Arranged marriage, I might get one!!!!!!! NOOOO!

[ole-crone]

A couple of comments...

A good friend had an arranged marriage. She says that she didn't love him when she married him. All she knew was that they both had the same beliefs and that he was a good man. Years and many kids later she also says that she loves him to death.

Marrying the ugly duckling. My Dh was not the best looking guy when we married. He wasn't ugly but he wasn't drop dead gorgeous either. He was a nice guy and he's treated me well. Fast forward 35 years and when we go to reunions the drop dead gorgeous guys aren't and mine is the best looking one there. As one of the "in crowd" said at the last reunion "How come the geeks I didn't look twice at in high school always turn out looking great?"

 

[V Chic Chick]

If it's a forced marriage, then I would guess it's illegal where you live - I'm pretty sure it's illegal here, but I have no idea where you live or what the laws are where you live. Even if it isn't illegal, then I'm sure that there are charities out there who can help you run - just as there are hostels for victims of domestic violence.

Either way, if you think that it will shut your parents up then go and meet him (and make sure they realise this doesn't mean you'll marry him) and then make it clear that he is not a suitable match.

Hope it all goes well for you

 

[Scrambled Egg]

Are you an American citizen???!!! Is this post for real???!!!

 

[MissPrissy]

Being American has nothing to do with it. Arranged marriages are not illegal. As far as a 'forced' marriage - have you never heard of a shot gun wedding? Those still happen, too.

There are worse things in this world than an arranged marriage.

 

[jjthink]

Most 18 year olds are still evolving and will change dramatically by the time they are 28 or 30 (this is a good thing!). Arranged or not - in most cases marrying that young is marrying way way too soon and odds are most (there are always a few exceptions) will have regrets later because the 2 people will evolve in very different directions (it's nobody's fault, it's just natural). The real losers are any kids that are born of these too-young marriages that fail.

Take your time. Go to college. Find out who you want to be in this world. If you develop a passion for righting wrongs, writing your congressman and speaking up on issues of the day and it turns out a husband you married so young can't get the least bit motivated about such things, you might be really frustrated with him. Or vice versa - he with you. Likewise, if you have a passion for animals you may ultimately want a guy who feels the same way. If you develop a passion for plants or baking or hiking or art or WHATEVER you may want a guy who shares some of these passions. You may even decide that you'd rather fly solo. There isn't always a rational reason for being part of a couple. Be strong and whole and independent on your own first and then you will know what is right for you.

It takes time to evolve - it's supposed to! Enjoy it. You are so lucky to be so young and to have a world of choices before you.
JJ

p.s. The fact that you only mention looks speaks volumes (and is understandable/normal for your age). In several years time you will hopefully evaluate by much more relevant criteria.

 

[BirdBrain]

I once knew an old couple who had been married FOREVER and they were a very interesting couple. He looked like Ichabod Crain--was the homeliest man I can think of(very tall, thin as a rail and his ears stuck straight out)and she was a short, sweet old lady that was obviously a beauty in her time. But he LOVED her!! And she obviously loved him. They never had children. Before I met and married my husband, I always thought I would like to marry someone as kind and loving as he and always said, "I would rather marry someone who looked like hamburger and treated me like gold, than someone who looked like gold and treated me like hamburger." My DH is not the hansomest man on the block, but he sure is kind an loving to me. Marry for love, not looks.

 

[texaschickmama]

At 18 you can't see past the ugly face. I couldn't. Yes, that is soooo shallow, but true. I didn't consider dating someone "ugly" until I didn't notice that he was ugly at all. BUT, lucky for me my husband is HOT.

 

[lacyloo]

i say move, i dont really think they could force you if, you live in the us but since ur hindu you might live in india but idk i say move out.

 

[peepkeeper]

Americans tend to have a knee jerk reaction to arranged marriage when in fact they turn out just as well statistically as love marriages. It's not necessarily a terrible thing. Adults tend to be more rational and far sighted than teenagers. Don't automatically assume the worst. Ask why do your parents want you to marry this man? Then voice your concerns and ask to take your time and get to know him first. You can probably come to a compromise and if you meet him and try to get to know him and then don't like him, your parents will be more willing to listen to you since you gave it a chance before saying No.

 

[Rosalind]

Go to college. There are plenty of South Asian women who, after they go to college, never get married at all (yeah, really). Their parents find that their married children are too busy with kids and work to take care of them in their old age, while the unmarried child really cares for them. This is true in the West also. You will be better able to take care of them if you've gone to college and can get a good job.

Go to the best college you can get into with your grades. I know this is a different prospect in India than in the US--so you will be limited by how much your parents will support you. (Translation for American readers: how much your parents are willing/able to bribe the Indian Institute of Technology admissions staff.) But there are still lots of decent universities that are not as competitive to get into.

I get the impression, because you said the guy has been in jail (so maybe he's not such a great guy after all), that your parents are trying to "get rid of you," another thing that is pretty common in many Indian communities. Honestly, for what they would otherwise pay in the cost of a wedding and all that goes into it, they could send you overseas to one of the smaller British or American universities. Whenever I see an Indian wedding, or when one of my Indian friends is getting married, I just cannot believe how much money goes into it, including the money the bride's family pays the groom. The bride could buy a house and go to college on that money, and be more of an asset to her family and support herself.

Given your background, I would stick with one of the British or continental European universities if you decide to go overseas: When I taught undergrad students from the ex-colonies who had grown up with a British educational system, they had a really hard time adapting to the American system. Lots of kids failed because they couldn't get used to the idea of exams every three or four weeks. But, it depends on your study habits too. If you study every day after school anyway, you might adapt perfectly fine. You will find at nearly every university on the face of the earth, there are lots of South Asian people who have social clubs and get together regularly as friends.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is your decision. Don't make any decision out of fear--make decisions because they are truly the best for you.