blended families and getting along with the EX Am I bitter?

Dar

Crowing
11 Years
Jul 31, 2008
5,929
33
251
I will try and make this as brief as I can but I have to get this off my chest.

My son is not a child of my DH. DH has been "dad" to my son for 16 years now.

DS just turned 18 (on friday) we had our celebration with my mom yesterday, she lives 2 hours away from where we live. the EX lives 10 minutes from my mom. So I decided to schedule things so that I could drop DS off at bio dads place on our way home from my moms so he can celebrate his birthday with her father.

Quick history:
Bio dad walked out of sons life when son was 6 months old, bio dad never paid one cent in child support because he hid from the courts until he was caught off guard in august 2009.

When I was on the phone with bio-dad i made sure he was aware because I was transporting son out there he is responsible for making sure son has transportation home (ie bus fare $13.45) He said he would get him on the train/bus home... I just got a call from son... bio dad dropped him off at the station and said.. "well you know I dont work ... and well i dont have your train fare home"
th.gif
. son just called me and i charged it to my visa so son is now on his way home.

when I dropped my son off bio dad was just walking up the front steps with a case of beer in his hand.

Ever since son had met bio dad he had stopped calling my DH dad and now calls him by his first name.. and calls my EX dad... after this I swear I will never facilitate a visit between my ds and his bio dad
 

Katy

Flock Mistress
12 Years
Jun 29, 2007
16,317
87
331
Kansas~50+ yrs of chickens
At some point in his life your son will realize again who his true father is and has been. It sounds like the newness of bio-dad hasn't worn off yet, but after today and being left high and dry at the bus station it may start to erode. A true father isn't who donated the sperm, but the man who was there for him.
 

Dar

Crowing
11 Years
Jul 31, 2008
5,929
33
251
I know my ds's actions have hurt my DH.. but he is to closed off to talk about it...
 

mamaKate

Songster
11 Years
Sep 9, 2008
1,113
6
161
SE MO
Give him time. Kids are very forgiving and he may always love his "bio-dad." You might want to talk to him privately about your husband's feelings. There is no reason not to call them both Dad.
 

jennh

Songster
12 Years
Jun 21, 2007
1,370
11
171
Lititz
As your son matures, he will realize the truth, and who was there for him when he needed it. I am divorced/remarried, and I have this piece of advice. Don't say anything negative about the bio father. He is still his father, and even though he was never there for him, he still loves him. I learned this lesson because my Mom left my Dad when I was 11. All she did was talk negative about him. I didn't like being put in the middle. I loved them BOTH!! I SWORE if anything ever happened between me and Jarod's father that I wouldn't do the same thing to him that my Mom did to me. And I haven't.
PS. I love my Mom, who is still alive, and she is my best friend. My Dad died in 1975. If my Mom ever starts to say anything about my Dad, I gently tell her that I don't want to hear it, that what happened was between those two, and that he was my Dad, and I loved him. End of conversation. BTW, my Mom is going on 83.

Jen
wise old 59
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Dar

Crowing
11 Years
Jul 31, 2008
5,929
33
251
Quote:
I have never spoke negatively about my EX. when my ds was little and asked why he was not around i simply answered "hopefully one day you can ask him that question" I have NEVER trash talked about him because i knew it would come back to bite my rear... and sure enough one of the first visits my ds had with bio dad all BD kept asking was what has she (meaning me) said about me.. and he thinks my ds is lying to him when he says i have never said anything bad
 

jennh

Songster
12 Years
Jun 21, 2007
1,370
11
171
Lititz
I have never spoke negatively about my EX. when my ds was little and asked why he was not around i simply answered "hopefully one day you can ask him that question" I have NEVER trash talked about him because i knew it would come back to bite my rear... and sure enough one of the first visits my ds had with bio dad all BD kept asking was what has she (meaning me) said about me.. and he thinks my ds is lying to him when he says i have never said anything bad

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sometimes i can come off a little strong...i tend to speak first then later put my foot in my mouth
I may appear "online" but I may not really be here I leave my computer and go do mommy stuff and then come back



Then you are doing everything right, and you WILL be rewarded, I can promise you that. Keep your head up, this won't last forever!!

Jen
 

jennh

Songster
12 Years
Jun 21, 2007
1,370
11
171
Lititz
Then you are doing everything right, and you WILL be rewarded, I can promise you that. Keep your head up, this won't last forever!!

Jen
 

redhen

Kiss My Grits...
Premium Feather Member
11 Years
May 19, 2008
35,106
190
458
Western MA
YOur son will soon realize whata creep his bio dad really is... he'll have to figure it out on his own though....
And i agree with you...do not initiate contact between the 2 again.... let your son do it..OR the bio dad....
Soon,, your son will see for himself... trust me...
Sometimes it takes a long time though... just be supportive..but dont initiate contact... let all that be between them....
I'd still want to call his creep of a bio dad and ream him a new one though.....BUT..its not worth it... be the bigger person.. he'll get whats coming to him in the end...
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