A long, bad rant - need to talk to someone.

[runsw/scissors]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this! Big hugs to you...

You really need to check out this site: http://74.50.2.42/dc/dcboard.php It's the Mother-In-Law message board. Wonderful, wonderful people going through similar problems. Please do check out that site!

Please know that you are in my thoughts. ((((Sumi))))



edited because I misunderstood what I was reading. Also because I cannot spell.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

sumi go see a lawyer. If she used the property for business purposes your hubby has a financial interest in the business whether it's part of the profit being his or her paying him rent to use the property for her business and there may be business laws that could force her to buy him out.

 

[sumi]

I really wish we could do that. We sort of have an arrangement in place. Our property is divided in two by a road. She lives on the top 1/3 where the main house and our old house is. We live on the bottom. The property slopes and she's a few metres higher than us, so we refer to the two parts as the top and the bottom. We've had the property subdivided and she's trying very hard to sell our piece first, so she can hang on to her guesthouse. We have about 1.9ha under lucerne (alfalfa) that we get cut, baled and bought by another farmer. We don't get a lot of money from it, but I'm not complaining. The deal is whatever happens on our part is ours and her part is hers. We got the short straw, but what do you do? We've just had a bit replanted and we're thinking of fixing up the workers cottage that is also down here, but sitting empty. But the money...
Some time ago she said we have to sell our bit first so she can keep the guesthouse. I asked her what are we suppose to live of then? So she pulled a face and said we can live of the money we make of the chickens. (Up there by our old house we have space for max 100 hens.) That was the closest I've ever got to hitting her. Lucky for her we were in a very public place at the time.
Our plan was to see which piece sells first and get her a house somewhere and then we carry on a bit until the other piece sells. Always putting her first. But neither is selling. DH went and spoke to her, suggesting we drop the price of the top by R200 000. More realistic price! She agreed and I've posted an ad. Last week I went up to her and told her the details of the ad, so if anyone phones her she knows whats going on. I mentioned the price I put on it and she nearly had a stroke. She has no recollection whatsoever of the discussion DH had with her about the price drop.
At the moment I'm tempted to suggest we drop the price of the entire property, take way less than our share, just to try and sell it quick, so we can go. Problem is she's so money mad she won't agree to anything unless she can leave here with a small fortune. Someone should tell her she can't take it with when she dies. And while she's waiting for someone stupid enough to pay way more than this place is worth we're stuck here.
I'm worried that when push comes to shove DH wouldn't want to leave her here by herself. She's very good at pushing his buttons and making him feel sorry for her.
I'm sick to death of putting her first. Getting DH out of the habit is hard. But I'm working on it.
I really shouldn't even think this, but she's on so many pills and whiskey and she has an ulcer... maybe she'll be nice to us.

 

[drdoolittle]

I'm sorry you have such a horrible MIL! Mine would NEVER allow any of her grandchildren to live in that situation-----let alone her son/daughters and their spouses. It's too bad you got yourself so involved with a man who was never able to cut the umbilical cord. If I was in your situation, I would have left when the issue of a DNA test came up---especially when your DH didn't tell you NOT to get one. I'm seriously doubtful that your DH will ever have the strength to stand up to his mother-----or even to move away from her. I think you need to do what is best for your child------and I don't believe that includes living with no running water. Most states have programs to help women in these situations.

 

[orientphoenix]

that is so wrong of her to mock ur gandmothers death in front of u, in the heat of the moment if u slapped her i would have counted that as appropriate.

 

[SarahBeth9394]

sumi if I were you I would still go consult with a business lawyer as well as a real estate lawyer. They know the law better than you do. If two people can get divorced and the property get divided then so can two relatives who have used the land for business purposes. You need to at least try consultations first. It doesn't matter if she's money mad or not. There may be a loophole to get you out of there without loosing your shirt and without her controlling every decision. Any partnership can be legally dissolved one way or another whether the initial agreement in verbal, on paper, or both. And a sort of arrangement can be challenged depending on how much each party invested and if one took advantage of the other.

 

[zippitydooda]

Wow. I have so many different thoughts about what you are going through. First of all, I want to say that I'm impressed you haven't had a meltdown and punched her in the face. It would be SO hard not to.

Secondly, you are quite the good wife standing by your man. I'm glad he gives you support behind mommy's back, but he needs to make it clear to her in no uncertain terms that she will no longer say ANYTHING negative, do ANYTHING negative or mean, nasty, degrading, belittling or generally disrespectful EVER AGAIN. He needs to tell her this while you are standing there.

He needs to tell her that even though he loves her, he ALSO loves you, and she is not to disrespect you or his family. The consequence for doing so must be harsh. She loves money, so hit her where it hurts the most. Have him tell her that he spoke to a lawyer and that he will be getting his fair share of the proceeds from the property including all profits EVER MADE. Then she will have to pay your family. And, if she continues her awful behaviour, he will make sure she gets put into a care facility for people who are not of sound mind (alzheimer's or dementia, or perhaps alcoholism/pills rehab center).

Wonder what she would do if faced with that?

My bet is you will never ever get the respect you deserve from this woman. She will continue treating you the way you have allowed her to treat you for the past 4 years. I know you did it out of respect and love for your husband, but she will actually respect you more if YOU stand up to her.

Third, I'm very sorry for the loss of you hen Joy. I haven't experienced that yet.

Fourth, your son is old enough to understand what is going on. Sit him down and tell him you love grandmother and that she is mentally ill. That might help him process why mommy puts up with foul treatment.

Fifth, GET A JOB off of the property. Earn some money for yourself. At the very least, you will have money for a holiday, and perhaps a way to buy more chicken feed or other things needed for the farm. You may find that being around other people will help you feel more normal.

Hang in there and know that we are all pulling for you, keeping you & your son in our prayers.

 

[cassie]

What happens to her share of the property if she dies? If she is gobbling pills and whiskey she might very well OD. For your own survival, see if you can get copies of the books Toxic Parents and Emotional Blackmail. Get any literature form Al Anon. This last will help you deal with an addictive personality. Maybe you can get DH to read these so he understands what he is dealing with. As it is now, he doesn't and as a result she holds all the cards.

 

[MandyH]

I think this whole situation is asinine and somebody needs to get a backbone for that childs sake.

 

[drdoolittle]

I just read back through this post and saw where you said you are from South Africa and lots of people there live in the same conditions as you and your husband and son. Then quit being a martyr(sp?). Your MIL is a selfish, horrible woman who cannot accept the fact that her son found another woman who makes him happy-------unfortunately lots of DIL's are in your boat. That's a row you chose to hoe when you decided to marry the guy-----you stated that she didn't like you from day one. Believe me, she wouldn't have liked anyone-----even Kate (the seemingly perfect wife of Prince Wiliam).

I understand the situation a little better now-----you basically wanted to get your anger off your chest w/o confronting your MIL or DH (not sure you were really looking for any specific advice. I do feel for you to a certain point-----but I feel more for your poor little boy. Even if you try to keep things decent between Grandma and yourself in front of him, I'm sure he can sense the tension. The only advice I have is to have as little contact with MIL as possible and some would say to be sickeningly sweet to her at all times. As for me, I would get myself and my child out of that situation-------even if it meant leaving DH (he seems like a milquetoast anyway). But, if you're happy most of the time, hold out----she's gotta' die sooner or later.