Arranged marriage, I might get one!!!!!!! NOOOO!

[AussieSharon]

I hope you can work something out with your parents. 18 is young, there is a lot to see and do before getting married and having kids. I have a friend in Australia who's current boyfriend was in an arranged marriage at 18. He was from Turkey and the girl he married was born in Australia to Turkish parents. They had never met until he arrived in Australia. Long and sad of it is after 6 months she was gone and he was left in a foreign country, spoke little English and was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell his family back in Turkey.

 

[silkiechicken]

Quote:
According to the OP, SHE is the SISTER to the BOY that owns this account. The BROTHER is going to be so confused when he comes back to this!

 

[RepoBob]

Pat: Please don't take me wrong. You are welcome at my house as anyone. I burp and fart a lot though. If I come to your I guess I can do the same so that I feel welcome right? I am also not trying to come across like The United States is always right or always the best. Hell, I spent two years in the jungles of VietNam finding out how wrong The United States can be. We are not the best in everything maybe not in anything thats not at all my point, but we have made a society that people from other places in this world chose to come to. That is a Fact. And I am proud of our ancestors (Who came from all around the world and all have made an equal contribution) for building a society that allows them to come. Most societies in this world do not even allow others to come in and become part of their society. Two that come to mind are India and Mexico. In our society that has evolved over the past only 200 years into one that at present does not do arranged marriages (Your home has evolved in one that does not approve of farting or burping). Thats really all I am trying to say. To put it in a few words. Why do I have to respect your culture when you don't respect mine.
I take great offense at your use of the term "funny talking immigrant devils" My grandmother talked funny and was an imigrant. If you are refering to that saint of a women as a devel. I'm on my way to Canada. Those are fightin words.

Yes, shotgun, arranged, cataloge, whatever marriages once were the way it was in Americia. The poor 49er had a sack a gold and no women to give it to, he had to do something.

. We have evolved into an arrangements that suits our society better. We use to condone slavery, but thank god we realized the horrer of that custom.

We agree on something: The important part, of course, is that you wind up married to someone who likes or at least tolerates chickens, and is willing to go fix the auto waterer system at 10 p.m. on a Monday night Or, she learn to fix it herself and dosn't have to depend on anyone.

I also agree with your final statement, but I think you ment that the way I am. I never once claimed to have the right to decide values, hell if I did we would be having drunkin orgies and not be worried about marriage. That would not produce a good society so I let the majority decide. And unless I'm mistaken they chose love marriages.

MissPrissey...Whatever you say is Gospel. I'm presently building an incubator and have used many ideas from yours. Thank You. I'm not gonna disagree with you about anything.. at least until the bator is done.

PurpleChicken: No, I'm not saying anything bad about this poor girl. She does sound sweet and is in a very hard place to be. My heart goes out for her. I guess I was just wanting to know if American culture (ways of doing things) ment anything or if we all just get to do what we want. If its anything goes Party at my house and your all invited.

Objectively I'm with Miss Prissy on arranged marriages. Every relationship is "arranged"
to some extent or another.
Couldn't agree more.

Kasi: Couldn't have said it better. She said I don't want to marry the ugly guy.

My coments were more toward her parents than her. I hope she has a happy life. And I hope she takes her parents advice into consideration, and makes the best decission for her. If she marries for love and her parents disown her. I guess at that point she has to decide weather she wants to be an American or a Hindu. Because, at that moment in that situation the two are incompatible. Her parents want to trumph her right to freedom with their culture.

Edited to add: On the other hand if her parents find her a hunk, who is willing to treat her right, and she's willing to treat him right and they love each other she hit the lotto. And that point both cultures are in line. Kinda why I believe in Karma, but that a whole nother discussion.

 

[MissPrissy]

Quote:
You just gave me the absolute best laugh of the day. Thanks!

 

[RepoBob]

oops It looked like this guy was bowing, but I guess he's falllin.

 

[dbjay417]

I feel for you. I'm 23 and even the idea of a steady girlfriend feels like a noose around my neck.

 

[mom'sfolly]

I have a very good friend who has an arranged marriage, and it is a good one. However, she had completed her masters when she was married, and picked her guy. His background, education and family were similar to her own, and there had been intermarriage between the families in the past. They have lived in the US for many years, and don't plan on arranged marriages for their children.

I have another friend whose marriage was forced. She became engaged to someone her family felt was inappropriate, and they sent her to her family's birth country. Her uncle took her passport and said you marry one of these three guys or you never go home. She married, lived with the guy for several years before her parents threw him out. She was unhappy the entire time, but tried to make the best of it.

I have many friends who picked there own mate and have had good or bad marriages.

The difference between these two was choice and expectation. The first had the choice of when and who, and the expectation of an arranged marriage. My second friend did not have the choice of when, who or the expectation of a forced marriage.

Don't let yourself be rushed, make sure your parents take your needs and wants into consideration, and get yourself educated. As my widowed mother-in-law said "all marriages end". You need to be able to make a living if something should happen to your husband. Being a widow dependent on your husband's family is no place for a hindi girl to be.

 

[Varisha]

A friend of mine, was origonaly from Inda (and was married while there). She had an arranged marriage. From my understanding her family 'interviewed' tons of perspective canadates. She was allowed to say what kind of guy she would like as well and they took that into account.

Her husband had said he was on the shy side and wanted a wife that was outgoing to help him. Well he got that and so much more. She has such a bubbly personality it's impossible not to be smiling while around her. They now have two teenaged kids, love eachother just as much as my parents do (a perfect match as well) .

Now while it worked for them it may or may not work for others, but that's like all marriages.

Cultures vary widly and no one culture is the absolute best or worst. There are reasons why certain traditions start. How good or bad the tradition is not ours to judge because we don't know the people involved. If the couples families know thier children very well and are honest with the other family then the match has a greater chance of being right on.

With the guy that was presented to you I'm glad your parents let you say no. Who wants to be with a guy that been in jail. That does not speak well of his character.


Now if someone was to play matchmaker with me the person would need to be horse crazy. Plus willing to do all the house work, while I did the outdoors work LOL. I would rather be cleaning stalls than cleaning house.

Not that I'm ready to settle down.. I'm only 30+ *grin*

 

[adoptedbyachicken]

I went to high school with an Italian girl. She left school as soon as was legal in Canada to get married. It was an arranged marriage, he was coming from Italy for her and they were to live in this town. I was horified at the time, but she told me she had been looking forward to it all her life, they had been selected for each other when they were just toddlers, by age him being a year older, and by family ties. It was not just the marriage that was arrange, but basically their life here, they had a place to fulfill in the family business and after a bit living with her parents a first home arranged. She was to finish her schooling at nightschool and he got some business training at the local collage part time till he had a degree. They went on to own the business and by then had 5 kids. When I ran into her 10 years after I graduated she was almost done with her kids being in high school and I was not even married yet! They were very sucessful, had started a second business and she now had a degree as well. She spoke with much respect and love of her husband and the life they had together, she seemed very happy.

So it really depends I guess, I have to say that if the family is supportive of the arranged marriage and building a life for people so young I guess it can be perfect. If they just cram 2 kids together and walk away it would be a disaster, and I guess in my nieve view at the time that's what I thought would happen. I obvioulsy was not raised in a family where this was even discussed so how would I have known.

 

[jjthink]

There have been over 40 posts since the original writer has last posted. Lots of people putting time and energy into this. I hope she returns to read everyone's thoughts and that it helps her.

I noticed most folks emphasize arranged vs. not and just one more time I will put a plug in for what I think is the most worrisome thing about all of this. She's so young and likely will change a lot in the next decade. I married at 24 and it turns out that was even way too young. We grew apart in the ensuing 10 years because in time we evolved to have very different goals and philosophies. Finally, we ended it so each of us could go in peace and be who we were called to be. We are now friends so that's good. I wish I had waited some additional years to find a true kindred spirit. Instead, most of my 20's and 30's were spent trying to make sense out of and salvage a relationship that wasn't healthy and didn't lead to us growing and prospering together. Sometimes it is better to face this rather than just living with it and making the best of it. We knew things weren't right so we didn't bring kids into the world to have to contend with it.

Time went on after it was over - so busy- a lot more time passed - life just got more and more complicated - and I never did focus again on finding someone. The best time to do that would have been if I had stayed single and focused in my late 20's and 30's, when I grew into who I was and what I wanted, but that's when I was married so of course I did not. Almost everyone will change a lot between 18 and 28 - and we should. Some folks married really young luck out and evolve on a similar path but it is rare, rare, rare. That's my 2 cents. Bye!

JJ