you) the favor of buying or downloading this book and read it right away.

Turn him back into your gladiator! It is always nice to have one when you need one! Let me know how it goes, my friend!

 

[Cknldy]

Birdie- I'll look into that title. For now I'm working on me. After another day at the employment office (and being offered cashier jobs AGAIN) I have now put in 9 applications and checked back on 2 from december that are still open. I thought i lucked up when the security guard interviewer was on site but alas..sigh...I once again got a condescending 'you know this is outside work, right?'. What?! Don't judge me by my size and the fact that I'm female. I forged ahead and told him it's not that easy to put me off of a job. I'd prefer physical labor and anything working with animals but folks get one look at me and for some reason think nurse or cashier. Boy, have i been out of the workforce too long! I suppose not one would figure me to be a navy brat and that I've done my bit of time in the air force. Ahead we go! I'm looking into a degree in animal husbandry as well. College courses don't pay while you're taking them but in the future it may help. Still need a paying job though. The ads for the quilt tops and hatching eggs will be in local paper this week so maybe that'll give me a boost. And BTW- dh told me not to sell 'eating' eggs cuz if someone gets sick they'll sue me. My 1st customer is getting a dozen tomorrow morning so I guess I'm not listening very well..lol happy cluckin til next time!