24 yo brother...ARGH!

[Boyd]

sounds like a normal 24 year old decompressing. He'll stub his toe and bloody his nose a couple times before he comes around.

 

[Me & My Peeps]

Quote:
Ditto. A lot of people when they hear this jump on the "Drunk Wagon" and start pushing AA and all the other self help groups. They are convinced that, because THEY couldnt pull themselves up on their own - that nobody else can either.

Up until this point in his life, all the decisions have been made for him. As a prior service person, I can assure you that everything he was trained to do, revolved around his mission - not life skills. While I was not there with him durng that time, I can relate to his experiences there. Everybody comes home from a tour and keeps it all inside. Mostly because only someone there, can understand but also, because you just dont want to put your friends/loved ones through what really goes on and what you see and do. Your afraid that peoples opinion of you will change, or you become labeled as "yeah, he aint been right since he came back from the war".

If you truely want to help him, start by not trying to "get inside". Just be there for him and talk about ANYTHING other than his time there. It will take some time but he will eventually open back up to you. Trust me when I tell you, that he IS AWARE of his behavior and its' NOT a personal attack or intentionally being rude. Right now, its his defense mechanism making the decisions for him. It's easier to sabatoge a relationship, then having to confront those feelings and even worse.............having to explain what he did there and WHY he made some of the decisions he did over there. You have to understand, combat does not allow you to think and rationalize everything out like here in the comfort of this world. You make decisions in that environment in milliseconds, on reaction and ingrained training. You do things that you thought/hoped you would never have to do. Allot of them, your not proud of - but you do what you have to, to make sure that your going home ALIVE - not in an open casket. It changes you as a person, you try and fight it, resist it with every fiber of your being....but you cant. Those decisions get made for you. Eventually, you come to terms with it and everyone that you live/survive with feels the same thing............so you accept it as "this is the way it has to be".

Then you come home and everybody wants to know what you did over there. What your life was like. The endless questions. "Is it true that you shot kids? How many did you get? How many friends did you lose? What's it like to have people shooting at you? Is it true that a persons head explodes like a watermelon when you shoot them? What was the farthest distance you shot someone from?" For the most part, their just ignorant people and they mean no harm. But it forces you to start resolving and reversing the thought process that you had taken, to get home. THAT'S where the problems begin. Some adjust fine on their own, depending on their exposure. Some need help to "reprogram" and some need help but wont get it because they are either too proud, or too scared to confront those days/fears again.

So, again...if you really want to help him, just be there for him. Dont ask any questions, dont offer him your thoughts on what you "think" is the problem. Just be there, on his terms, his conversation topics, his time. If your relationship with him was good before he went, it WILL return. You just have to give him time.

That being said, if there is any aggressive behavior, fighting (physical) then your going to have to call the VA and get him some help. Do NOT, even for a second, allow him to be physical with anyone. The longer you allow it, the harder it is to reverse it. At that point - he needs professional help and will most likely welcome it.

I wish you luck, PM me if I can help further. Ive said about all I can here, in the open.

 

[sparkles2307]

That is what I dont understand, we arent asking him about his time over there, we dont even mention anything remotely close to it, all we talk about is school, the kids, summer plans, etc. THAT is why I dont understand his behavior, because we are already doing all those things!

 

[lorieMN]

Quote:
maybe its time to ask about is time served..maybe he really would like to talk about it but sense nobody brings it up he figures you dont want to hear about it..I had a good friend that was a marine in Desert Storm..(had because we have both gone different ways in life,there was no falling out,just a sad goodbye)..anyway,I know things about him even his wife doesnt know,,he told me of the awful things he had to do over there,he was basically on cleanup crew after the battles,and he told me once that it was so good to finally talk to someone about that,as none of his family or other friends wanted to hear about it.As far as I know he didnt have any problems or anything,but I could see it was a great relief to him that he was just able to tell someone that would listen,and really once you get him talking try to do more listening then talking..

 

[ChickensRCool]

A.T. Hagan :

Three tours in combat zones at a young age. It may not be PTSD but it sounds like he could use some support from the sort of organizations that deal with it.

My BIL did two tours. He's an old guy, very strong mentally (nothing bothered him) and he had a fairly easy/safe job (at one point was flying the VP around) and he came back with PTSD. They told him you can't have done that many tours without getting PTSD to some degree.
I suggest that you do some research, talk to people who deal with this, and ask "If he has this and as a sister how can I help him?"
Good Luck​

 

[SarahFair]

I have a friend that just deployed again. While he was here we became really close. His mother lives far away and he never visited her or hardly would talk to her. When I asked him why he would just say 'Its not the same really' 'Its kind of sad to talk to her' ,etc. Friends really always seemed to come frist with him. He loved his mother though very very much though. Friend was also into a lot of drinking and prescription pills. How I wish he wasnt! He said it was to help him sleep at night and forget the awful things that happend over there.
He had a friend that followed him home. I became friends with him as well, great guy. He was a little more open to an extent about what happend over there and when he drank sometimes he got "loose lips" and start telling stories about what would happen over there. My friend would usually get upset and tell him to be quiet then get weird for a long time after and seperate himself from everyone. Usually Id go talk to him and bring him out of it but it was hard.

The military just does things to people. I dont like it and I wish it never was needed

 

[Swampwood]

Sounds exactly like me when I was younger, got out. I was desensitized, only wanted to be around disposable people, family made me nervous and I didn't want to be around them.

 

[sparkles2307]

Well he makes it really hard to talk because if you ask him, even when alone, he always says everything is fine, its no big deal....

I will use the tips you all have given me tho! Thank you!

 

[ole188]

He will come around. Just give him time, and don't nag him or try and rope him into stuff that he really doesnt want to do.