Adopted son dilemma: Moving in

[shelleyd2008]

mom'sfolly :

This will sound harsh, but you no longer have any parental rights; his parents are the people he lives with. He is sixteen, and a minor; if you allow him to come live with you, you could be setting yourself up for a very bad situation. I think a frank conversation with the adoptive parents is in order. He is trying to work you, and play to those instincts you have. He may not like you if you go to his parents, but often sixteen-year-olds don't like their folks. By going to his parents you are acting like a parent, not his best friend. In the long run, this will benefit you.

I think your gut is telling you that this is not the right time or reason for him to want to live with you; but there is so much emotion involved it is hard to follow your head. Don't let him use emotional manipulation to get you to do what you know isn't right for now.

He plans on asking them, he just wants to know if he should bother asking or not. I don't know that they would let him. If they don't, then that settles it. I haven't responded to him yet, I want him to, just so I can be with him, but I'm sure I'd be setting myself up for a lot of trouble if I do.​

 

[bburn]

Shelly.....start at the beginning with your post and reread everything everyone wrote. You asked. All the answers are basically the same. Love him enough to do the right thing.

 

[Ashmeade]

Quote:
He plans on asking them, he just wants to know if he should bother asking or not. I don't know that they would let him. If they don't, then that settles it. I haven't responded to him yet, I want him to, just so I can be with him, but I'm sure I'd be setting myself up for a lot of trouble if I do.

I would advise him that you love him and want what is best for him but you could never make any type of decision like that with him without consulting with his parents.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I don't have a good feeling about his intentions. I would be concerned for the younger one you still have at home. Jealousy can be very bad and rear it's ugly head in so many different ways. I would hate to think that he could harm your youngest, but I wouldn't let that fall too far from your mind. Children tend to hold alot of resentment for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't risk losing a child to gain a child. I know that doesn't sound sincere, but I am saying that from my heart. You really do not know your oldest son, he may have some serious problems that you are unaware of. I would say no. The adoptive parents may have a lot of information that could help you out. I would speak to them and let them know that you have been talking to him and what he is wanting to do.

Hope it all works out for you.

 

[hunterjumper999]

I think you are letting the fact that you 'lost' this child however long ago cloud your judgement of what is right and wrong.

he has parents. Unless this is an open adoption situation you really have no grounds for even humoring him in this discussion.


I know that seems harsh, but I tried to sugar coat it and it came out all confusing .. so sorry for that.


I think he belongs at home with the folks that raised him. . . EVERYONE hates their parents at 16. or at least has momentary dreams of being elsewhere- you being a part of his life allows him to REALLY dream about leaving his current situation and you as an adult need to set boundaries and put your foot down reguardless of what your heart is screaming at you about this boy.

you have a young son who needs you and has NO other mother but you - dont let the could haves cloud that and cause him hurt.

just wondering because it is not clear have you communicated with the parents about your communication with him??

 

[Mom 2em All]

I don't have any advice for you at all, really- and I do not know your circumstances leading up to this..However,
as a mother to a mother, I just wanted to offer you

Tough situation, real hard on the emotions. I think the key is in your own words- typical sixteen year old behavior- not agreeing with what you say, thinks you are wrong, etc. Also typical kid, trying to be manipulative- on your emotions.

My relationship with my seventeen year old is awful- he is disrespectful, and hates his little sister. I worry about verbal abuse from him toward her when i am not home. The sixteen year old may end up with a bad attitude toward your youngest child and make it very hard on him.
When i was sixteen, I moved away from my mom in Michigan to my dads' in Tennessee. I broke my moms heart, and I regret doing that to her now. I went where there were less restrictions, less structure, less rules. As a teen, I had a great time with parties, no curfew, no supervision. I went from " Dad doesn't care!!!

" to "Dad doesn't care!

" . I remember thinking, "wow, he really doesnt care what I do. I miss my mom." I am now a mom to teens, and I can only imagine what I did to my mother. I wonder if the sixteen year old thinks that if he moved in with you, he could do whatever he wanted and play on your emotions to get away with it, or if in his mind, he is thinking he wouldn't have to follow any rules.

I wish you luck. With everything. Your relationship with the sixteen year old, the adoptive parents, your feelings, everything. Very tough emotional situation you are in.