Personally I have waged my own battles with my spirituality for more years than I care to think about. I was raised in a Catholic family, went to Catholic school til 5th grade when we moved to the suburbs, and then I still attended church every Sunday with my grandmother. My mother obviously was also raised Catholic and got a lot of flack for having me out of wedlock (my own great-grandmother spent many afternoons telling me I was worthless and, well, go look up the word in the dictionary that means child born out of wedlock. Begins with a B. She called me that quite often), but she isn't devout, and never really agreed with Catholic doctrine, though she never tried to force me to believe what she believed. So religiously, I was influenced more by my grandmother than my mother. But as I approached my teens, I began to form my own opinions on many things, religion being one of them. When I was 21 I finally went through with my confirmation, mostly to please my grandmother and my aunt, but it wasn't really in my heart. Shortly after I did, I had an experience that, well, it's hard to describe how it affected me. My neighbor and good family friend was pregnant with twins, her 4th and 5th babies, and she was excited because she was having twin girls. Well, she lost one about 4 months in, and then in her 6th month she went into labor and delivered the other little girl prematurely. The baby lived about 3 days before she died. When my neighbor approached the head priest at our church to ask him if he would perform the funeral, he actually turned and asked her if the baby had been baptized at the church. When she said no, that the baby had only been alive a few days and had never left the hospital, he refused to do it! Said unless she was baptized AT THE CHURCH, where of course the church could make their money, he wouldn't do it! To say I was disgusted with that particular priest, and also with that church is an understatement. I walked away from the church for awhile, but found myself returning when I had my own babies and I felt the need for spiritual guidance and guidance for my children, but even though I attended that church for 22 years, I never felt like a real member. I didn't know most of the congregation, I didn't know who was sitting next to me at church most of the time, and I didn't attend any church functions because I was never notified before hand that there would be any. And so I felt alienated the whole time. Plus, the more time that passed, the more I realized that my beliefs were not the same as the church's. And that bothered me. And so I went on yet another spirtitual quest. I went on one in my mid teens and attended a baptist church and an evangelical church, but wasn't getting the answers I wanted. In 2008 we moved out to the country, and one of the first things I did was pick up a phonebook and look up churches. I debated briefly whether or not I wanted to try the Catholic church, but I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be happy there, so I passed it over. There is a single church in my little bitty town, a nice little Christian church, and so I thought I would give it a try, if only to be closer to God. I've been attending the church for almost 2 years now, but I can't say that I am finding the spiritual answers, or the peace that I have been seeking for so long. I sometimes feel that my personal beliefs are so different from other peoples' that I will be shunned, or have people pick horrible religious debated with me in vain attempts to prove that my beliefs are wrong. See, I believe strongly in God. I believe he sent his son Jesus as as a teacher and prophet to try to get us to turn ourselves around and do good by one another, and do good by God, and that he died for our sins. But after that, my views tend to differ from that of most Christians. My mother believes that the Bible was written by men, and that it was written primarily to influence others to believe what they believed at that time, not to actually spread the word of God. As time has passed I tend to agree with my mother. Especially as I read the Bible and study it more. And I no longer look favorably on the Catholic religion. I believe that they are more concerned with power and money than they are with spreading the word of God. I believe that God can be worshipped anywhere, at anytime, not just under the roof of a building called a church. I believe we ARE the church, each and every one of us. I'm limited pro-choice, I'm not married yet I have two kids, and I don't believe Satan is a big scary half man/half monster with horns and hoofed feet that will come at the end of time to swallow up the sinners. I tend to think that if God had these beautiful angels, and Lucifer was the most beautiful of them all, then why would he suddenly become ugly just because he ticked his father off? I just don't think he would. I find flaw with the Bible, and with the doctrine of any religion that claims to want peace, yet does nothing but start wars. However, I do not degrade anyone else's beliefs. I am capable of having religious discussions without becoming angry or trying to shove my own beliefs down other people's throats. I hate when people do that to me, so why would I do it to others? Oh, and the part that I find the most confusing, and that I am never able to talk about with other "Christians" is that since I was a little girl, I have experienced many psychic phenomena that would basically classify me as psychically gifted. However, that is not something Christians seem to believe in (yet I believe that most of the old world prophets and healers were just that, psychics, Jesus included). I have friends that I absolutely cannot talk religion with, no matter what, and others that I can speak freely with, but mostly because they either aren't spiritual at all, or consider themselves to be of what is referred to as "Pagan" religions. I considered the Pagan religions too, like Wiccan, but truth be told, my heart tells me God is real, and Jesus is real, and I can't deny them. And so I feel lost, like the one piece of the puzzle that just doesn't fit right. I pray, I ask God for guidance, but at the same time I can predict things, I can see things, and I disagree with most church doctrines, so where does that leave me? Basically without a real religion, but spiritual nonetheless. Just wanted to share my views. Even though this isn't even half of them, lol! Just sort of like the basics. I haven't really met anyone else with my beliefs. Would be nice if I did, I'd like to know another kindred spirit out there.
