here is something i came across a while back.
What you should/shouldn't say to someone struggling with infertility
Infertility (noun): 1) Absent or diminished fertility. 2) The persistent inability to conceive a child and produce offspring.
1 out of 10 people struggle with infertility and 2/3 of couples who seek medical treatments are able to get pregnant and give birth to a baby.
Since so many people struggle with infertility, chances are, I am NOT the only person that you know that is fighting this battle. 9/10 of people are able to get pregnant and give birth without medical intervention or without the hurt of infertility. If you one of those people, please read the following suggestions about infertility conversations you should and shouldn't have with someone that can't have a child. (I got some of the ideas for the things you shouldn't do from Resolve.org, but I have written my own feelings on the issues). My family has been AMAZING through my infertility journey... the reason for this blog is so that maybe others can learn how to talk to people they know about infertility
Do not tell them they are young and have a lot of child bearing years left, so they shouldn't worry about it.
Although this may be true, it makes us feel like you think we don't feel as much pain because of our age. The pain is the same at the age of 22 as it is at the age of 40. Yes, we may be young but we have been trying a long time to achieve our dreams of becoming mothers.
At this point in our "journey" this doesn't really bother me anymore. I know I am young, and I know I have a lot of child-bearing years left. I am 22 and although I want to be a young mother, I know that God has a plan for my life, and maybe He doesn't want us to have a child this young.
Do not tell them that they should just wait and enjoy the childless time they have.
I REALLY love spending time with my husband and my husband enjoys spending time with me, but we are ready to start a family, in fact we have been ready to start a family for a long time now. We have been through the pains of infertility and this comment is especially painful because it feels like you are "minimizing the problem". There is a problem and we aren't ready to just GET OVER IT. We want a child and we won't give up until we have one.
Do not tell them to relax or to take a vacation and then it will happen.
Usually, the reason for our infertility is deeper than just a high stress level during the journey. Usually, the reason we aren't pregnant is because we have a medical issues that can't be cured by relaxation or a vacation. We wish that relaxing would get us pregnant, but we have usually already tried this, and it doesn't work, and the doctors tell us it won't happen that way! This also makes us feel like maybe you think we are doing something wrong or it is OUR fault that we are not pregnant.
Do not tell them that if it's mean to be, it will happen.
We know that God has a plan for our lives, but we don't need you to tell us this. Although you are really just trying to comfort us, this brings a lot of discomfort and pain.
Don't minimize the Problem.
Do not say things like "Just enjoy being able to sleep late or travel." These comments do not help, they actually hurt. Usually, during the time it takes for us (infertile people) to conceive a child, we have had friends & family have an entire family. For me, I have already had quite a few friends get pregnant, give birth and now their babies are around a year old. It is hard to watch this happen and then realize that we are still childless, while most of our friends are getting pregnant or have already had children.
Don't say "There are Worse Things That Could Happen or there are worse things you could be going through."
If someone has dreamed of being a mother her whole life, and she has always wanted to be able to love and care for a child, it may be the worst thing that could happen to her. I do want a baby more than anything else, but I do realize at the same time that there are worse things that could happen. A lot of people struggling with infertility, often can't think of anything besides what they are going through and how badly it hurts for them. It is definitely a struggle!
Don't Say that Maybe they aren't meant to be parents.
This is ONE OF the worst things that can be said to someone struggling with infertility. We have already thought of this on our own, and we don't need other people telling us that maybe we aren't meant to be parents or have children.
Don't offer Unsolicited Opinions about your feelings on IVF.
If you feel that IVF is religiously and ethically wrong, keep this opinion to yourself. Usually, couples going through infertility have already thought these things through and IVF was probably a hard choice to make due to the fact that it is not a guaranteed treatment, and of course the COST!
Don't complain about your pregnancy.
I don't want to say this in a way that will hurt anyones feelings, but usually being around pregnant friends is VERY hard. We are happy for you and your accomplishment of becoming pregnant to have a child, but at the same time, we are sad for ourselves and for our "loss." Please don't complain about your pregnancies to us, if you want to complain, please call one of your friends who is not struggling with infertility. We would love to have stretch marks, nausea, weight gain, growing pains, fatigue and other pregnancy symptoms. I would love to have all of those symptoms if it meant I could have a baby.
Don't treat them like they are ignorant.
For some reason people who have children, who didn't struggle with infertility think that maybe we didn't realize how much responsibility is involved with having a baby and parenting. I don't know the full scope of everything yet, but I do know that a lot of responsbility is involved. We usually have a long time to think about all of the responsibilities involved in parenting, before we actually experience any of them.
Don't Push Adoption.
Adoption is amazing, and I believe adoption is right for some people, but not everyone is ready for adoption right away. Usually, before a couple can have a child they need to morn the "loss" of their unborn child first. Sometimes people need to go through all of the infertility treatments before they are ready to move forward towards adoption. Please don't push adoption on us, until we have decided that it could be the right thing for us. You can say things like "You will be a mother at some point in time whether you give birth to the baby yourself or if you decide to adopt a child." You can say that, but then just let it go.
What should you say to your infertile friend?
-Let them know that you care by praying for them or just letting them talk to you about what they are feeling, and if necessary, let them cry on your shoulder.
-Remember them on Mothers Day. Sometimes people who can't become mothers are forgotten.
-Support them in whatever they do, whether it's infertility treatments, stopping infertility treatments or adoption.
