Anybody have any experience with adoption and/or children being a little behind? Share your stories

[sourland]

Em, I love Terry and you.

Tell him I said, HI!

I think that you know that my son and DIL adopted two little girls from China. The first had spent her entire life in a orphanage and was 10 months old when they got her. She initially showed absolutely no emotion, no evidence of pain if she fell, and was non verbal. I vividly remember the day we were visiting and she came over to the Princess, patted her leg and said, ":Happy!" She then looked at me, came over, hugged my leg and said, "Happy, Pa." That was when I knew she would be okay. The second girl had been in a foster home and knew what 'love' was. Her transition into our lives and development was more 'on schedule'. I understand fully when Terry says that love is not genetic. Jenny and Catherine were 'ours' from the moment we saw their pictures.

It's been a while since I have read anything that Terry has written. I almost forgot how beautifully he strings words together. He invests himself in his writings. Connor is going to be fine. He's beautiful too.

 

[EmtheFishLady]

Em, I love Terry and you.

Tell him I said, HI!

I think that you know that my son and DIL adopted two little girls from China. The first had spent her entire life in a orphanage and was 10 months old when they got her. She initially showed absolutely no emotion, no evidence of pain if she fell, and was non verbal. I vividly remember the day we were visiting and she came over to the Princess, patted her leg and said, ":Happy!" She then looked at me, came over, hugged my leg and said, "Happy, Pa." That was when I knew she would be okay. The second girl had been in a foster home and knew what 'love' was. Her transition into our lives and development was more 'on schedule'. I understand fully when Terry says that love is not genetic. Jenny and Catherine were 'ours' from the moment we saw their pictures.

It's been a while since I have read anything that Terry has written. I almost forgot how beautifully he strings words together. He invests himself in his writings. Connor is going to be fine. He's beautiful too.

He has come a long, long way. I know exactly what you mean by the no emotion thing. The only emotion Connor initially showed was anger. I'm guessing because it's all he ever knew.

To be perfectly honest, from the moment I saw Connor, when he was 2 months old, and heard her say the things she did? I thought about him all the time. I worried, I fretted, I prayed. I was in total and complete shock when he was dropped into our lives, but I am pretty sure he was always meant to be ours. I always say "God saw a baby who needed a Mommy, and a Mommy who needed a baby." We have been so blessed.



Terry is incredibly talented. He just tries to hide it.

 

[sourland]

Terry is incredibly talented. He just tries to hide it.

He fails on the 'hide' every time his big old fingers hit the keyboard.

 

[mississippifarmboy]

Hi George

Actually MFB is a poor dirt farmer, not a writer, but thanks for the compliment

Connor is a good boy. He's smart, he's handsome and he's happy. To be honest, I never even think of how he came into our lives. He's just my son.

 

[Miss Biddy]

What an amazing story, thank you for sharing! Obviously the girl never wanted children, or the father of the baby is someone she must despise.
At least she had the common sense? a small sense of responsibility? to drop him off with the right people.

He's not a throw away, he's a happy surprise.

Sounds like you're doing everything right. And your husband looks like a kind hearted man too.

 

[Coopmom56]

I am very touched by your story and so glad that God sent Connor to you. Do you know if Connor was a full-term baby? I ask because my two oldest grandchildren (twins) were born at 34 weeks and it takes preemies a little longer to hit those developmental goals. If this is true of Connor, take heart! Mine are about to have their eighth birthdays and a more normal couple of kids you will never find. (Well, except for the fact that they are exceptionally intelligent, athletic, musically gifted etc. etc. etc. I am their Mimi and their biggest fan, after all!)

 

[EmtheFishLady]

Terry is the best husband ever. What man would just roll with it when you call to say you're bringing home a 7 month old baby? Not many.

The mother doesn't shock me as much as the father and BOTH sets of grandparents not wanting him. This was a child who'd been in their lives for 7 months. A baby. And none of them even bothered to contact me at all. Their grandchild was left with a total stranger, and they didn't even care enough to check on him. I'm actually forever grateful to his birth mother. She gave me an incredible gift. My first son. I wanted another baby from the time my daughter was 6 months old. It just wasn't happening. I truly believe God brought us together.

 

[EmtheFishLady]

I am very touched by your story and so glad that God sent Connor to you. Do you know if Connor was a full-term baby? I ask because my two oldest grandchildren (twins) were born at 34 weeks and it takes preemies a little longer to hit those developmental goals. If this is true of Connor, take heart! Mine are about to have their eighth birthdays and a more normal couple of kids you will never find. (Well, except for the fact that they are exceptionally intelligent, athletic, musically gifted etc. etc. etc. I am their Mimi and their biggest fan, after all!)

I have his hospital records. He was full term. He's actually incredibly healthy now, but when I got him a 7 months he was underweight with an asthma issue. After a few months with us those issues disappeared. He's healthy now. A little small, but healthy. I am hoping he will just catch up, but I think his delay is more from neglect than anything.

 

[wallaroo]

I wanna jump in here because I am an adult adoptee, and have contact with hundreds, if not thousands of other adoptees (mostly from Korea and Asia, as our experiences are connected).
It's okay for him to be "a little behind". Maybe it's because of early life issues, maybe it's just because every body and mind are different. The methods that schools use to measure things are really flawed and completely biased. There are so many ways of having and expressing intelligence.
That said, there will be issues. It's a really hard journey. I was a child who hid my pain and internalized all of the difference I felt. Certainly all of this was magnified by being a transracial adoptee. But from outward appearances I was a happy kid. I was also an anorexic teenager, suicidal through middle and high school, spent 7 years in an abusive relationship because I thought I was unlovable. I know others with experiences that range - but there is universally a struggle to know and love ourselves. It's a pain that haunts you - I don't know if I can even pinpoint what it is exactly. Some call it the "primal wound". There is also a lot to attachment theory that applies - when you don't get the love, or the love is mixed with pain or fear, or there is no stability, etc. But in this case, I think language and theory all fail. It's just traumatic. Abandonment is haunting. And no matter how young you are when it happens (I was an infant)...it can be a life-long issue.
I guess my point is...tread carefully. Don't force him to fit some ideal of "normal". "Normal" no longer applies. While working on his speech, encourage other forms of expression. Nurture his whole self, his whole spirit. Don't ever let him feel like he is failing your or letting you down or like you wish he would be like other kids. Don't let him feel like he's different because his mother abandoned him, but also acknowledge that he IS different because his mom abandoned him (does that make sense?). Let him have whatever feelings he has. Know that there is a lot he will hold back. Give him safe ways to express and explore those feelings. Connect him with other adoptees - particularly adult adoptees, not just things run by adoptive parents. Often, adoptees, we feel like we have to be perfect, like we have to over perform, over achieve, show no flaws - because we are afraid of being abandoned again. But at the same time, everyone tells us that we are no different. So all of those unpleasant, hard feelings we are having feel like personal flaws. I grew up with a lot of "well my mom tells me that i'm no different but i feel this way so it must be something wrong with me". Meeting other adoptees and having those feelings validated was life changing, if not life saving.
Anyway, I hope this isn't uncalled for. I just wanted to jump in and share from my (very different but also connected) experience.

 

[Miss Biddy]

Terry is the best husband ever. What man would just roll with it when you call to say you're bringing home a 7 month old baby? Not many.

The mother doesn't shock me as much as the father and BOTH sets of grandparents not wanting him. This was a child who'd been in their lives for 7 months. A baby. And none of them even bothered to contact me at all. Their grandchild was left with a total stranger, and they didn't even care enough to check on him. I'm actually forever grateful to his birth mother. She gave me an incredible gift. My first son. I wanted another baby from the time my daughter was 6 months old. It just wasn't happening. I truly believe God brought us together.

I don't know too many people who would do that. What good people you are.

And yes, I didn't even think about the rest of the family! No way would MY family let a member be given away.
How creepy. BUT has a nice family now. Love makes a family, not blood ties.

I've never really been a kid person, (never married, no kids) but your story made my day.
And I'm glad Social Services used common sense, and didn't shove him in a foster home.
I think in NYS, they would have.